Dink, I know you won't like hear this, but it has to be sad. This is less about you than you think it is. We see it all the time. WAS/WSs that meet someone new and then the next thing you know they are bringing up all of the old stuff they just cannot get past. Even though they had been past it unitl they met their AP. I've seen this behavior with friends and family too. And I experienced it with my own WW back 4 years ago.
LBSs actually deep down WANT it to be about them Then they think there is a chance they can fix it. "If they'd give me another chance I can be perfect and show them how much better off they'd be with me!"
Another truth you have to face, is that women want a man as a partner. Not a doormat. Not someone that is willing to give up everything else they care about for them. Oh, they don't come out and say that, but a guy that never does anything by himself, is willing to go $1000s of dollars into debt for her, and lives to try to make her happy becomes unattractive to them over time. I once knew a D'd woman who said that one of her big complaints about her Ex-H is that he never ever disagreed with her. So while we might think a woman would love a man that agrees with every word she utters, in truth it makes a man look weak and unattractive. As much as our society doesn't like to admit it, you cannot defeat biology! And there are a lot of biological factors that come into play as to why women find things attractive or unattractive.
Some around here have repeated a saying, and I think it especially applies in your situation. You will never look more attractive to her than when you are walking away. And I do not mean walking away from her because SHE wants you to, but walking away from her because you are standing up for yourself! This is why we have tried to get you to stop being so awfully available to her. She is getting her cake and eating too. She gets to go off and do who knows what with her AP, and then still call and text you to be her "husband". You have to show her that you are NOT her husband anymore.
This is why I highly suggested just telling the kids yourself, and not waiting for her or waiting to talk to her about "how". Take the bull by the horns. And do it. You have cowtowed and walked on eggshells around her long enough, and where did that get you? Well, it got you to where you are. It is time to start living for Dink. For standing up for Dink. For figuring out what Dink wants in life and going out and achieving it. You were absent for 9 years. Then you were omnipresent for 5 years. Extremes rarely ever work! You need to go out and GAL, and if she decides to come back, and you are open to it, understand that GAL continues even after reconciliation! No more putting your life on hold for her. The most healthy relationships are two whole, fulfilled, healthy individuals coming together as a couple. Imagine if when you first started dating her you had no life, and your quickly just were on the hook for her every beck and call? She would have run the other way fast.
There were times in my life when I was absent in my own MR. Then the temptation after each of my wife's EA was to become Stepford Husband. What I learned is that she didn't want that. Sure she wanted me present, but she didn't want me omnipresent. So after our sitch 4 years ago I went out and GAL. And then after reconciliation I continued to keep that life. I am hanging out with a friend tomorrow night. I am going to the gun range with a friend Friday night. Having a spouse that has a life is much more fulfilling than having spouse that is just always there. There has to be a balance!
And finally, if she were to come back now, I would hope that you would have requirements for that to occur. Based on what you have told us she has some serious social, and maybe even mental, issues that she has to address. I would not even consider reconciling with her until she were in counseling. And I would highly suggest the same for yourself. You have been through trauma, and trauma requires IC to navigate. And then once she was in IC for a while (and you as well) I would require MC as a requirement for reconciliation.
Now I know you might think that having requirements would mean that she will never reconcile. And that is not a bad thing. WAS that want to reconcile will be willing to jump through hoops to do so! Those that are only coming back to spare feelings of their LBS, kids or because the AP ended things will not. But if you let her come back without requirements you will be right back here in 1-3 years. Learn from your mistake of the last time, and do not just let her waltz right back in.
Sorry for the novel. But this is more about her than it is about you, and you need to realize that because you cannot fix this. Only she can!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I do know that I can not fix this, and one thing you said strikes soooooooo true to me. Everything seemed pretty good to me for the most part . Then I had surprised her about taking a trip to Florida for spring break earlier this month because she loves the beach. She wasn’t quite as excited as I would have thought it was kinda of weird. Well the following weekend she came up to me and said We’re you planning on renewing our vows when we go, because a little while back she mentioned wanting to renew our vows, as our 30th Anniversay would be April 11 around the time we would be gone. I said I wasn’t really planning on it, that was more your idea. She then she said ok, because I don’t know if I am ready for that. I said ok again that was your idea, but you saying that is kinda of concerning. She said just forget I said anything, I said kinda hard to forget that. I said I did buy the trip insurance and can cancel the trip, which I did two days later. So the next day I asked her about what happened and she said she wanted a divorce. I was like ok, kinda caught me off guests. Now 3 weeks or so later I find out about OM and it begins to make sense. When I finally found out for sure about OM and confronted her, she said they had only been chatting for a about a month or so. The thing is she was already so deep in the the talking that’s she now wants to divorce. She says she has been thinking about it for a awhile, but conveniently not until another person comes into the picture does she actually say something….hmmm. It’s like all of sudden all the past issues and stuff come out again that she has always talked about, but not as frequently as before. It’s like she needs some one in place before she can say she wants to leave. She does t not being alone, and as I stated very needy, with low self esteem. 10 months ago her sister has gastric bypass because of being over weight and now is very slim, and my wife is overweight and jealous of her sister , and even talk to me about having the surgery but doesn’t think she can because of various health issues . I told her at that time that she was more than a number on a scale to me, but she is vey vain about how she looks, needing to ask me a minimum of three times how she looks before we can go out the door. After I found out about the OM this time after I moved out , I sent a rant text stating Again you took the easy way out. I said I was good with the divorce this time as last time I begged and chased and did what I could do to keep you hear, but im not going to do that again if you are that unhappy. I don’t want you to stay if you are unhappy. I said the thing is you don’t need another man you need to work on yourself and the past issues in your life reagrding our marraiage The passing of your dad and issues with your dad growing up and the issue with what the babysitter did when you were you. I don’t care what relationship you go into you will never be happy because you aren’t addressing the issues In Your past with us and the babysitter your dads recent death etc and thinking a new man or relationship will make it all go away. I said trust me I know I am not all the problem here or our past together, and I also no that a new man is not going to fix your issues As only you can. I said what you need to get back in to consoling and work on yourself only. I was rambling on but tried my best to get my point accross. That being said it did not go over well.
She wrote back, you do know that what you did to me those i years not talking to me much and being emotionally unavailable is called mental abuse right? That’s why im not the same wife you married.
And a week later after I told her about trip and her telling me that she wasn’t ready for the vow renewal when I told her about the trip, she said If I had not planned the trip she was going to wait to tell me until October after my daughters wedding. But she told me now because she didn’t want me to spend the money on the trip….
Ah yes. The abuse card. Almost every WW plays it. "You mentally abused me." "You emotionally abused me." "You verbally abused me." One time you bumped into her "You physically abused me!"
Dink, take the focus off of her. Focus on yourself. She's got a lot of issues she needs to deal with. You're 100% right that a new dude ain't gonna fix her. But she'll have to learn that the hard way.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The long post SteveLW wrote above is absolute DB gold. It’s incredibly accurate and appropriate for your situation. IMHO, it should be added to the stickies on this forum.
You are getting incredibly good advice for free, from veterans who have been through this, that you are too available to her and you need to flip that 180 degrees and focus on YOURSELF.
And how did you respond to that advice? You wrote a whole lot more BS about your crazy wife and what she may or not have been thinking about in the past.
You need to read Steve’s post again, print it out, digest it, and stop writing to us about what your crazy partner might have been thinking/saying/doing in all your previous interactions in the last few years.
I’ll ask again, because you ignored me last time - what are your GAL activities, hobbies, sports, social groups, interests - and do you have a solid exercise regime? Please tell us about those. There’s not a psychologist on the planet that won’t tell you lots of hard and physical exercise is the BEST thing you can do during a relationship breakup.
Dink, you really need to go Dark for your own good and sanity. I am going through my own sitch Right now which is a zoo saying the least. Some things are extremely hard to do especially when the only thing is on ur mind is SHE(Analyzing crap). It’s insanely hard for me to take my mind by the balls and work on myself or look for the ways to make myself better. Please listen to the Vets here. GAL is really hard one but start small - go to the gym. Gym can help you turn Emotional Pain into physical pain (Feeling sore after the work out will keep ur mind off of her) + there are some women at the gym for the same reason you will be there. Maybe you make a friend or two.
First, I just want to echo the others about getting your mind off her.
Second, what you may be trying to do is understand what's going on. It's part of the grieving process. You, your body and soul don't want to go through this again so you're doing what any sane person would do - learn how to avoid this again in the future.
The way you are, and I did go about it is wrong (listening to woman you are in strife with). If you need to focus on her for a minute then get back to the advice given, then briefly here goes: she is trying to justify what she is doing, she is trying to convince you of harm in the past - if you agree with what happened then she is validated, if you disagree with her then she is validated as it means youre being abusive now in her eyes. You aren't but right now, she is looking at the past in a negative lens and is rewriting history. If Dink was abusive, surely then I am totally justified in the damage I am doing to him, myself and the family. She will look back as long as needed to find justification. When she finds it, no making how small it was, she will make it an issue then lash out at you for it. If she can't find anything in the past to justify her actions, you can be certain she will create the situation to make new reasons. "I just want space and Dink messages me, see how overbearing and controlling he is?" "Dink messaged me asking to split dishes up, see how he wants me to feel hurt and focus on the divorce?". "This is abusive and why I need out". Then her friends validate her.
It's all nonsense, but that is in one shape or form the reality of the situation. Dink the more you contact with her, the more you will be hurt, and the more it's used against you. It's an unwinnable game until or unless her mindset changes. What you can control right now, is Dinks thoughts, actions and to a degree your own feelings.
God Bless and persevere, Dink.
Last edited by Core; 03/31/2201:40 PM.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I have been working on the projects in the house to get it ready for sale. I have went out to dinner a few times with my sister. Tonight I am meeting my cousin for drinks and dinner. I have not reached out to her for at least a week. I left the other house on March 14 and she has been the one reaching out to me. Yes I have responded, but am much better at making it short and no relationship stuff. I understand what you all are saying and I am implementing them more and each day. It’s a process . And yes I have to quit focusing on her and the past. Sometime I just feel like I need to give the full background so that you guys can accurately know and it will allow for the best input from you on this board. I value all of your input, whether it is coming down on me for Misstepping or mistakes I am still making.
So I had put in for this next week of starting tomorrow until next Saturday at work thinking we were going on spring break,(the trip I have discussed previously) and when she said she wasn’t ready for vow renewals ext. I still plan on being off that week, it will give me time to work on the house and just focus on me and doing some things. The question I have is this, how should I handle this scenario…..She is off starting tomorrow as well until the following Sunday for spring break, she is a school teacher. What if she contacts me to say she will come help get the house ready to put up for sale?
So I had put in for this next week of starting tomorrow until next Saturday at work thinking we were going on spring break,(the trip I have discussed previously) and when she said she wasn’t ready for vow renewals ext. I still plan on being off that week, it will give me time to work on the house and just focus on me and doing some things. The question I have is this, how should I handle this scenario…..She is off starting tomorrow as well until the following Sunday for spring break, she is a school teacher. What if she contacts me to say she will come help get the house ready to put up for sale?
"I would prefer to do the prep myself."
If she pushes it, just keep repeating "I would prefer to do the prep myself."
REmember, though, you cannot control her. She may show up anyway. When I was dealing with my WW I kept a copy of Sandi's rules on my phone. I read them multiple times a day. I referred to them when I had to interact with her. Keep things business like. Concentrate on sandi's words about treating her like the cashier at the store. Do not overshare. Listen, validate. End discussions by staying busy.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
