Great, I just lost all of my typing courtesy of a power outage at work... Ah, well, out of my control, doesn't matter.

So I was the one feeling a little weird last night. Partially because I was still sick. H was being great, though. There's more to it than that, but I'll get to that later...

I called H a couple of times after I got out of work. He didn't answer. I hate feeling ignored--I've seen him purposefully not answer the phone when other people call him, and sometimes I get paranoid he's doing that with me. But I just switched my focus to something else.

I wound up skipping the gym last night since I still felt kind of sick. He came over earlier than I expected, and just let himself in. I was surprised he didn't even call first (I had to go close IE so he wouldn't see the BB!), but that just shows how comfortable he is with me now. So I didn't mind so much.

I asked him if his mom had harrassed him, since I had called her house looking for him (she can get that way sometimes... ). H said he hadn't talked to her, so no, and apologized for missing my call. He was really quick to point out that he had forgotten to turn it off silent, and hadn't heard it. He sounded pretty worried I would be mad. I told him it was no big deal, I was just glad to see him.

We curled up on the couch. I started massaging him. I think he was pretty surprised, since he hadn't even asked, I just did it anyway. He said he had missed it. I asked him if he missed the massage, or the attention from his W. He said both. After some time, he told me to stop, and he started to massage me. We switched back and forth for awhile...it was pretty nice, just to have some time together. I think I've found a pretty good way here to get some time/affection from him without pestering or demanding.

While we were eating, he asked me to get him a drink. Then he mentioned that he knew I was sick and liked to be take care of, and told me that it was okay, he would get it. Progress in that area, then.

I had a chance here to be critical, and I had to fight myself to do it, but I won. H had accidentally left the stove on after he took out the pizza, and I caught it while he was in the shower and turned it off. There was really no point in telling him he forgot. So I made sure not to mention it.

While he was in the shower, roommate called. This really bugged me--I think because he asked me who was calling, so I looked at his caller ID. He said he would just talk to her later, she probably just wanted to know where the remote was at. My little brain got all irritated then--thinking how she was just calling him for something inconsequential, like someone you're involved with does. I was getting pretty worked up, and went to lay down on the couch, when I realized how silly I was being. I didn't even know for sure what she wanted! (But I still don't like her.) When H came out, he asked me if I was okay. I must have looked a little bothered. I said I was just tired, since I was still feeling kind of sick. He must have actually believed me, since he didn't ask about it anymore.

His phone rang a few more times (different people), and he headed out on the balcony to answer. He made a point of telling me that he always did that, for me not to feel bad. I told him it was okay, I knew that. He's been very, very sensitive about not wanting to hurt my feelings lately, and I really appreciate it.

I feel like I'm a pretty grumpy when I am instructing/answering questions. So while H was studying, I asked him if he thought I sound irritated. He told me no. So that's good. I always feel like I am, but I don't want to act that way. What did really get on my nerves is when he doesn't listen to my advice. That's what he asked me for! So he's working out a math problem, and I point out what he wrote down is an improper method, and he gets irritated since he got the right answer anyway. Asked me what it mattered, since they're only looking for the answer. I told him he needs to get in the habit of properly writing stuff down so that it won't mess him up later. So we went round and round about this, until I finally was able to show him that what he wrote down didn't mean what he thought it did. I know he felt criticized, so I was trying not to get too mad like I might have done before. I know it's very hard for him to let me work with him, since he feels so exposed.

After he was done with the GED stuff, we were watching a little TV. He was commenting on how the different women looked on the show, what he thought was attractive about them. This sort of thing never bothered me until our first sep. I used to not even care. But now my little brain starts thinking about what I feel is inadequate about me, and that he must on some level still want to sleep around. He asked if he was bothering me, and I told him I didn't care if he wanted to look, but I don't like hearing it (which is true). After awhile, I mentioned I was feeling kind of funny, and he said it was probably because of what he had been saying, and he apologized. This is a first. He said he hadn't realized how what he was saying could be disrespectful. I was actually floored. He then said he would try to be more careful, that he did like to look, but he only loved me. I was really, really flattered. H had always maintained that he wasn't going to change that part about him for anyone--that he was going to look, and he was going to comment, and he didn't care. Yeah, obviously one of his less-endearing traits. But that made me feel pretty good.

So then he started talking about what clothes or makeup or hair style might make me look better. Asked me if I would wear what so-and-so had on TV. I was a little skeptical of some of it. I don't mind playing dress-up, but I have this thing of wanting to be comfortable (you can look good and still be comfortable!), and I felt like he was trying to change the way I am. But then he said something like "I mean, would you wear that out clubbing." Which would be fine. I just didn't want to dress like that all of the time. Sometimes I feel like he's wanting to sex me up more than I want to. I really don't mind doing some stuff sometimes, but I don't want to change my entire personal sense of taste.

He was asking me if I was willing to get a boob job--said he would pay for it. I was rather obviously crossing my arms over myself, and I told him that it sounded painful, and I didn't need to be any bigger anyway. He told me that maybe just lifting them up would look nice. I told him the idea of being cut there just sounded painful. He told me he had heard it "wasn't that bad." I just shot him a dirty look, said how would he like to be cut "down there."

I must have been obviously retreating, because he followed me across the room. Told me that I had asked for his opinion on how to improve the way I looked, and he was only offering suggestions. And he was right. That made me feel better. I hadn't even thought of that.

Just hearing it made me feel very unattractive, a way I hadn't felt in quite some time. I'm not necessarily sure it was all his fault I felt that way. I think I'm still being too sensitive, because in retrospect, he wasn't really picking apart anything about me. I think he really was trying to be helpful. He's just very straight-forward.

I realized part of the reason I was kind of feeling weird was I had some-what shifted back to my more insecure days. I think because H was there, and we were doing some familiar things, I sort of slipped back into that old rut again without knowing it. And I think that's why I was feeling so funny last night--because I used to feel that way a lot of the time.

I also noticed that I was a little bothered by, well, feeling married again. Which was something I didn't expect. Part of that is because I am afraid of the familiar. Everytime something feels like our old R just a little bit, I get gun shy, and worried about where we're headed. I was really bad about that after the first sep. So I know what that is all about, and I'm not nearly so uptight this time.

The other half of it I didn't expect. I got used to that feeling of freedon. It was like I had the best of both worlds--my own space, no one I had to check in with, I could do my own thing without accounting to anyone...yet, I still had this psuedo-R going on, affection, ILY, and plenty of sex. I didn't have to worry about how my actions affected H because, well, we were seperated! It was like this weight had just vanished. And I didn't want that weight back But I think I can have both, with a little bit of effort. Just gotta wade through on how to do it. Mostly it's in my head. I've just got to let go of a lot of stuff--when I start obsessing, I just intentionally think of something else.

I've noticed our R is different. Things have definately changed. Gotta keep remembering the baby steps, because we're headed in the right direction, even though there are a few things left to resolve yet.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]