Well, The divorce is final and I guess I kind of feel like this whole thing is done. I'm working through all the payments. I still need to get the support payments done through the county and get the QDRO's done - but everything else has been split.
Dating has continued to be fun, with ups and downs. I guess that is the new norm.
I'm taking my daughter snowboarding, just the two of us this weekend which will be awesome. But that's about all.
BL42 - Dating advice -- Well, funny enough I had dinner with a bachelor friend of mine who had some.
He said he gets half his dates from the "apps" - for less shenanigans focus on bumble and hinge. He said the other half come from being out and about. We're in our 40's and he said after work happy hours are a great place to meet people. Low pressure, fun atmosphere. He said summer concerts, or big events like wine festivals are good. Also big philanthropic parties like the we have one at the Zoo. He said try to get out of your routine so you run into new people. Go to networking events, not to get dates, but to reconnect with people who will invite you places, which is where you might meet someone. No one gets a date on the couch.
I've been on some first dates - its a contact sport. I think you jump in, have fun, and just look to be curious and learn about people. Relax and don't stress. I actually really enjoy it - its always different and fun. ------------------------ In the last two months I've had two clients call me because they are getting divorced. I've also been on dates with divorced women who now have split families. I can't say enough how much I hate divorce. I see it as a plague of sorts and I really don't understand it - but c'est la vie, not my call to make.
I'm proud of all the people here that fight for marriage. I hope they are able to grow as individuals and thereby grow in their marriages.
I just wanted to share a story with you about annulment from a child's perspective. My post-college BF's parents divorced when he was young, and his father pursued and received an annulment through the Catholic Church. It really affected him and his relationship with his father as a young adult. He felt that his father was somehow saying that their family wasn't real, that he and his brother were illegitimate in some way. The annulment was more impactful to him than the divorce itself (in his head-- obviously, the D was the big thing, but a lot of his trauma centered on the annulment). It represented, to him, a level of rejection from his father and he had a difficult time wanting to or trying to be close with his dad because of it.
Just one story, I'm sure there are many others with other perspectives. This just happens to be the only person I know whose parents' marriage was annulled and it really affected him into adulthood. I know you are a great dad and love your children very much, and if I were in your shoes I'd just want to think about the long-term effects of pursuing an annulment on your kids.
Sounds like you have a great weekend in the works. Have fun!
May
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
May - that's really great perspective and something I'll keep in mind and be sensitive to. Both of my kids go to Catholic schools and I'm not sure what they teach on Annulments. I do know that it is taught that if you do not have annulments, the church sees you as still married, and therefore any other relationships you are in are technically adultery, so pick your poison I guess. My brother's wife's mom got an annulment and she got remarried. Her dad had left them and was a degenerate.
I can't say enough how much I hate divorce. I see it as a plague of sorts and I really don't understand it - but c'est la vie, not my call to make.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I'm proud of all the people here that fight for marriage. I hope they are able to grow as individuals and thereby grow in their marriages.
Absolutely, completely, 100% agree with both of these statements. They stood out to me as soon as I read them the other day, but I didn't get around to responding until now.
I firmly believe that in the case of most divorces (obviously exceptions include physical abuse, drug addictions, serial adultery...etc.) that all involved (both the children and adults) would be much better off in the long run if married couple would to dig in and do the hard work to get past their issues and stay together. It creates so much pain and future drama for everyone it's hard to justify the short term relief, but unfortunately like you said it wasn't within our control and so we have to let go.
You're doing the work and will be a better man for it. Keep it up.
Best of luck to all out there working through a sitch...
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I can't say enough how much I hate divorce. I see it as a plague of sorts and I really don't understand it - but c'est la vie, not my call to make.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I'm proud of all the people here that fight for marriage. I hope they are able to grow as individuals and thereby grow in their marriages.
Absolutely, completely, 100% agree with both of these statements. They stood out to me as soon as I read them the other day, but I didn't get around to responding until now.
I firmly believe that in the case of most divorces (obviously exceptions include physical abuse, drug addictions, serial adultery...etc.) that all involved (both the children and adults) would be much better off in the long run if married couple would to dig in and do the hard work to get past their issues and stay together. It creates so much pain and future drama for everyone it's hard to justify the short term relief, but unfortunately like you said it wasn't within our control and so we have to let go.
You're doing the work and will be a better man for it. Keep it up.
Best of luck to all out there working through a sitch...
THIS!
I have often said (sometimes controversially) that D is the easy way out. The WAS/WS jumps to D because it is easier than working on the marriage. I believe it is a coward's way out, and thinking an AP can "make them happy" is also a cowardly, deficiency in thinking. I think Scott's wife is an example of that, as are many WASs/WSs.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
A great book to read to think through some post divorce life purposing is Die With Zero. I just got it from a friend and found it to be provocative and thoughtful.
So 5 weeks ago I took my kids to Park City for a 4 day snowboard trip. I had an awesome time with them. We got back and went to our local hill the next weekend and my daughter had improved ridiculously from being out west. I decided I really wanted to go back and though it was a little expensive I decided to just do it.
So I asked my ex if I could take my daughter back to Utah, which was using her time and taking her out of school for one day - she reluctantly said ok.
So I got to spend three days skiing Solitude, Brighton, and Snowbird with just myself and my little girl. It was unbelievable and something she will remember forever.
I did have to ask my ex if I could take her but besides that there was no judgement related to how I was spending my time or money. No one questioned how I handled meals or packing up. My rule is if you forget it, buy it. We had the most amazing time.
Strong reco on the book Die with Zero from Bill Perkins. Very interesting read. Peace Folks!
So its been a minute and I thought I would say hello.
I did something that was incredible for me, and I'd encourage anyone who hasn't done this to give it a try.
After I went snowboarding with my daughter, I signed up for alerts when big snow fell out west. Leading up to the Easter weekend I started getting emails. I didn't have the kids and I wanted to go, but I couldn't find anyone to go with me. I had the option of going to my parents house in FL for the Easter weekend so that I wouldn't be alone but I didn't want to go. I also had the obvious option of staying home and trying to just experience being lonely and learning to live in that space - but I really wanted to go west.
So On the Thursday before Easter I got a little push from a friend and I said F it. I booked a flight for Friday and went out.
It was the most fun I've had in years. As soon as I got there I knew I had made a great decision. I felt empowered. When I woke up Saturday I was thrilled as I walked to get my coffee and then sat and read a book. I drove up to the mountains with my music blaring the whole way. I snowboarded from open to close. I got back to my hotel and met some people in the hot tub. I went to dinner alone, sat at a bar and got hit on - which is fun. And then made the good decision to go home at 10p, instead of going to the next bar with the ladies.
Sunday I got up and went to church and repeated the day. I had a ball snowboarding, they had gotten 12 inches of snow over night. When I would go up the chairlift I would try to make friends and then I would snowboard with them until I wanted to do something different.
They would show me paths I didn't know about that made it more fun. I tackled some hard and fun terrain until I got exhausted and had to be done. Sunday night I used Bumble to set up a date and had dinner with an incredible woman I'm still talking too. Who knows what will happen with that but she invited me to Mexico in a month and I bought my ticket for that. On the Monday after Easter I had my last day snowboarding and it was a great day too.
One of the greatest most empowering trips of my life. I now know that I can travel alone and have an incredible time.
I got back from my trip and bought an Ikon ski pass for next season so that I can get more days in. And I'm working to set up a trip to Chile this summer to go snowboarding. A friend said he wants to go to, but I'd be fine going alone.
Now all that might sound great, but life is never all sunshine and rainbows. Back in reality work piles up and so do kids activities and I hate interacting with my ex. She has this guy that she has some kind of relationship with and she is brining him around the kids and has him texting my son which I find to be outrageously strange and inappropriate. I raised this issue to her and I almost think she liked the fact it bothered me because it feels like the behavior has increased.
So I'll work through that and find a way to make peace with it. But overall things continue to move in the right direction.
Great update. You've learned how to be happy by yourself, a very valuable skill!!
And you are out meeting new people, that is awesome.
As far as the stuff with the ex, work in progress. I've never met a divorced person whose relationship with their ex was perfect. Just always try to do what is right by your kids, try to be the bigger person, and make the best of it. But you've got this!
Thanks for an awesome update.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
One of the greatest most empowering trips of my life. I now know that I can travel alone and have an incredible time.
Meant to reply sooner, but wanted to say your latest post about the solo trip out West was inspirational and it put a massive smile on my face. Loved the blaring music, sliding down the mountain all day, dinners, reading, church, hot tubs, making friends, getting hit on...etc. Hope the Mexico trip with the lady works out. If not, you'll have a fun going alone!
So glad things are moving in the right direction for you.
Not sure how I feel about breaking the anonymity of this site, but I'd be tempted to join you on the Chilean mountains this Summer (though on skis to your board). Sounds like a blast.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Hi Scott, Welcome to the other side.
Haha, well said R2C!
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I booked my trip to Chile in August with a friend of mine. It kind of stinks because both flights are red eyes, but its the only way to get there. I also said screw it and flew to Utah this past weekend to go on a date and spend two days at Snowbird spring skiing in short sleeves. That was fun and a wild party.
And this time I asked for the Jeep Wrangler so that I could take the top off as I drove up to the mountains. It didn't suck. On my way down I drove by the rushing mountain stream and decided to take a plunge - it felt good.
I posted a picture on FB of some of my snowboarding and a random person said "You Look so happy!"
Kind of funny. I got my passport today so Chile is locked and loaded, Mexico is on the rocks because the girl and I aren't sure about things - but that's cool, we'll see.
Today I also printed out a calendar for the next 15 months and plan to work through it with the kids to figure out what we're going to do together. I have incredible pictures and memories with them over the past 15 months. My son is 14 and starting HS, I know this time will go fast, so I want to make the most of it!
Strong book recommendation: Die With Zero by Bill Perkins. It a book that really has me thinking about how to get the most out of my new life.
I was nervous about being lonely going into Memorial Day weekend, because I didn't have anything planned and I didn't have my kids for 6 days. I'm also not seeing anyone.
But I went climbing indoors and then booked a date for friday at the last minute, the date was a bust - just not a fit. I then met up with my cousin afterwards to have a beer. Saturday I went to two baseball games my son played in, worked out, and then played my guitar, read a book, went to a steakhouse on my own, andt I bought a second kayak.
Sunday I went to church, and then went to brunch and randomly sat down at the bar next to a guy I was friends with 20 years ago - had a great time catching up. Then i worked out, kayaked for three hours, road my bike for 40 minutes, and went to dinner at my parents house with my brother's family and an aunt and uncle.
Then Monday I did some chores and got my kids back. On Monday, before I got them I looked back and was surprised at how much I had enjoyed myself.
But it is interesting how on the day to day I do have this desire to be with someone else. Maybe that's natural - I enjoy my time alone, and I have some cool stuff going on, but I am interested in the idea of having a companion.
Anyhow, I've got some incredible things planned coming up. In July I'm heading to Bermuda, then two weeks later I'm heading to Seneca Rocks in WV to go climbing, and two weeks after that I head to Chile.
I'm not sure if its normal with where I'm at in recovering from the divorce or not, but I feel an odd urgency to get out and go do incredible things I haven't been able to do. Literally if a weekend goes by and I don't have the kids and I have nothing amazing planned it feels like a waste. I'm not sure if that is me trying to avoid life or my trying to live life; maybe a little of both.
All and all I am making pretty darn good use of my freedom. I've also had some interesting conversations with my married friends about said freedom. In the single life I have all the freedom, but I also have to find peace with the fact that sometimes I'm lonely. In the married life, I was never really lonely, but I also didn't have freedom - and neither do my married friends. Its interesting. Anyhow, I like to pop on once in a while to say hi.
One issue I have to deal with in regards to my ex is that she seems to be getting some digs in related to me not spending money on the kids to the kids. My daughter kind of brought it up the other day. I send my ex a little over $3k per month for her and the kids and she has a good job on top of that. I think I'm going to sit the kids down this weekend to let them know that I pay child support as well as 70% of all their expenses. I didn't want to do that, but some things that are happening need to be explained.
went to a steakhouse on my own, and I bought a second kayak.
Must be an amazing steak house if they sell kayaks....lol
Originally Posted by ScottB
But it is interesting how on the day to day I do have this desire to be with someone else.... but I am interested in the idea of having a companion. .... but I feel an odd urgency to get out and go do incredible things I haven't been able to do. ...
Just keep doing the things you enjoy...that is how you find the right lady for you...she will enjoy the same things and your paths will cross. Then you can enjoy an amazing journey together.
Originally Posted by ScottB
One issue I have to deal with in regards to my ex is that she seems to be getting some digs in related to me not spending money on the kids to the kids. My daughter kind of brought it up the other day. I send my ex a little over $3k per month for her and the kids and she has a good job on top of that. I think I'm going to sit the kids down this weekend to let them know that I pay child support as well as 70% of all their expenses. I didn't want to do that, but some things that are happening need to be explained..
Sounds familiar. I had to do that at one point as well. I was the one giving the kids allowances and telling them to save their money and spend it wisely. I always told them they were lucky that mom was overspending on them and they should appreciate it.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I believe in an adage: speak to kids about kid things, and adults about adult things. I personally would deal with this with your ex. At a drop off or pick up: "By the way, D said you said X. I would point out that my support is $3k and cover 70% of the kids expenses. I do not think it is fair for you to make comments about money to the kids. If you have a problem with anything address it directly with me and keep the kids out of the middle of it."
The kids know more than you imagine they do. These things have a way of being overheard.
That is just my opinion, but I do not think it would be wise to address with the kids.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Loving your updates lately - you're certainly GAL'ing like a madman, and it's inspiring.
Sounds like you made the most of the Holiday weekend and your upcoming vacations should be a blast.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I've also had some interesting conversations with my married friends about said freedom. In the single life I have all the freedom, but I also have to find peace with the fact that sometimes I'm lonely. In the married life, I was never really lonely, but I also didn't have freedom - and neither do my married friends. Its interesting.
There are pros and cons to anything in life, and certainly folks envious of others' situations, no matter which side of the fence they fall. I guess it goes to show you just have to make the most of the situations life deals you and enjoy it regardless. Enjoy the freedom now, and deal with the relationship when that comes.
Ideally you'll find a partner who values both togetherness and freedom so you don't have to choose one or the other. I caught up with a coworker just yesterday who was saying that her she and her fiancée like to do things together but he also doesn't mind her going off if he's not interested in something and she enjoys that freedom - sounds like they have a good balance.
Originally Posted by ScottB
One issue I have to deal with in regards to my ex is that she seems to be getting some digs in related to me not spending money on the kids to the kids. My daughter kind of brought it up the other day. I send my ex a little over $3k per month for her and the kids and she has a good job on top of that. I think I'm going to sit the kids down this weekend to let them know that I pay child support as well as 70% of all their expenses. I didn't want to do that, but some things that are happening need to be explained.
Your kids are older, right? Teens? I think an honest, frank discussion is fair if your Ex is sowing seeds in their mind. Lay out the facts without bias or digs the other way, to show them you're doing your fair share financially.
I like SteveLW's approach - if you think you can have an honest conversation with ExW and trust her to stop - but that might be asking a lot in your situation, so you may need to go R2C's route to get the full story out there.
My kids are too young now, but I keep a spreadsheet/accounting of my child support costs for a variety of reasons, one of which includes the potential (if needed) to have that discussion when they're older.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I believe in an adage: speak to kids about kid things, and adults about adult things. I personally would deal with this with your ex. At a drop off or pick up: "By the way, D said you said X. I would point out that my support is $3k and cover 70% of the kids expenses. I do not think it is fair for you to make comments about money to the kids. If you have a problem with anything address it directly with me and keep the kids out of the middle of it."
Definitely good advise. Hopefully you are dealing with a more reasonable person than my X.
Divorce Poison is a good read if she keeps up the BS.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I'm with Steve in that I resisted the urge to argue custody %, $$$, fairness etc with my kids. I explained it like so--"Mommy and Daddy went to a judge to help us figure out what was fair, and we both agreed to this."
Well, I shared nothing with the kids. I just got over it for now.
The divorced life is interesting. Definitely ups and downs with the trials of being a single parent. And its worse than that as the values of my Ex more obviously than ever before don't line up with my own.
For example, she bought my 14 year old son a Corona tank top. I just think that 14 year olds shouldn't be sponsoring beers on their clothing, call me old fashioned. I just think it promotes and sends the wrong kind of message to the child as well as peers and other parents.
Then (and this blew my mind) she bought him a pair of underwear from PSD (Pants Saggin Designz). He wanted the ones that had a huge magnum condom on them and I had said no. He thought it was funny and said he would pay for them. I said that it wasn't appropriate. So got him PSD's that have stoned banana's on them. I couldn't even believe it. I mean if it wasn't my kid I would think it was funny, and the cartoon of the stoned banana is funny - but my kid shouldn't own underwear with baked/stoned banana's all over them! What are we doing?!? The design is literally called Banana Spliff - spliff is a term for a joint. Again, he is 14.
I decided to send her an email to call these things out. I know kids at that age are watching stuff that has drinking, sex, and drugs in it. And I know their music has this stuff in it. But I feel like parents buying these kinds of things promotes this kind of activity.
Between this and the pubic hair trimmer she bought him for Christmas (the lawn mower 4.0 - he was 13 at the time)- literally on the birthday of Jesus, I just don't know what to do with my Ex. It makes me feel sick. I mean with the pubic hair trimmer, he doesn't even have pubes - not to mention he has no need to groom himself, no one should be down there!!!!!
And throw all of this in with the normal challenges of being a single parent, especially during summer vacation; and the normal challenges of trying to raise a 14 year old boy who is exploring his boundaries (and don't forget I have an 11 year old daughter and a job to do and the house to take care; I'm struggling with it all - feeling really overwhelmed and frustrated).
I hear you. It is absolutely frustrating to see immoral behaviors modeled and poor values enabled. To some extent it's a parenting struggle even while in a marriage with trust and mutual respect, but the problems are certainly magnified in divorce where the children can "divide and conquer". Though my kids are young, I can imagine similar issues on the horizon. Not sure what advice I can give other than unfortunately - like so much of our situations - it's simply out of our control; we have to model behaviors and enforce our values when we can and let go when we can't.
Sorry you're struggling and feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. It is a lot doing the single parent thing plus career and home. So many of us can related. Hang in there. Do the best you can and give yourself a pass on the rest. This too shall pass.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
It is absolutely frustrating to see immoral behaviors modeled and poor values enabled.
Yo B come on now other than the "wasted banana" I think Scotty is over doing it.
Originally Posted by BL42
To some extent it's a parenting struggle even while in a marriage with trust and mutual respect, but the problems are certainly magnified in divorce where the children can "divide and conquer".
Scotty B was married to this woman for 20 years and was fine wither her moral fiber than. Do you think it changed that much?
Scott, I have no answers for you. But I empathize with you. Our kids grow up so fast and are sexualized younger and younger these days. I am with you on the old-fashioned front....and there ain't anything wrong with being old-fashioned!
Unfortunately, again, I think it is out of your control. Likely she is feeling guilty at ruining the kids lives (not really true but many WASs end up with that guilt), and now she is trying to be buddies with them. I mean, these are not decisions a mother would normally make for her son. In fact, in most cases it is the dad doing things like this and the mom being upset by it. So clearly her judgement is being skewed by her desire to be liked, rather than be a respected parent.
I said unfortunately above because I think you have to live with it. This falls outside of your realm of control. Maybe ask your son not to wear the corona shirt in your presence and when he is with you (during your custody). But that is about it.
I am guess your email went (or will) go over like a lead balloon. You made your position known, but I highly doubt she will honor your wishes. Maybe you will be pleasantly surprised. Likely she will use it as a way to drive a wedge and make herself look better.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It is absolutely frustrating to see immoral behaviors modeled and poor values enabled.
Yo B come on now other than the "wasted banana" I think Scotty is over doing it.
I don't know. I wouldn't want my 13yo wearing shirts with beer, pot, or condoms on them, or gifted a manscaping trimmer. Overall the loss of control of the morals and values for your kids is a tough pill to swallow. But, like so much, it's something we have to let go.
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by BL42
To some extent it's a parenting struggle even while in a marriage with trust and mutual respect, but the problems are certainly magnified in divorce where the children can "divide and conquer".
Scotty B was married to this woman for 20 years and was fine wither her moral fiber than. Do you think it changed that much?
That I can't answer. My kids were 4 & 1 when ExW left, so I didn't see much about her character or values as a mother, but we did disagree on nutrition and screen time. Doesn't seem like my ExW turned on a dime parenting-wise. If ScottB has 20 years together / 14 as mother, he'd know the difference.
SteveLW,
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Scott, I have no answers for you. But I empathize with you. Our kids grow up so fast and are sexualized younger and younger these days. I am with you on the old-fashioned front....and there ain't anything wrong with being old-fashioned!
Agreed. Maybe I'm too old-fashioned even at my relatively "young" age.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Unfortunately, again, I think it is out of your control. Likely she is feeling guilty at ruining the kids lives (not really true but many WASs end up with that guilt), and now she is trying to be buddies with them.
Yep. You would not believe the number of stuffed animals my ExW has bought for the kids in the last two years. It's past the point of ridiculousness where we literally have moving boxes of them in the basement. My guess is there's some guilt over the kids situation behind those purchases. Analogous to the "cool" alcohol/pot/condom shirts - being a friend and assuaging guilt vs. hard parental stand.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
I am guess your email went (or will) go over like a lead balloon. You made your position known, but I highly doubt she will honor your wishes. Maybe you will be pleasantly surprised. Likely she will use it as a way to drive a wedge and make herself look better.
I agree the email will likely go over like a lead balloon but also don't think it's wrong to send - if you're standing up for what you believe is right for your children I think it's fair as a father to weigh in, just know you ultimately can't control it.
Last edited by BL42; 06/21/2204:37 PM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I am with you on the old-fashioned front....and there ain't anything wrong with being old-fashioned!
IMO you really better be careful with "old-fashioned" mantra because your kids will rebel at some point. You don't believe me the band Def Leppard wrote in their memoirs that the ladies in Salt Lake City were the best to bring back stage.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
I mean, these are not decisions a mother would normally make for her son. In fact, in most cases it is the dad doing things like this and the mom being upset by it.
This sounds sexist to me in so many different ways.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
So clearly her judgement is being skewed by her desire to be liked, rather than be a respected parent.
Or maybe she doesn't think a carona T-shirt, spleefed banana underwear and a pube trimmer are that big of a deal.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Maybe ask your son not to wear the corona shirt in your presence and when he is with you (during your custody).
Or instead of trying to shame him, use it as an opportunity to have a discussion with him about alcohol and the dangers of drinking and driving etc.
I have a 14 year old daughter, almost 15. Due to her father’s side of the family’s genes, my daughter has been hairy since a young age. She has felt comfortable coming to me to properly groom and trim and I made sure she did that without shame. It makes her feel better and more comfortable and it’s not for anyone else.
Is it possible your son asked for that trimmer from his mom ? And that he went to her rather than You because your reaction would be “you don’t need it and no one is seeing anything down there anyways” and he might feel a bit shamed?
My ex and I have different ideas on certain things my daughter can wear. We both have rules and boundaries. And his can be kind of ridiculous sometimes ) daughter wanted a shirt that tied on the back but covered her whole front. I allowed it and she wears it with me . Not her dad because he said no.
Strange underwear for sure. But luckily they are “under” clothes. I don’t think anything is immoral here, just a little different .
How is your sons behavior ? That’s the biggest thing to focus on. Are his grades good? Does he drink, so drugs, stay out late, lie , treat women poorly? Is he a good kid? Are his friends good kids?
My son is pushing his limits on a regular basis. I asked him about the pube trimmer. He said him, my daughter, and my Ex were watching shark tank when it came on and he made a joke that he wanted it. He said he was surprised that mom got it for him. In isolation I can take one thing she does and justify it, but when I add it all up it begins to be a lot. Anyhow, I've moved on from that for now and I would say there is a current peace with the ex.
All our accounts have been split except for one old pension that I'm not going to deal with (I worked to split all the accounts and she did not help at all). Her attorney was supposed to provide the QDRO for the pension and hasn't.
I've got all the payments for child support, spousal support, and a loan I owe her set up to be automated - so though I'm aware of all of it, I'm not actually paying them actively.
I'm still angry about all of it, even though I think I'm happier, freer, and have better relationships with the kids. I've done a lot of work over the past two years on connecting with my feelings and though I'd like to move past it (and I continue to work on it), I just feel angry. I assume that will continue for some time.
Things are just harder being divorced - not having a division of labor.
Other than that, I continue to enjoy my freedom. I took the kids on a vacation to Bermuda, which was a lot of fun. And I have some other things coming up.
I'm still trying to figure out how to balance work and kids and my own social life. That is definitely harder, and I know this is an area where most single parents struggle. I'm still trying to figure out how to find success in the area of balance - but that's hard.
Anyhow, it'd been a while. Thought I'd say hello. Kids are doing really good. I'm doing good - just struggling with balance.
I've moved on from that for now and I would say there is a current peace with the ex.
Good. It's probably going to come and go for some time, and even if you were married you'd have disagreements about raising the kids (though admittedly more challenging divorced).
Originally Posted by ScottB
I've got all the payments for child support, spousal support, and a loan I owe her set up to be automated - so though I'm aware of all of it, I'm not actually paying them actively.
How did you automate it? That's been on my list - hate the hassle of writing / exchanging checks each month - but hasn't bubbled up to the top of my priorities yet.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I'm still angry about all of it, even though I think I'm happier, freer, and have better relationships with the kids. I've done a lot of work over the past two years on connecting with my feelings and though I'd like to move past it (and I continue to work on it), I just feel angry. I assume that will continue for some time.
Yeah. I hear you. A lot of anger to process for sure.
I got an email this week from ExW about a medical issue for my son and she referred to a man and his ExW who had a kid in my son's class and had experience with the doctor. I know (and assume my ExW does) that this guy had an affair, got his AP pregnant, and divorced his W, and had to leave the hospital and go to the other medical provider...just like my ExW did!!! What a jerk. Even though the email was related medical referrals, not relationships, it got my anger bubbling she would bring up this guy's name. Gotta let go...
Originally Posted by ScottB
Things are just harder being divorced - not having a division of labor.
I hear you. Still a lawn to mow, a house to clean, and grocery shopping to do. Feels like we're doing it all now. My cleaners came earlier today though and the house looks/smells great, so that's a nice feeling.
Originally Posted by ScottB
Other than that, I continue to enjoy my freedom. I took the kids on a vacation to Bermuda, which was a lot of fun.
Awesome! You're making such great memories with them. They'll appreciate it. Keep it up, dad :-)
Originally Posted by ScottB
I'm still trying to figure out how to balance work and kids and my own social life. That is definitely harder, and I know this is an area where most single parents struggle. I'm still trying to figure out how to find success in the area of balance - but that's hard.
Agreed. Tough making the kids a priority, still focusing on work, and trying to set up social life in-between. Wish I had an answer. Sounds like the trips you've lined up are fantastic though.
Keep it up ScottB! You're making progress!
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
My son is pushing his limits on a regular basis. I asked him about the pube trimmer. He said him, my daughter, and my Ex were watching shark tank when it came on and he made a joke that he wanted it. He said he was surprised that mom got it for him. In isolation I can take one thing she does and justify it, but when I add it all up it begins to be a lot. Anyhow, I've moved on from that for now and I would say there is a current peace with the ex.
All our accounts have been split except for one old pension that I'm not going to deal with (I worked to split all the accounts and she did not help at all). Her attorney was supposed to provide the QDRO for the pension and hasn't.
I've got all the payments for child support, spousal support, and a loan I owe her set up to be automated - so though I'm aware of all of it, I'm not actually paying them actively.
I'm still angry about all of it, even though I think I'm happier, freer, and have better relationships with the kids. I've done a lot of work over the past two years on connecting with my feelings and though I'd like to move past it (and I continue to work on it), I just feel angry. I assume that will continue for some time.
Things are just harder being divorced - not having a division of labor.
Other than that, I continue to enjoy my freedom. I took the kids on a vacation to Bermuda, which was a lot of fun. And I have some other things coming up.
I'm still trying to figure out how to balance work and kids and my own social life. That is definitely harder, and I know this is an area where most single parents struggle. I'm still trying to figure out how to find success in the area of balance - but that's hard.
Anyhow, it'd been a while. Thought I'd say hello. Kids are doing really good. I'm doing good - just struggling with balance.
Hey Scott. Good update. Appreciate the candidness on your feelings looking back with some anger. I think that is normal. Obviously, I have never been through it, but I have had plenty of people close to me and I think there is usually a bit of anger and bitterness that the LBS feels. Especially because in a lot of cases they were going along thinking everything was fine then got hit out of the blue with a divorce bomb drop or their WAS being unfaithful. I've been on record before here that a really good friend that suffered from type 1 diabetes passed away 2 years after finding out his wife was cheating and leaving him for the AP. The stress and anguish caused his diabetes to go out of control and he slipped into a diabetic coma and passed away. I still miss him every day. So anyone that tries to tell me that D isn't full of stress is full of it.
I've also gone on record as saying that R isn't a bed of roses either. The work and effort it took to get back to a level of trust and togetherness was long and arduous. It certainly was not all unicorns and rainbows. And I've even struggled with looking back and times and wondering if saving it was the right choice, or whether I should have just pulled the ripcord myself. After the initial shock and panic, and the struggling with the loss of feeling in control over my life, I had started to get used to the idea of Ding and having that freedom that you speak of. Now, 4 years on that feeling is mostly gone, but that first couple of years there were a lot of times I almost regretted having fought so hard to save things. I documented my struggles with that in my threads.
The goodness is that you have a level head on your shoulders and continue to do things the right way. And you have your faith to lean on too! You've got this, and with the passage of more time I think you will get to a place where you are ready to move on with someone new. I think you will find someone that is worthy of your love and respect, and your EX will be full of regrets about letting you get away.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Its been a minute. Starting to look like this is my "monthly" post.
Since I last wrote things have been eventful in life. I went to Seneca Rocks, WV and went rock climbing - multi-pitch, trad climbing for those out there that are in the know.
It was amazing and terrifying. Words can't really describe it. After we climbed it I was told that east of the Rockies its one of the most famous places to climb because of how sheer it is and the fact it can turn even seasoned climbers to mush.
Anyhow my buddy and I swam in the local river, jumped off rocks into the waters, camped out and climbed. It was awesome.
When I got back I bought a hammock tent and I've stayed out in the woods three nights since. One night I kayaked down a local river at 8pm until it was completely dark and then I pulled up into a random nature reserve to stay the night and finished my run the next morning. Another day I drove to Grayson Lake in KY to explore "Grotto Falls" which was incredible and stayed the night in the hammock. Really some awesome experiences.
And then last week I flew down to Chile to do snowboarding for a week with another friend of mine.
When I got back I wrote in my journal that this has been one wild and blessed year. After I wrote that line I realized that my divorce was final in February and I sat and though about the dichotomy of my feelings of blessings on the year when it also represents the year I got divorced - just interesting.
Last night I went to my daughters volleyball game and my ex sat next to me. I felt unsettled and oddly repulsion. She shared with me that she got into a big argument with one of her "friends", a friend that had supported the divorce funny enough - so I guess they are no longer friends. She also complained about the fact that she has been buying my son a lot of clothes and she doesn't feel as though I'm holding up my end by buying him clothes - I didn't dive into that one, but I was really tempted to bring up the $3300 per month I give her in support, $2k of which is child support - but whatever.
Hearing her talk about non-sense, complain about different things, and talk about her former friend made me wonder for the first time how I dealt with her for 15 years. Such a turnabout.
I still do miss being a family. And I do miss having a partner, but suddenly I am living an adventure. And I have freedom to explore the world as well as my own soul. Time to read and write and think and pray.
The kids are doing well. Some days I do get a little tired and wonder if I can keep doing it all myself - making the dinners, doing all the shopping, taking care of the house; but I am so freaking blessed that I feel guilty.
At the moment I'm laying out my snowboarding trips for 2023. Squaw Valley, Big Sky, Jackson Hole, Snow Basin and some other Utah resorts. I feel like I don't have the time to do all the incredible living I want to do. Its a blistering, mindblowing turn of events - living a life I never dreamed and never wanted. I'm finding and making my peace in it, or better yet taking advantage of it.
Scott, in the future try to arrive after her so you can sit by yourself. Nobody needs that kind of stress. I probably would have been pretty direct with her. When she started talking about the argument with the friend, I probably would have stopped her and said: "What, are we girlfriends here?" (I love that line by Denis Leary from The Ref!)
Now that the divorce is final, and everything is settled, I would let it be known that I am not interested in discussions outside of coparenting. And I would bring up the support next time she complains about buying clothes for the kids.
Love this update. You are knocking it out of the park, Scott!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
multi-pitch, trad climbing for those out there that are in the know.
It was amazing and terrifying.
In my younger years I did a little bit of simple top-roped climbing (and once climbed Mt Whitney with an ice ax and crampons). But my exH did a fair amount of mountaineering and we used to read climbing books and the annual Mountaineering accidents report book. So I understand the terrifying part!!!
Scott, it's great to hear about your kayaking and climbing adventures. I'm a kayaker and mountaineer at heart so can totally relate. Glad you're living your adventure!
Flying or driving far especially solo can be pricy, but if you or anyone else reading are looking for budget-friendly ways to enjoy nearby outdoor pursuits for GAL like kayaking, climbing, camping, backpacking, hiking etc. please let Scott or I know for ideas!
The Great Outdoors is not only for the wealthy. Tents let me stay for $15-$30/night (including a hot shower) at places where others are paying $150-$300/night. I'm also not above sleeping in a car for a few hours for free to make a trip happen that otherwise wouldn't!
Love this update. You are knocking it out of the park, Scott!
Yes! Scott's GAL update is reminding me the only thing keeping me from upgrading my cardio with a jog or hike with my son just now, is this chair my behind is currently planted in. Off to do my own GAL!
The tent hammock I bought was $260 but now all I need are two trees to stay the night outdoors. And my kayak was $400 used.
When I kayak I put my bike where I plan to get out and then drive to the top and kayak down to my bike; then I ride back to my car and then go back to get the kayak. All and all it makes for a fun couple of hours.
Climbing can be cheap too once you know what you are doing, you just need a friend to belay you.
But the snowboarding is expensive, no way really around that. And yes Money does buy GAL. But the fact I used to have to travel with 4 and now I travel with 1 is kind of a game changer, for better or worse.
Nothing wrong with having money! Especially when you remember to use a portion of î to help others. I'm a Dave Ramsey fan, being financially secure means I can help others. Plus the tax write off for charitable giving is nice!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
No one know said there was anything wrong with having money. It just makes life easier and provides for the best GAL . As long as what you do to make that money also provides you with the adequate time to do so, which Scott is very fortunate to have .
I work with a doctor who never takes a day off. Lots of money, no time to enjoy it.
ScottB - Crushing it in the GAL department, as always. Love hearing about your adventures...keep it up!
Originally Posted by ScottB
I still do miss being a family. And I do miss having a partner, but suddenly I am living an adventure. And I have freedom to explore the world as well as my own soul. Time to read and write and think and pray.
^This comment really resonated. I'm on vacation with my kids and see almost everyone else partnered up in a family unit and miss that. But like you said you're making the most of the situation you were dealt and making it an adventure despite it.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I haven't been up to much recently. I did get up at 5:20a today to go fishing before work, but it was more like casting practice. haha.
I'm excited this weekend as I'm getting a lesson on how to belay and I'm taking my son. I'm hoping to buy a rope and get into sport climbing very soon. If I can belay and so can he, that really opens up some outdoor climbing for the two of us. Stay tuned.
Enjoy, Scott! For those not into rock climbing, the belayer holds the rope so the climber doesn't fall. Body weight and tools mean his son doesn't actually have to lift Scott!
Hey ScottB - Just read Die with Zero, on your recommendation. Interesting concepts...definitely gave me some things to think about. Hope you're continuing those adventures!
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
BL42 - I hope you found it impactful. I have found the ideas to help propel me thoughtfully forward in the pursuit of a life well lived. --------------------- I'm coming up on two years since my ex moved out. I'm definitely not sad anymore. I still harbor some anger and resentment and disgust and confusion around all of it.
I would say that generally, day in and day out I'm very happy. I'm busy - a little more than I would like. Kids sports has been a lot. Work is busy. I didn't get to kayak as much as I would have liked this summer, but I did snowboard in Chile and went to Bermuda as well as some incredible rock climbing in WV. I can't wait for winter - I plan to snowboard all over the western US.
I'm dating a woman who was divorced last year June who is just incredible. Who knows where it leads and I don't have any expectations but it feels incredibly good to be in a relationship with a smart, strong, sexy, woman who supports me.
Today she sent me a note prior to a meeting that said "You are going to crush this meeting. Just be you. People love you." I've never gotten a text like that in my life. Its a small thing but incredible at the same time. ------------------------- I've been thinking lately about the unconditionality of marriage. It feels like the person who really believes marriage is for life can really be taken advantage of with little to no recourse based on their values. I love the idea of marriage for life and of commitment through thick and thin; but I see people get abused and it makes me wonder if maybe the right way through is actually to stand up and demand respect for ourselves.
At some point I think we might consider a different way forward.
If you want to speak to me that way I will leave you. If you cheat on me, I am gone. If you get addicted to drugs or alcohol or gambling and you decide its more important than us, then good luck.
I love, admire, and respect those that work so hard (like I did) to save their marriages and I wish I could pull them aside, look them in the eye and let them know, whatever happens You're going to be Okay. And probably better than Okay.
I'm coming up on two years since my ex moved out. I'm definitely not sad anymore.
That's great! Just know that doesn't mean the sadness is gone forever.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I still harbor some anger and resentment and disgust and confusion around all of it.
Yeah this may stay with you forever.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I'm dating a woman who was divorced last year June who is just incredible. Who knows where it leads and I don't have any expectations but it feels incredibly good to be in a relationship with a smart, strong, sexy, woman who supports me.
It's a great feeling to be wanted, valued and respected isn't it?
Originally Posted by ScottB
Today she sent me a note prior to a meeting that said "You are going to crush this meeting. Just be you. People love you."
It's a beautiful thing isn't it?
Originally Posted by ScottB
I've never gotten a text like that in my life.
Nah. You have from your EXW but it's probably been so long you don't remember.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I've been thinking lately about the unconditionality of marriage. It feels like the person who really believes marriage is for life can really be taken advantage of with little to no recourse based on their values.
Scotty B my best guess is that the fact you thought your marriage was unconditional probably is part of what got you here.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I love the idea of marriage for life and of commitment through thick and thin; but I see people get abused and it makes me wonder if maybe the right way through is actually to stand up and demand respect for ourselves.
Do you think it's possible your exw might be thinking the same exact thing?
Originally Posted by ScottB
At some point I think we might consider a different way forward.
100%. The institution of marriage is antiquated and is not made for the 21st century.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I love, admire, and respect those that work so hard (like I did) to save their marriages and I wish I could pull them aside, look them in the eye and let them know, whatever happens You're going to be Okay. And probably better than Okay.
Why don't you stop by more often and tell the newbies yourself?
Kind of wild to think the last time I post it was in September.
The anniversary of my divorce coming up this week. I can be a little bit sentimental about dates, and I’m not sure how I feel about this one yet.
I am doing really really good. I don’t long for my ex-wife at all. I feel so blessed and fortunate that she left, to be honest. Literally, every part of my life is better. And as I looked at the future, I see a better future than I would’ve had also.
I’m sure between here and there I’ll have moments that will be tough, but I’ll never look back with regrets and I think in my heart of hearts I’ll always recognize this. Divorce was actually the best outcome for me.
I feel harbor, some anger and resentment, and I don’t think that will ever completely go away, but we’ll see in time
I can’t seem to be doing really well, which is good. Because of the divorce I’ve had the freedom to take them on some unbelievable adventures that we would not have gotten to do otherwise.
And I’ve gotten to go on some unbelievable adventures that I would not have gotten to do otherwise, I’m dating someone and we’ve gone on a couple of trips together which event incredible.
Are all of those people here that are fighting for their marriage, keep up the good fight, but don’t let them abuse you or walk all over you; work to keep or regain your self-respect. Do the work, and learning about yourself, improving yourself, because, regardless of where things go, do you want to come out of this better for you.
Just happened by. I need to look something up from the past and this has kept a nice record of it.
Let's see I began fighting the divorce threats in 2016 I think. My ex moved out in 11/2020 and the divorce was final in 2/2022. Its been 1.5 years since and I have no interest in going back. I stayed for my family, not for my ex.
Kids continue to do well, but co-parenting is hard. We seem to have different values and different approaches as to how to deal with the kids - that shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. I've been dating a woman now for a year. That's going well and we've had lots of fun adventures.
I don't see marriage in our near future because we both have kids and she lives about 90 miles away. Its been nice though.
Scott, I just caught up on your story. I went through this once 9 years ago (hence why my profile is 9 years old), and am now unfortunately going through it again. Your story is inspirational. Man you had a long journey. Congrats on all of the progress. I remember finally being detached from W#1, it was the biggest relief I've ever felt. I know I'll get there again this time, and stories like yours really help.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I can’t imagine anyone reads this But Michelle started sending out her emails again and that brought me back here.
Wild that I last wrote in September 2023 and I had no intention of being back. I’d also add I don’t have a need to be back. I’m what I would call happily divorced at this point. I still have no interest in my ex-wife sometimes it makes me sad when I don’t have the kids every day, but I’ve really grown my personal life where I have plenty to do and I’m still with the same girlfriend, I was with two years ago. We’ve done some incredible hiking, I’ve taken up mountain biking, I’m still snowboarding, and this past summer I took up wakeboarding with my kids. I love my girlfriend in that relationship has been really incredible.
If I could go back and talk to myself in the darkest of my days, I think I would just give myself a hug and say everything‘s gonna be OK. I tell myself that I had a nice smile and that I’d meet somebody because one of the weird things of going through years of trying times was that I never received any compliments and once my wife left and I was talking to other women I was shocked to find out a lot of really nice things that people saw on me.
I’d let myself know that the kids are gonna be OK and that they would get through it even though there would be pain I tell myself that I had more friends and family than I realized who cared deeply about me and would be there anytime I needed them. I’ve learned an incredible amount of these past 10 years and after having gone through it all, I’m very happy and I have a great life.
So if anyone does read this little blurb from the past and reads the rest of my story because they’re going through a challenging time I would just reiterate that everything’s gonna be OK and if you do get to the backside of this thing and are looking for resources I really liked the book Heartbreak by Ginnette Paris. It really helped me.
