H and I are moving forward together

[Nevanna]

Boy, how do you keep up with him? He is all over the place. You really are good.

LOL! Most days aren't like that! He had warned me during the movie he "felt funny," and I could kind of tell that something like that was going to happen. He was either really tired or just feeling very insecure/guilty. I'm guessing tired, since he'd spent the previous night at my place, and he absolutely can't sleep on my bed (too soft, kills his back, and keeps him up). Which means he should be feeling pretty normal today.

From this whole DB process, I've learned a lot about what triggers H's moods/reactions. It's helped me be a lot more understanding, and therefore much less bothered, by him. I also think he's been feeling like this, off and on, for the entire last three months. He told me he cried for three straight days before he asked to come home. In my earlier posts, I explain his prick versus emotionally sensitive sides. I get the prick (and so does anyone else) when he's feeling defensive (which explains his horrible attitude when I moved out--he admits that was a lot of it). I think I'm getting the emotional side now that he's let his guard down, and feels much more comfortable with me again. This is actually closer (although not this extreme ) to what he was like pre-bomb. Very affectionate and sappy.

I do know I have gotten some of my best results DBing when he has been jealous. In fact, H was ready to D until I started going out with friends - suddenly he "cared" again about me.

I can see this with my H. I have never intentionally tried to make him jealous. But there were things that happened that he had a jealous reaction to. It's like he suddenly realized what would really happen if he was completely gone from the picture.

Maybe you shouldn't call him at all for a bit, let him make all the contact. Be a bit unavailable to him.

Did that for two months. No joking. I made maybe a half-dozen logistic calls ("I'm going to the storage unit, do you want to come with me to get your extra checks?") in that time. The rest was entirely up to him. And we were talking three or four times a day, every day, for the last three weeks.

Also, I found that the more pleasant, no-stress, no-conditions contact we had...the more he wanted. So, ironically, the more I was with him, the more time he wanted to spend with me. This, obviously, didn't work in the beginning, but that's the way the last month has been. And I've sort of eased into more and more contact with him as he's asked for more. But I definately made sure to let him set the pace, because there were a few times I pressed too hard, and he backed away quick.

Or are his insecurities that bad that it won't work?

Yup. I was at the gym, then went tanning this past Monday. So he called me a couple of times and I didn't answer. His second vmail sounded really worried that I might be ignoring him. Every time he thinks I'm deliberatly ignoring him, he gets upset/hurt. He's just very, very insecure. Believe it or not, he actually used to be even more insecure when we first started dating. He's actually doing a lot better!

On top of that, H finally came out and told me that he felt emotionally cut off about a year or so ago. I'm trying to repair that unintentional damage, because I think I really hurt him bad. Maybe on the same level that I've experienced.
He told me one time it was the loneliest feeling to reach out to someone, over and over, and be completely shut off. And have that go on for months.

I'm not always available to do things with him, but I'm making sure to be very emotionally available to him, in a way that he understands it. I think we were both wanting the same thing, just speaking completely different languages. So I'm being very careful to make the time, even if I only have 30 seconds when he calls, to let him know I'm there. And I'm making sure to involve myself with him in a way that is going to fill his emotional needs better. He's actually doing the same for me--I think he's beginning to see that physical touch is definately my LL.

And, I think the other thing that is getting to him is the guilt. I think it really eats him up sometimes. He thinks he's done such horrible things, he doesn't deserve another chance with me. And I think I contributed to that after our first sep. H would come to me and tell me how sorry he was then, (so I recognize the pattern here) and I didn't validate him. I had a friend at the time who got it into my head that I deserved to have him begging at my feet for forgiveness every day since he had a brief PA during the sep. I was stuck in this self-righteous attitude. Not productive. So I'm being careful not to repeat that mistake. I think my bad attitude really contributed to the second sep.

Thanks for stopping by. I always can use a different and fresh perspective. I work a lot of stuff out in my writing (thus the tendency toward long posts), so questions are always helpful.

Actually, H just called me. Said he knew I was at work. He's lonely, I can hear it, but not so out-of-control as last night. We only talked for a second because I was busy at work. I can't wait to see him later! Lots of studying for his GED class...I'm one of the only people he is comfortable enough with to do that.