A wise man on these forums once said something along the lines of DBing can take years. Some people have to go through the D, feel the loss and spend several years apart before reconnecting.
It can happen. If its right you for, go for it. Take the time to understand the feelings, if its worth it, if its what you want, if its a fantasy. Not all Ds ended in a crash and burn and reconnection may be possible. Up to you both and your sitch. If nothing happens, based on the feelings you have now, it sounds like you've reached forgiveness, which must be a wonderful thing.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Thanks for the support. Ours really was an atypical divorce. No forgiveness needed, TBH. We were never angry with each other. We just didn’t see it working because we wanted different things back then and neither of us wanted to hold the other one back. I was also missing my family.
When I moved to his area, it was for a job and I had only planned to stay for a year max before returning home. I met him on my first day of work and immediately had a crush on him. We were in a small town and he was the town’s most eligible bachelor at the time. Tall, dark and handsome and a bit mysterious. He was 26 (I was 23) and we became friends. He had grown up there, gone to university and then returned after graduation (fine arts degree). His family was well known in town and he had lots of friends. Being the new girl in town, he kind of took me under his wing, so to speak, and introduced me to a lot of people. For the next six months, we would hang out a couple times a week but he was dating different people. At the time, I think he was suffering from “I was a nerd in high school (in his mind) and now I’m cool” syndrome and seemed to gravitate toward dating the shooter girls at the local bars. I was the opposite of that. Very girl next door and not his type at the time. However, despite this, he would usually come over to my place a couple times a week, make me dinner, chat for a bit and then run out the door at 9 pm saying he needed to go work out. He did this for about four months…lol. His friends kept telling me that he liked me, he just didn’t know it yet.
Long story short…I pretty much gave up on us being anything but friends and had been talking with my ex boyfriend. XH came over the night before I was going on a trip home to make me dinner and I mentioned that my ex boyfriend was going to be at home that weekend too. I remember that he seemed surprised by that and a bit perturbed. When it came time for him to rush out the door at 9:00, he got up and then stopped at the door. I thought it was a bit weird but then decided that maybe he wanted me to open the door for him so I got up off the couch and walked towards him. When I got to the door, he suddenly grabbed me, kissed me, told me to have a good weekend and then took off. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I had seriously given up on him and decided we would only ever be friends. Needless to say, my weekend did not go well (for me and my ex) and me and XH became a couple after I returned. We got married five years later and then separated four years after that.
He reached out to me after XH and I split. He was pretty mad about how I had been treated by and wanted to offer his support. After that, he would text me every so often to see how I was doing. A few times, he let me know that he and his best friend had been watching old videos of all of us. He seemed to think he had been a bit of a jerk to me back then and wanted to apologize for how “stupid” he was. He said the videos were hard to watch because he saw how awesome I was and he was really self-focused at the time and, in his estimation, didn’t treat me the way I deserved to be treated or at least didn’t appreciate me the way he should have. I appreciated hearing that but I think he is a lot harder on himself than he deserves. Anyway…not sure what to expect at Easter. This will be the most time we have spent together since our divorce. He’s a lot more open than he used to be so may want to talk about this in person. Or maybe not…lol. I’m just going to enjoy my time with his family and deal with whatever comes up in the moment.
Sounds like the plot to the new Hallmark movie 'A Second Chance at Love' starring Gloria Reuben (who I used to know back in the day) that recently wrapped filming in your neck of the woods.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
All this talk about old boyfriends and exes in dreams I think led to my weird dream last night (I hardly ever remember my dreams). In this one, some random guy who I supposedly knew in the past had always wanted to ask me out (note: he wasn't recognizable as anyone I ever knew in real life). I decided it was worth exploring even though I hadn't thought about him that way. We planned a date but I had a conflict with something I was supposed to do with the woman who used to be the singer in my band. I thought I could do both - do the thing with her first, then see him. But I was late to the thing with him and he thought I wasn't coming. His family ran a low-rent Carlsbad Caverns kind of attraction, and I was looking for him there, and hanging out with his sister.
That's it. My dreams are seldom that detailed or weird, but like I said, I almost never remember a dream (maybe a handful in a year). I'm a really sound sleeper.
The dream does remind me though of my 40th High School reunion, where a guy (happily married) told me he'd had a crush on me in high school. I'd never had a clue - he was one of the popular kids, a good looking football player, and I was a nerd who hung out with the drama and yearbook people. I honestly don't even remember having a conversation with him back then. I was flattered.
However, the guy in my dream most definitely was not him.
DV - it sounds like it might be worth exploring if your exH is actually interested. Sounds like you realized he wasn't really committed to the marriage in the same way you were - AND that he wasn't really ready to settle down. It also sounds like he has realized what he lost. The big question for you is, how much has he really changed? And is he good for a fling but not a good bet for a long term relationship? What is HIS relationship history like since you split?
KML… I think you pretty much nailed it in terms of what was happening back then. I really feel like we got married for different reasons. I wanted the house with the white picket fence and he wanted to be a rock star. TBH, I think he married me because he was afraid to be without me. Although he had many, many friends, I would say that only one or two of them REALLY knew him at a deeper level and no one at a level deeper than me. I really was his best friend… I just don’t think he was mine… if that makes any sense. I think you are right… I was committed and ready to settle down and when push came to shove, he was not. It was me who initiated the break up, however, because I know he would not have. Not unless he was desperate to leave the area and while part of him was, the other part was terrified of failure and not confident enough in his abilities to take the risk of leaving his comfort zone. I knew that if I hung onto him, he would ultimately resent me for holding him back. By leaving, I took away that excuse. Turns out his dreams were just that… he never got up enough courage to leave the Okanagan and chase his dreams. That makes me pretty sad because he really was/is insanely talented. But… not sure he had the ego strength to survive the inevitable ups and downs that would have come with taking a risk like that. I also think you are right about him realizing what he lost. He told me last year that he (still) thinks I am the best person he knows. Not sure he thought that when we were married.
His relationship history since me has been pretty limited. He started dating sporadically about a year after we split up. He had a couple short term girlfriends but no one that stuck around. About 18 months post separation, he met a woman. She was into musical theatre and they had a lot in common so it seemed like a good fit to me. On the other hand, I remember him talking to me about her and saying that she was really into him but he wasn’t even sure he was attracted to her. I told him I didn’t think he should get involved with someone he wasn’t attracted to just because she was really into him (reminded me of us in the beginning, TBH). I think she wore him down a bit as they did eventually start dating. A year after that, she got pregnant and they got married before his daughter was born. They were married for about three or four years before separating.
They’ve been separated for about ten or eleven years now…not sure if they have officially divorced. I’ve only met her once before. I was in their area about a year after they started dating and bought them lunch. I thought it was a nice visit although she was pretty quiet despite me asking her questions about herself. Unfortunately, it wasn’t from her end as the result was that afterwards, she told him she didn’t want him seeing me even though I lived five hours away and that likely wouldn’t happen anyway. I’ve never met his daughter for the same reason. He said if he ever introduced me to her, his ex would get back at him by getting in the way of him seeing her. So…she’s pretty insecure and, I think, wasn’t happy with how comfortable he and I were around each other when we had lunch that one time.
After that lunch, we really didn’t communicate much as we both wanted to respect her feelings and I was dating XH2. I recall that they got married around the time I sold my house and because I made a big profit and I knew XH1 didn’t have a lot of money, I sent them $1,000 as a wedding present. She made him send it back. I suppose maybe that wasn’t the best idea but honestly, I really just wished them the best and genuinely thought they could use the money as they were expecting the new baby and I knew neither of them were making much money. I had no ulterior motive at all but she obviously took it differently from what I had intended. That was disappointing because I know they really could have used the money. Maybe she thought if they accepted it, she would have to be okay with us being friends and she wasn’t up for that. I would have liked to have been friends with her as well but I know that she was cheated on in the past by an ex so it was just too risky from her perspective.
Anyway, since their separation, I think he has dated on occasion and may have even tried online dating at some point. He did tell me about a couple of dates but has never talked about or mentioned anyone special. He lives with his parents because his ex had her own business that was making next to nothing so about 80% of his income was going to her. That probably puts a natural damper on dating at our age…lol. Recently, he got a really good job that he says will allow him to get his own place so maybe he will try dating again once that happens. His mom has dementia though so I suspect he will stick around to help out his dad for awhile. Last year, he told me he hopes to be able to move to the Island in the future to a small town about an hour away from me. It’s a tiny little artsy community that I could see him fitting into well. I don’t know if he is serious about that to the extent that it is a plan or if he was just dreaming out loud. Luckily, if he really wants to, his job would enable him to live anywhere he wants as it is online and he works from home.
So…not sure if any of this clarifies the situation. If I had to guess, I would say that likely he has thought about what it would be like if we tried again. I think it would be only natural given we are both single and still think so highly of one another. Whether or not either of us would take the risk at the end of the day, I’m not sure. I’ll let you know when I get back…lol.
Yeah - doesn't really sound like he's a relationship-oriented or at least relationship-motivated person even now. You may seem great in the abstract but that's because he doesn't have to live with you. Doesn't mean you couldn't have a pleasant "friends with benefits" thing now but I'd be leery of expecting any more from him.
As for the jealous exW - that's unfortunate. CMM was very jealous - which I found to be weird, because I've actually never dated a jealous boyfriend before. He was very provoked by the fact that I am friends with almost every old boyfriend (EXCEPT for my exH).
I’m not sure that he isn’t relationship oriented. I think he hasn’t dated much because of his situation and not feeling like he has had a lot to offer anyone. It’s only recently that he’s had a decent job that pays well. Prior to that, he was really stretched financially which is a bigger deal for guys I think than with women.
Pretty sure if XH1 and I ever went down the road of a relationship, it would not be a friends with benefits situation. I wouldn’t risk the friendship we have for that, TBH. I doubt he would either. He knows the kind of person I am and would never venture down that road unless he was serious about it.
Anyway…time will tell. I’m open to what the universe puts in front of me. This may just be a brief trip down memory lane and a weekend spent with people I love or it may turn out to be something more. I think it will be fairly clear to me by the end of the visit which it is.
