Quote: Boy, how do you keep up with him? He is all over the place. You really are good.
LOL! Most days aren't like that! He had warned me during the movie he "felt funny," and I could kind of tell that something like that was going to happen. He was either really tired or just feeling very insecure/guilty. I'm guessing tired, since he'd spent the previous night at my place, and he absolutely can't sleep on my bed (too soft, kills his back, and keeps him up). Which means he should be feeling pretty normal today.
From this whole DB process, I've learned a lot about what triggers H's moods/reactions. It's helped me be a lot more understanding, and therefore much less bothered, by him. I also think he's been feeling like this, off and on, for the entire last three months. He told me he cried for three straight days before he asked to come home. In my earlier posts, I explain his prick versus emotionally sensitive sides. I get the prick (and so does anyone else) when he's feeling defensive (which explains his horrible attitude when I moved out--he admits that was a lot of it). I think I'm getting the emotional side now that he's let his guard down, and feels much more comfortable with me again. This is actually closer (although not this extreme ) to what he was like pre-bomb. Very affectionate and sappy.
Quote: I do know I have gotten some of my best results DBing when he has been jealous. In fact, H was ready to D until I started going out with friends - suddenly he "cared" again about me.
I can see this with my H. I have never intentionally tried to make him jealous. But there were things that happened that he had a jealous reaction to. It's like he suddenly realized what would really happen if he was completely gone from the picture.
Quote: Maybe you shouldn't call him at all for a bit, let him make all the contact. Be a bit unavailable to him.
Did that for two months. No joking. I made maybe a half-dozen logistic calls ("I'm going to the storage unit, do you want to come with me to get your extra checks?") in that time. The rest was entirely up to him. And we were talking three or four times a day, every day, for the last three weeks.
Also, I found that the more pleasant, no-stress, no-conditions contact we had...the more he wanted. So, ironically, the more I was with him, the more time he wanted to spend with me. This, obviously, didn't work in the beginning, but that's the way the last month has been. And I've sort of eased into more and more contact with him as he's asked for more. But I definately made sure to let him set the pace, because there were a few times I pressed too hard, and he backed away quick.
Quote: Or are his insecurities that bad that it won't work?
Yup. I was at the gym, then went tanning this past Monday. So he called me a couple of times and I didn't answer. His second vmail sounded really worried that I might be ignoring him. Every time he thinks I'm deliberatly ignoring him, he gets upset/hurt. He's just very, very insecure. Believe it or not, he actually used to be even more insecure when we first started dating. He's actually doing a lot better!
On top of that, H finally came out and told me that he felt emotionally cut off about a year or so ago. I'm trying to repair that unintentional damage, because I think I really hurt him bad. Maybe on the same level that I've experienced. He told me one time it was the loneliest feeling to reach out to someone, over and over, and be completely shut off. And have that go on for months.
I'm not always available to do things with him, but I'm making sure to be very emotionally available to him, in a way that he understands it. I think we were both wanting the same thing, just speaking completely different languages. So I'm being very careful to make the time, even if I only have 30 seconds when he calls, to let him know I'm there. And I'm making sure to involve myself with him in a way that is going to fill his emotional needs better. He's actually doing the same for me--I think he's beginning to see that physical touch is definately my LL.
And, I think the other thing that is getting to him is the guilt. I think it really eats him up sometimes. He thinks he's done such horrible things, he doesn't deserve another chance with me. And I think I contributed to that after our first sep. H would come to me and tell me how sorry he was then, (so I recognize the pattern here) and I didn't validate him. I had a friend at the time who got it into my head that I deserved to have him begging at my feet for forgiveness every day since he had a brief PA during the sep. I was stuck in this self-righteous attitude. Not productive. So I'm being careful not to repeat that mistake. I think my bad attitude really contributed to the second sep.
Thanks for stopping by. I always can use a different and fresh perspective. I work a lot of stuff out in my writing (thus the tendency toward long posts), so questions are always helpful.
Actually, H just called me. Said he knew I was at work. He's lonely, I can hear it, but not so out-of-control as last night. We only talked for a second because I was busy at work. I can't wait to see him later! Lots of studying for his GED class...I'm one of the only people he is comfortable enough with to do that.
Great, I just lost all of my typing courtesy of a power outage at work... Ah, well, out of my control, doesn't matter.
So I was the one feeling a little weird last night. Partially because I was still sick. H was being great, though. There's more to it than that, but I'll get to that later...
I called H a couple of times after I got out of work. He didn't answer. I hate feeling ignored--I've seen him purposefully not answer the phone when other people call him, and sometimes I get paranoid he's doing that with me. But I just switched my focus to something else.
I wound up skipping the gym last night since I still felt kind of sick. He came over earlier than I expected, and just let himself in. I was surprised he didn't even call first (I had to go close IE so he wouldn't see the BB!), but that just shows how comfortable he is with me now. So I didn't mind so much.
I asked him if his mom had harrassed him, since I had called her house looking for him (she can get that way sometimes... ). H said he hadn't talked to her, so no, and apologized for missing my call. He was really quick to point out that he had forgotten to turn it off silent, and hadn't heard it. He sounded pretty worried I would be mad. I told him it was no big deal, I was just glad to see him.
We curled up on the couch. I started massaging him. I think he was pretty surprised, since he hadn't even asked, I just did it anyway. He said he had missed it. I asked him if he missed the massage, or the attention from his W. He said both. After some time, he told me to stop, and he started to massage me. We switched back and forth for awhile...it was pretty nice, just to have some time together. I think I've found a pretty good way here to get some time/affection from him without pestering or demanding.
While we were eating, he asked me to get him a drink. Then he mentioned that he knew I was sick and liked to be take care of, and told me that it was okay, he would get it. Progress in that area, then.
I had a chance here to be critical, and I had to fight myself to do it, but I won. H had accidentally left the stove on after he took out the pizza, and I caught it while he was in the shower and turned it off. There was really no point in telling him he forgot. So I made sure not to mention it.
While he was in the shower, roommate called. This really bugged me--I think because he asked me who was calling, so I looked at his caller ID. He said he would just talk to her later, she probably just wanted to know where the remote was at. My little brain got all irritated then--thinking how she was just calling him for something inconsequential, like someone you're involved with does. I was getting pretty worked up, and went to lay down on the couch, when I realized how silly I was being. I didn't even know for sure what she wanted! (But I still don't like her.) When H came out, he asked me if I was okay. I must have looked a little bothered. I said I was just tired, since I was still feeling kind of sick. He must have actually believed me, since he didn't ask about it anymore.
His phone rang a few more times (different people), and he headed out on the balcony to answer. He made a point of telling me that he always did that, for me not to feel bad. I told him it was okay, I knew that. He's been very, very sensitive about not wanting to hurt my feelings lately, and I really appreciate it.
I feel like I'm a pretty grumpy when I am instructing/answering questions. So while H was studying, I asked him if he thought I sound irritated. He told me no. So that's good. I always feel like I am, but I don't want to act that way. What did really get on my nerves is when he doesn't listen to my advice. That's what he asked me for! So he's working out a math problem, and I point out what he wrote down is an improper method, and he gets irritated since he got the right answer anyway. Asked me what it mattered, since they're only looking for the answer. I told him he needs to get in the habit of properly writing stuff down so that it won't mess him up later. So we went round and round about this, until I finally was able to show him that what he wrote down didn't mean what he thought it did. I know he felt criticized, so I was trying not to get too mad like I might have done before. I know it's very hard for him to let me work with him, since he feels so exposed.
After he was done with the GED stuff, we were watching a little TV. He was commenting on how the different women looked on the show, what he thought was attractive about them. This sort of thing never bothered me until our first sep. I used to not even care. But now my little brain starts thinking about what I feel is inadequate about me, and that he must on some level still want to sleep around. He asked if he was bothering me, and I told him I didn't care if he wanted to look, but I don't like hearing it (which is true). After awhile, I mentioned I was feeling kind of funny, and he said it was probably because of what he had been saying, and he apologized. This is a first. He said he hadn't realized how what he was saying could be disrespectful. I was actually floored. He then said he would try to be more careful, that he did like to look, but he only loved me. I was really, really flattered. H had always maintained that he wasn't going to change that part about him for anyone--that he was going to look, and he was going to comment, and he didn't care. Yeah, obviously one of his less-endearing traits. But that made me feel pretty good.
So then he started talking about what clothes or makeup or hair style might make me look better. Asked me if I would wear what so-and-so had on TV. I was a little skeptical of some of it. I don't mind playing dress-up, but I have this thing of wanting to be comfortable (you can look good and still be comfortable!), and I felt like he was trying to change the way I am. But then he said something like "I mean, would you wear that out clubbing." Which would be fine. I just didn't want to dress like that all of the time. Sometimes I feel like he's wanting to sex me up more than I want to. I really don't mind doing some stuff sometimes, but I don't want to change my entire personal sense of taste.
He was asking me if I was willing to get a boob job--said he would pay for it. I was rather obviously crossing my arms over myself, and I told him that it sounded painful, and I didn't need to be any bigger anyway. He told me that maybe just lifting them up would look nice. I told him the idea of being cut there just sounded painful. He told me he had heard it "wasn't that bad." I just shot him a dirty look, said how would he like to be cut "down there."
I must have been obviously retreating, because he followed me across the room. Told me that I had asked for his opinion on how to improve the way I looked, and he was only offering suggestions. And he was right. That made me feel better. I hadn't even thought of that.
Just hearing it made me feel very unattractive, a way I hadn't felt in quite some time. I'm not necessarily sure it was all his fault I felt that way. I think I'm still being too sensitive, because in retrospect, he wasn't really picking apart anything about me. I think he really was trying to be helpful. He's just very straight-forward.
I realized part of the reason I was kind of feeling weird was I had some-what shifted back to my more insecure days. I think because H was there, and we were doing some familiar things, I sort of slipped back into that old rut again without knowing it. And I think that's why I was feeling so funny last night--because I used to feel that way a lot of the time.
I also noticed that I was a little bothered by, well, feeling married again. Which was something I didn't expect. Part of that is because I am afraid of the familiar. Everytime something feels like our old R just a little bit, I get gun shy, and worried about where we're headed. I was really bad about that after the first sep. So I know what that is all about, and I'm not nearly so uptight this time.
The other half of it I didn't expect. I got used to that feeling of freedon. It was like I had the best of both worlds--my own space, no one I had to check in with, I could do my own thing without accounting to anyone...yet, I still had this psuedo-R going on, affection, ILY, and plenty of sex. I didn't have to worry about how my actions affected H because, well, we were seperated! It was like this weight had just vanished. And I didn't want that weight back But I think I can have both, with a little bit of effort. Just gotta wade through on how to do it. Mostly it's in my head. I've just got to let go of a lot of stuff--when I start obsessing, I just intentionally think of something else.
I've noticed our R is different. Things have definately changed. Gotta keep remembering the baby steps, because we're headed in the right direction, even though there are a few things left to resolve yet.
Well, I called H around 12:30. I was really missing him. He actually was up, and I asked him if he wanted to go to lunch. He jumped at the chance, said he would be here as soon as he could.
Lunch was very nice. We sat and ate outside. Very pleasant. I told him I was sorry I got upset last night, that I realized I was upset about the TV stuff because I was feeling insecure again. He told me felt bad, that he would try and be more careful of what he said, he didn't mean to upset me--it's just that he had that level of comfort around me, he was just saying what popped in his head.
He asked me later if, when he was talking to this girl A, it had really bothered me a lot. It took me a minute to place what he was talking about--when we had walked into the gym, and this girl who worked there recognized him, and seemed pretty excited and came over to talk. I had told him later it made me a little jealous. He asked me why, and I said because she seemed enthusiastic. I then told him I knew my jealousy was a problem, that I was trying to get it under control, because a lot of the stuff I react to really isn't a big deal.
He asked if I would be bothered if I saw him dancing with other people. That he hadn't before because I didn't dance the. I told him it would bother me. He told me it was hypocritical, since he was okay with me dancing with other people. I said that I knew that, and that my own jealousy was even driving me crazy.
He told me that it wasn't that big of a deal, he loved me anyway (I think he still feels responsible for my being a jealous person). I told him it was a big deal, because it was even driving me batty! That I didn't want to be "the jealous wife" for the rest of our lives. I told him there's a difference between feeling a certain way, and acting on those feelings. That I get jealous very easily, but I'm trying not to do anything when I know it's really no big deal. I just have this obsession with other women, and my own paranoia that they're interested in him. Not the blatant flirters at the bar--the ones who try to get free drinks or whatever. That doesn't work on him. But the kind who seem friendly, but actually have a different agenda. (Hmmm...gee...like what happened during the first sep...I can see exactly where this comes from, not that it helps any. )
So I told him, I was going to work on the jealousy the same way I got over being mad at him. Even though it bothers me, I'm going to choose to act a different way. And, sooner or later, the feelings will follow. It's worked, to a degree, on the jealousy alread--I'm no reacting to the phone calls or even just the mention or roommate the way I used to.
He didn't say much--I could tell he was just digesting all that information.
It was actually a very nice lunch. The majority of the time was very pleasant, the above excerpt was just a few minutes. I always enjoy his company. I wanted to be more close physically, but H used to complain he couldn't walk because I hung on him too much, so I made an effort to not be clingy.
After he dropped me off at work, I gave a quick kiss on the lips. He asked for another. And another. And another. I finally told him I had to go back in!
We made plans to go to the gym together, and actually do a work out together, after I get out of work. I know how bad he's been wanting to do this sort of thing with me, and we've tried in the past. Now I have a great chance to listen to what he has to say, and not get all weird and funny and insecure on him.
Hi Nevanna, How are you? You have a lot of insight into your sitch! You are doing really well.
I'll have to read more about your panic attacks. How did you get over them? How do you not pursue??? I see that you KNOW that it works for you, so you just DO it! I have such a hard time WAITING...well, you know that alreay.
Things are going pretty good for me. How about you? I usually take the weekends off from here. I posted my e-mail address earlier on this thread. Feel free to write me. If you can't find it, let me know, and I will post it again. I check my mail pretty regularly.
Quote: You have a lot of insight into your sitch!
I realized that I had always known everything I needed to about my H, just wasn't using it effectively. I just took the time to really figure out how to put those pieces together.
Quote: I'll have to read more about your panic attacks. How did you get over them?
Not very well!! LOL I've always had them. The first one I can remember, I must have been 12 or 13. They're always social interactions that get me. A solo playing test in middle school band...five year high school reunion (that one actually happened before the event, and drove my H up a wall)...going out dancing at a bar...
I have found the best way to not have them, is to decide going into whatever situation that I'm going to be fine, I'm going to have a blast, and screw everyone else. They're hard to control once they start. The other trick, for me at least, is to not just give into it. I used to let it take over, and would hide in a bathroom or just leave, and wound up crying for hours. No joking. And then, after I calmed down, would just berate myself for letting something so silly get to me.
But, seriously, the times I have decided that, absolutely positively, I was going to have a great time--I have. I think that it's just a bad habit that I can get out of...sort of like getting into a different lane on the interstate, so therefore my destination is different. And the panic attacks have been less frequent. I absolutely refuse to take any medication for it. I also think too much sugar, for me, might be related...but that's so hard to prove.
Quote: How do you not pursue??? I see that you KNOW that it works for you, so you just DO it!
Oh man, I was the queen of pursuing until this seperation. There are times I pick up the phone, then put it down. And pick it up, and put it down. I have done this dozens and dozens of times. I keep telling myself that, as much I keep thinking it will make me feel better--it's really only going to make things worse! That's what really stops me, on my bad days.
The other thing I have learned--it's all about distractions. I literally try to think about something else when I'm really stuck. Something, anything--cute puppies or going to the tanning bed. Or I go and do something else...go shopping, go work out, play a video game. Anything. It's certainly not easy!
Anyway, feel free to e-mail me. Have a good day! And believe me, I understand about not having any patience...I fight with mine every day!
I had been kind of dreading the gym, but it was actually fun. After we got there, he said he was going to do his best to make me feel very sore the next day. He decided that it was time I try the free weights (UGH...I've never liked those). So then he decided I needed a pair of workout gloves. We picked up a pair at the front of the gym, and he insisted that I needed to take off my rings.
I hate taking off my rings. For one, they give me emotional comfort. I feel funny without them. And for two, I was already at the gym, and I was sooo paranoid of losing them. I hate that something so small can be worth so much money! I resisted, but finally agreed to do it. I went and put them back in my locker. When I came back, H wanted to see how the gloves fit, and was pressing around on them. I happened to tell him that I did take off the rings--and he quipped that he believed me, he wasn't checking for them. Ooops.
I did feel a little funny during the workout. I have no upper body strength, despite have progressed at the gym for the last year and a half. So when he wanted me to do bench presses...well...yeah, all I could handle (barely) was the bar, with no additional weights. I didn't get uptight or freak out, necessarily, but I kept talking about how being able to handle 30 lbs actually was an improvement for me. And that my legs were much, much stronger. He kept telling me that it was no big deal, and I know he was trying to reassure me, but I was still feeling pretty self-conscious. I'm going to have to be better and just keeping those self-deprecating comments to myself...it's always been a bad habit of mine. I did a lot better than I had in the past, but I'm still doing it, which is annoying.
However, I did actually enjoy it, and didn't have to make a huge effort to stay relaxed. So that's progress! H also was much, much nicer than he had been on previous attempts to work out together. He was clearly trying hard, too, and did a nice job of it. He did tell me I was a lousy spotter...he was laughing...but I already knew that.
I think this really plugged into his happy center. He's always talking about how he wants to show people what he knows at the gym, and wanted specifically to show me stuff there. So I think this must have really made him feel good.
He came back with me to my place for a short while. Even offered to walk my dog while I put a pizza in and took a shower! I used to have such a hard time getting him to help me with her. He wound up attacking me, and left a litte late for work....
He called me back less than two hours later, told me how much he missed me. I told him (which he already knew) that I some friends had asked me to take them into the club, and I would see him soon.
Then, my friend and her bf bailed on me. (Not surprising, this is the third time she has specifically asked me to take her in, and then not gone.) I called BIL2, and he said he wasn't feeling good, and wasn't sure he would go. So then I called MIL, but she had already committed to babysit BIL1's kids that night.
So...I was down to no one to go in with me. I was already dressed up. I missed my H, and had told him I would be there. So I went anyway.
The place was dead. I wound up actually pulling up a stool and just hanging out with H. In a dance club. H was pretty bored. I told him my friend and her bf had bailed, how I was frustrated because she is constantly making plans but cancelling on me--but that I wasn't mad, because I think she gets insecure, and that's what I used to do. H made the (horribly insensitive) comment that now I knew how he felt. I got pretty ticked, was like "Thank you very much." He apologized, then said it just showed how far I had grown. I was still irritated, but he did apologize, and I'm making sure not to carry grudges. After all, he did apologize.
BIL2 did wind up there. His allergies were obviously bothering him, pretty bad. We wound up just messing around with H--throwing ice chips around at each other. I left early (well, for a club, anyway) at 1:30am. H made a point to ask BIL2 to walk me out to my car. He worries about me even more now that we're not together all of the time.
I also noticed that I was a little bothered by, well, feeling married again. Which was something I didn't expect. Part of that is because I am afraid of the familiar. Everytime something feels like our old R just a little bit, I get gun shy, and worried about where we're headed. I was really bad about that after the first sep. So I know what that is all about, and I'm not nearly so uptight this time.
The other half of it I didn't expect. I got used to that feeling of freedon. It was like I had the best of both worlds--my own space, no one I had to check in with, I could do my own thing without accounting to anyone...yet, I still had this psuedo-R going on, affection, ILY, and plenty of sex. I didn't have to worry about how my actions affected H because, well, we were seperated! It was like this weight had just vanished. And I didn't want that weight back But I think I can have both, with a little bit of effort. Just gotta wade through on how to do it. Mostly it's in my head. I've just got to let go of a lot of stuff--when I start obsessing, I just intentionally think of something else.
Boy, can I relate to this! I confess that when my dh told me a week ago he was going to move back in, my main emotion was disappointment. A big part of that was because he wasn't coming back in the way I had imagined (I love you! I want to commit to this marriage no matter what, etc), but another part was that it was almost a relief to be able to do what I wanted at home without having to worry about him. I could do whatever I wanted when he had the kids without feeling guilty, thinking that I should be at home with them. I still had my husband, we still went out, we still made love, we still talked every day....but at the same time, he wasn't living with me so I did have a lot more freedom in many ways.
I was actually feeling pretty sick when I got home--like I had had too much to drink, which was funny, since I didn't drink at all the whole time. Just water. So I completely crashed. H came to see me after work, and I barely remember it. Something about wanting me to set up a place to sleep on the floor while he took a shower. I remember wanting him to take the dog out, so she wouldn't have an accident while he was in the shower. And that I was very, very out of it and grumpy. I remember H asking me why I was telling at him.
We both slept on the floor, which turned out to be great for my back (he wanted to sleep there for his back). It was sooo nice to wake up with him...I hadn't had that in a long time. I even joked I had missed the morning breath. LOL
I was still not feeling well. We made plans to eat with MIL, and I decided I needed a quick shower to get that stale smoke smell from the club off of me. Quick shower turned into looong shower. I was feeling dizzy and foggy and really out of it. When I get to feeling bad, I move so slow. H at one point got real annoyed with me, when I was in the bathroom tying my hair up. I got kind of dizzy, and closed my eyes. He accused me of "doing it again." (He used to claim I faked being sick to get attention.) I got really ticked--told him I most definately was not, that I felt really weird, and I didn't appreciate him accusing me of anything. He backed off, apologized, said he "couldn't tell."
We left later than we had meant to. He drove. I laid the car seat back--I remember him asking me if I was going to talk to him, and can't recall what I said. I really don't remember much of the ride, but he told me I was being pretty mean. I told him I probably just needed food--I wasn't judgemental with him when he got cranky because he was tired and hungry. He kept telling me I was being gripey, but there are times I honestly don't even know what said.
I think he got a little worried when we got to MIL's, and I just sort of fell over on the couch. They both decided I needed to eat soon. H drove. Somewhere along the way, he realized I hadn't eaten anything in 24 hours. (Ooops. Didn't do it on purpose.) He commented that he hadn't, either, and he was okay. And then, for him, made a really surprising comment--that maybe I handle things different than him physically. He had always gotten frustrated when I didn't keep up with him physically before. I think I kind of worried him. I was so blanked out on the way to the restaurant. He started to look back, and then reach back to check on me, quite a bit.
Food did help. Did wonders. I must have just been completely shut down. Not good for DBing!
H told me while we were at the restaurant, that he had a hunch even before he asked me out that I might be the right person for him. We talked about how we were going to have one kid, and adopt a second. Or maybe adopt first, then have one.
We did some running around after that. Just errands and stuff. It was felt very, very right. Did lots of reminiscing. I commented that it was kind of frustrating that it had gotten so complicated--but that none of that matter, because I was going to be with him for the rest of my life.
He told me on the drive back to my place that he didn't know why he had babies on the brain so much lately, especially since he hadn't wanted them before. I told him it was just because he was feeling very lovey dovey, it was just an example of how he wanted to get closer to me.
After we got to my place, we talked about, of all things, his butt. Not kidding. He asked me if I like it, since it had gotten bigger. I told him that it was very nice, very muscular. I won't go into the more descriptive things I said...
I've found that he asks a lot about what I think of his body. If I can see the muscles, if he's gotten bigger, if he looks good...that sort of thing. I think he's fishing for compliments, so I'm going to make sure to offer them first more often. The butt conversation really made him smile.
H had to leave for work. I really didn't want him to go. He told me he would be back to spend the night again, that there were a lot of things he wanted to do with me on Sunday.
After he was at work, I left him a vmail apologizing for having been a grouch. That I had a great day with him, that I missed him, and couldn't wait to see him.
It's ironic, we accuse the WAS of "having their cake and eating it too." I think I sort of was that way toward the end...LOL... Didn't laundry for H or have to clean up after him, I could decorate my apartment any way I wanted... I didn't have to "play the wife" but I got all of the benefits of it.
We're moving back together sloooowly. H and I are no longer officially seperated, but he is going to be "living" with his mom, I am getting a new place close to her house, and I think he will be over more. I think the easing back in is a good idea, to keep us both from being shell-shocked. One step at a time...
So Sunday was a big, fat bomb. I should have expected it. The S always pulls back after being too close. And were together quite a bit for Friday and Saturday.
I guess what really got me was that I thought he was making plans with me, and I felt like he backed out. He had told me he would spend Saturday night after work. When he didn't come in, I was restless, kept waking up, and looking for him. Got up for good at 7:30am, called him around 8:00, and didn't get an answer.
I decided he had fallen asleep at his place after work, no big deal, and hadn't made it to see me. So I just went about my day, and figured he would call me when he got up.
I cleaned. I went to the gym. I did laundry, gave the dog a (much-needed) bath. I called him at 2:00, and no answer, so just said ILY on vmail.
He called me back at 4:00. Said he had just gotten up, and sounded it. That he hadn't gotten home until 8:00am. I made the mistake of mentioning I had called him at 8, and he (very, very quickly) said he had left the phone in the front room. But I validated, said he must have been dead tired, and just gone to bed. He said he had, that it was a very busy night at work, and he was just gross with sweat when he came home. We didn't talk long, he said he would call me later.
It was too late to go apartment hunting with me at that point or go to the restaurant with BIL2 like we had talked about. But I figured he would still watch the DVD with me like he had planned.
He called me back around 6:00pm, said he was getting fast food. We chatted for a while. I finally figured out he wasn't coming over at all. I was only really bothered because I had thought we had plans, but I guess not. Lesson for me--not going to sit around and wait, unless they are confirmed. I told him I was disappointed, but only because he hadn't told me he had changed his mind. I was pretty upset, but he apologized, so I wasn't going to push the issue. He let me go so he could eat, said he would call me later.
I had really, really missed him all day. Mostly because he had said he was going to do several things with me. It felt like, before, when he used to ditch me all the time. Really stung.
So he didn't call me before I went to bed. I called him twice, 20 minutes apart, with no answer. I left one vmail telling him ILY. Then decided to leave a second, asking him to just call me and tell me goodnight, I really missed him.
I did a bad thing... I can see if a vmail has been listened to. So I did the snooping. He had heard both messages almost immediately, and didn't answer me back. It was really, really freaking me out last night. I thought he was ignoring my calls, he had ditched for the day...anyway, I was really ticked and very hurt. I wanted to leave him a vmail really badly. Actually picked up the phone several times, and started to do it. But I somehow managed not to, and finally went to sleep an hour later.
H called me at 4am. Said he had finally told roommate he was going to move out, and it had gone better than expected. Said he really missed me. I was pretty slap-happy...we didn't talk long. It did make me feel better. I'm sure most of yesterday was in my head. He even apologized for not answeing the phone--said he had it on silent. Was really quick to say it, like he was bothered or something. He's so funny about making sure he tells me why he didn't answer, even though I completely don't believe him, that I'm not going to push it and make him more upset. I think he may have been talking with roommate, and chose to ignore it. I don't know. But it drives me crazy.
He had warned me during the movie he "felt funny," and I could kind of tell that something like that was going to happen. He was either really tired or just feeling very insecure/guilty. I'm guessing tired, since he'd spent the previous night at my place, and he absolutely can't sleep on my bed (too soft, kills his back, and keeps him up). Which means he should be feeling pretty normal today.
) to what he was like pre-bomb. Very affectionate and sappy. 
I had a friend at the time who got it into my head that I deserved to have him begging at my feet for forgiveness every day since he had a brief PA during the sep. I was stuck in this self-righteous attitude. Not productive. So I'm being careful not to repeat that mistake. I think my bad attitude really contributed to the second sep. 
Ah, well, out of my control, doesn't matter. 
But that made me feel pretty good.
But I think I can have both, with a little bit of effort. Just gotta wade through on how to do it. Mostly it's in my head. I've just got to let go of a lot of stuff--when I start obsessing, I just intentionally think of something else. 