Bema: This all makes me want to throw up. So sorry its happening to you.
Individual Counseling is a good step, like I noticed Steve mentioned. I got a lot of value from one of the Divorce Busting coaches - it didn't save my marriage but it was helpful.
I was also given the "list of resentments", told I was controlling, manipulative, and a narcissist. I had a list of all the things that were "wrong with me." I worked through them all.
Then I heard "why couldn't you have done this sooner." Or "you're just pretending". And when I would be human and make a mistake I'd hear "See!" implying "that's the real you!"
I think selfcare is incredibly critical. I held to my workout schedule, a good diet, and IC. Sleep was real tough - eventually I was able to get some - but that was hard!
I talked to my doctor about medicating, but decided against it. I really struggled with anxiety.
I picked up journaling at night, which helped with sleep because I would get everything out on paper. I did get a massage once a month for a time, which was incredibly rejuvenating to my soul - that can't be understated.
I cried. I started writing poetry to give my emotions a place to go. And in IC we have done a lot of work on feeling my feelings instead of avoiding or burying them. The Book Atlas of the Heart really helped me understand my feelings better and I'm re-reading it. The book Heartbreak by Ginette Paris also helped me understand what was happening to me and what I was going through.
I took up centering prayer, which is like meditation - it calms me down and helps me stay centered. 20 minutes a day.
I was blessed that I worked for myself. My counselor really stressed not expecting too much of myself and just doing what I could do. That helped. --------------------- In regards to saving it; we did marriage counseling, retrouvaille, I hired a divorce busting coach, I probably read 20 marriage books.
I think the changes I would have needed to make would have needed to be made so long ago that in the end I was just postponing. The only real chance was for my Ex to get real space, probably begin to date, gain some life experience and reality, to see that what she had was pretty good. But she's not one to think. She lives in the past, tends to be resentful, holds grudges for years and years, lacks a solid support system, and looks to blame others for her problems. I was labeled as her reason for unhappiness and that label stuck. So she had to get away.
We separated in 11/2020. She doesn't seem happier, she seems more depressed, but whatever. Divorce was final 2/2022. And I'm doing pretty good. ---------------------- There's a lot there. I hope something is helpful. All the best!
Scott, great post! I relate to the prayer. I prefer to pray to God than to meditate. Some do not believe so they meditate. Either way, having that outlet is amazing! I cannot imagine going through life without prayer.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
