Need advice please (2)

[BL42]

Dink,

Just a tip - it would be helpful if you broke your longer posts into paragraph format...makes it easier to read.

I wasnt sitting around waiting to hear from her

Good.

I also knew she was over my sons house as she goes every Tuesday. The call lasted maybe two minutes. I acknowledged and when she said we have to do something I said ok. That was it.

What would happen if instead of answering the phone you let it go to voicemail? Or, even better, you didn't even notice the call because you were out to drinks with friends, at the gym, out for a trail hike, or at a movie theatre?

One thing about her is she is a very needy person, even the week
I was still at the house before going to other house we had a discussion and she was crying saying she doesn’t know why she is so needy.

Don't ease her into the transition, making it easier to D you. It's probably comforting to her to have both OM for excitement and you as a tie to her old life. What if you completely removed that as an option and made her feel what it was like?

I know I did nothing wrong this time over the last five years except probably be to focused on making tthings so easy for her by doing everything because of her many health issues, and probably walking on eggs shells to not rock boat because of all the hurt and pain I caused those 9 years.

It's great you improved things for 5 years. However, 9 years previously is quite a long time. It may have been better to dig deep and work hard on the main issues rather than gloss them over and walk on eggshells. Regardless, you can't change the past. You can only move forward.

She said she came back last time because she seen what it was doing to me and the kids.

Seems believable. I'd believe her.

And maybe her saying to me this time she wanted a divorce and me actually saying ok for the most part, and saying I won’t try to stop you like last time, and finally left and have not for the most part pursued her, or contacted her…yes a couple slip ups here and there. I left and have seen her twice in the last maybe month.

Yes, you moving on might make her think. Don't expect an immediate reversal though. Especially if she's tangled up with OM it's likely going to take a long time if at all.

In doing all that the last five years and I spent so Much more money than I should have On stuff trying to make her happy again, like the lake house and trips etc , which has cause me to have a lot of Credit Card debit.

Talk to you L, but typically it's not YOUR credit card debt. It's on both of you as marital assets, so don't take that on financially.

I spent almost all my time with her , rarely going out, and probably did it out of fear, as we have discussed a lot on these boards.

Read and watch YouTube videos about attraction. Often the guy will give up hobbies and interests to appease a woman but that makes him overbearing and less interesting. Start focusing on yourself. Go out and have fun. Start hobbies and get involved in things. Work out. This will make you more attractive.

We both absolutely love our family life, we do a lot as a family. Our kids always tell us how luckY we are because they want to do stuff with their parents and have fun doing it. They say to us all the time there friends wished they had that type of relationship with their mom and dad as a family.

Losing the sense of the nuclear family is perhaps the #1 fear of folks on this board. I wanted that for me and my kids, and miss it at times, but also had no control over it. It's great you cultivated such a close relationship with your kids. Leverage that to to stay as involved as you can in their lives, regardless of what happens with you and wife.

I turned into a better person overall and really did change for the better in many many ways, she told me she feels like she made me the perfect husband for some else.

This is common thing for WASs to say to LBSs. She's probably being honest. She does recognize you improved but right now thinks she can't FEEL differently about you. Those feelings may change over time.

However in doing so kinda lost a little of myself by really not going out.

This is very common, and also why a big piece of advice is GAL. What are you doing to GAL???

Dink - You have a lot of reflection on your relationship history and your past actions and your W's past concerns, and that's fine - use that to self improve and certainly if you need to use the forum as a medium to vent and "get it all out" - but what we want to hear is what are you doing to grow moving forward? What GAL are you doing? How are you making yourself more attractive and a better life going forward with or without your W?