Quote:


I also noticed that I was a little bothered by, well, feeling married again. Which was something I didn't expect. Part of that is because I am afraid of the familiar. Everytime something feels like our old R just a little bit, I get gun shy, and worried about where we're headed. I was really bad about that after the first sep. So I know what that is all about, and I'm not nearly so uptight this time.

The other half of it I didn't expect. I got used to that feeling of freedon. It was like I had the best of both worlds--my own space, no one I had to check in with, I could do my own thing without accounting to anyone...yet, I still had this psuedo-R going on, affection, ILY, and plenty of sex. I didn't have to worry about how my actions affected H because, well, we were seperated! It was like this weight had just vanished. And I didn't want that weight back But I think I can have both, with a little bit of effort. Just gotta wade through on how to do it. Mostly it's in my head. I've just got to let go of a lot of stuff--when I start obsessing, I just intentionally think of something else.




Boy, can I relate to this! I confess that when my dh told me a week ago he was going to move back in, my main emotion was disappointment. A big part of that was because he wasn't coming back in the way I had imagined (I love you! I want to commit to this marriage no matter what, etc), but another part was that it was almost a relief to be able to do what I wanted at home without having to worry about him. I could do whatever I wanted when he had the kids without feeling guilty, thinking that I should be at home with them. I still had my husband, we still went out, we still made love, we still talked every day....but at the same time, he wasn't living with me so I did have a lot more freedom in many ways.