Create the life...

[Elbereth]

Someone I follow on social media mentioned something that caught my attention. It’s called crisis fatigue. I am wondering if this is some of what I am feeling. When I look back at the events in my life over the past 5 years or so, there was a lot of extreme stress. The stress started long before the bomb drop. In fact, if you have read my thread, I believe it triggered my early menopause transition. Then you add the anger and contempt I experienced before the BD, the affair, the trauma of having to manage the remodeling and selling of my dream home while my life fell apart…it’s clear I suffered and lost a lot of what I thought my life would be. Add in the gaslighting, the projecting, the confusion, and all the other MLC, narcissistic behaviors… no wonder I am shut down and numb. I’ve been struggling to just get through. To reach each day. To get better. To find my way. Good or bad…it’s still more exhausting effort which feels like no end. Maybe my body and mind is just trying to say its done. So it’s frozen again. I’m shut down…mostly.

I mean I am kind of functioning. I got my health back, I’m eating decent, I’m getting some exercise, I’m doing things with friends, I’m reading and healing, but I’m also still struggling…to get through the divorce, to now find a new job/direction, to move into an apartment… I can’t stop moving because I feel like I have no choice, but my mind and body I think are trying to get me to stop…not by screaming and falling apart. But rather by going quiet. Feeling unmotivated. By not being able to dream about anything, except if I will watch a show on Netflix with popcorn or go to bed. It’s a chore to get through each day. I feel like I’m in a fog…distracted, shut down, lost.

I know I am strong enough to get through it all. I know I have a future ahead…but as I mentioned above, I’m struggling to visualize it or get excited about it. I wish I could just take six months off and go to some healing retreat where I could just focus on healing and not necessarily on living. But I can’t. I know no one will take care of me but me. I have no one but myself.

Anyway, these are the thoughts running through my brain tonight. I wonder if anyone else has heard of this and if they think this is real? Or if it’s just depression.

El