WW vs MLCer vs WAW

[BL42]

Jq25,

Would you expose an affair of your S?

So this is a controversial topic and you're likely to get varying answers both here and on other sites. Some argue you should take a hard line and first the issue with the affair early putting pressure on with the hopes it explodes and you can R; others say you should take a softer approach and keep those matters within the marriage. If there is a "right answer" I certainly don't know what it is, nor would I know enough about the dynamics of you, your W, her AP, and your family and friends. So I'm not going to give you a clear cut hard line "yes or no" advice. It's your life and ultimately it's your decision. I think if you do expose it it's not about going on social media and announcing it to the world, it's more like a directed message to your family, W's family, potentially OM's family and that's it. There are other sites with instruction guides on how to approach if if you take that path. There were some posters awhile back who took a hard line so you might want to read their threads unfortunately I forget the usernames offhand (PuppyDogsTails?) but think Ready2Change might know for some reason.

Did you or Didn’t u not when it happened?

I did not. I got close to pulling the trigger. My family encouraged me to. My IC suggested taking a harder approach. My L said "if you want to get D'd, go ahead". That held me back a bit. Part of me not doing it was out of fear of rocking the boat (as if with her affair it weren't taking on water already!). I don't know whether it was the "right" decision or not. I doubt if I had taken a different path it would've stopped the D and saved the marriage, but maybe I would've felt stronger and processed things and moved on quicker.

Would you explain to people/family the reason nonsense coming out of XS?

I personally think it's alright to tell your absolute closest family & friends as a means for support and understanding (parents, sibling, best friend), but I wouldn't broadcast it widely. If questions come up I'd be truthful but brief without getting into details. As SteveLW says it'll come out eventually. Your family will side with you, her family will side with her (even though she's in the wrong), and you'll soon see who your real friends are. Your kid being 12yo (unfortunately) almost certainly knows what's going on already so better for you not to be the one talking bad about mom.

Jq25 - Whether or not you decide to expose the affair, I would advise you to start acting stronger quicker. Standing up for yourself and acting out of strength will make you feel better about yourself and maybe have her respect you more. I DO wish during IHS and me putting the kids to bed while she was "working late and early" I had boxed up her stuff and put it on the porch for her to find coming home late at night with a note saying "I know. Maybe you should stay at your mother's house". I feel that would've been a move out of strength that would've gotten me in a better mindset sooner as opposed to the passive way I dealt with it which eventually led to OM2/separation/divorce anyway. Point is...start acting out of strength and no weakness, be proactive not passive. If you don't I bet you'd wish you had.