Well, I called H around 12:30. I was really missing him. He actually was up, and I asked him if he wanted to go to lunch. He jumped at the chance, said he would be here as soon as he could.
Lunch was very nice. We sat and ate outside. Very pleasant. I told him I was sorry I got upset last night, that I realized I was upset about the TV stuff because I was feeling insecure again. He told me felt bad, that he would try and be more careful of what he said, he didn't mean to upset me--it's just that he had that level of comfort around me, he was just saying what popped in his head.
He asked me later if, when he was talking to this girl A, it had really bothered me a lot. It took me a minute to place what he was talking about--when we had walked into the gym, and this girl who worked there recognized him, and seemed pretty excited and came over to talk. I had told him later it made me a little jealous. He asked me why, and I said because she seemed enthusiastic. I then told him I knew my jealousy was a problem, that I was trying to get it under control, because a lot of the stuff I react to really isn't a big deal.
He asked if I would be bothered if I saw him dancing with other people. That he hadn't before because I didn't dance the. I told him it would bother me. He told me it was hypocritical, since he was okay with me dancing with other people. I said that I knew that, and that my own jealousy was even driving me crazy.
He told me that it wasn't that big of a deal, he loved me anyway (I think he still feels responsible for my being a jealous person). I told him it was a big deal, because it was even driving me batty! That I didn't want to be "the jealous wife" for the rest of our lives. I told him there's a difference between feeling a certain way, and acting on those feelings. That I get jealous very easily, but I'm trying not to do anything when I know it's really no big deal. I just have this obsession with other women, and my own paranoia that they're interested in him. Not the blatant flirters at the bar--the ones who try to get free drinks or whatever. That doesn't work on him. But the kind who seem friendly, but actually have a different agenda. (Hmmm...gee...like what happened during the first sep...I can see exactly where this comes from, not that it helps any. )
So I told him, I was going to work on the jealousy the same way I got over being mad at him. Even though it bothers me, I'm going to choose to act a different way. And, sooner or later, the feelings will follow. It's worked, to a degree, on the jealousy alread--I'm no reacting to the phone calls or even just the mention or roommate the way I used to.
He didn't say much--I could tell he was just digesting all that information.
It was actually a very nice lunch. The majority of the time was very pleasant, the above excerpt was just a few minutes. I always enjoy his company. I wanted to be more close physically, but H used to complain he couldn't walk because I hung on him too much, so I made an effort to not be clingy.
After he dropped me off at work, I gave a quick kiss on the lips. He asked for another. And another. And another. I finally told him I had to go back in!
We made plans to go to the gym together, and actually do a work out together, after I get out of work. I know how bad he's been wanting to do this sort of thing with me, and we've tried in the past. Now I have a great chance to listen to what he has to say, and not get all weird and funny and insecure on him.
)
