Need advice please (2)

[Dink]

Need advice please previous thread

[Dink]

So yesterday she texted me about getting a alert from our back with a code because I locked my self out because I had caps lock on. She I think was worried I was doing something with the bank account. She said said call me if you want code, and I said I already got it thanks. Then she called me to say what’s going on with the back, and I explained what happened again. I said I went in to pay the last bill for the month. She said ok, just wasn’t sure what your state of my was after not answering my calls yesterday. She said you know you can call me or text me if you need to talk
We are still family, referring to the incident with my sister the day before when I didn’t reply to her text or phone calls. I said im good, Better today and end the call. Have not heard from her since.
Not sure what she had going on yesterday . But im a little better today after all the stuff the past few days

[BL42]

Dink,

So I responded in more detail on your previous thread, but will say this...

But im a little better today after all the stuff the past few days

When you spoke with her, even just in relation to the bank, you started to wonder where her head was and spun a little bit. Part of the reason we're saying "go dark" or "don't communicate" is for your own detachment. You noticed it in your statement above...you'll feel stronger as time goes on with less interaction with her. There's no reason you needed to respond to her or explain yourself about a bank password, or really anything at this point.

[Dink]

I know she is checked out of this marriage, she has been unhappy for years . I just don’t understand why she wants to be friends so bad and won’t just move on. In the last three weeks she has reached out to me via text or phone 98% of the time

[DejaVu6]

There could be multiple reasons she keeps contacting you D. Easing her guilt, trying to keep you as plan b, etc…. I know it is difficult but you really need to stop trying to figure it out. I promise you that she’s not doing it because she is wanting to get back together. If that was the reason, you would know it.

I’m not a big proponent of waiting 24 hours to respond to questions. That feels disingenuous to me. I agree with others that you shouldn’t respond to texts that aren’t questions and when you do answer, use as few words as possible. Go as dark as you can. Not to punish her but to make things easier on yourself.I know in my case, the less contact I had with XH, the better I felt. It got easier to do over time. (((HUGS)))

[SteveLW]

I think the point on the responding to texts that are questions is not to do so immediately. Lots of LBSs are so happy to hear from the WAS that the minute the text comes in they are responding. So whether it is 30 minutes, or 24 hours, or anything in between, the point is to not be sitting on pins and needles waiting for them to text so you can respond. Plus, a lot of people's first impulse to react to messages isn't always the best way to respond. So a) be busy (GAL) so that you cannot respond right away, b) take time to measure your response, c) don't let your excitement from hearing from them cause you to OVER respond, d) keep it business like!

[Dink]

So last night she went over to my oldest sons house as she usually does on Tuesdays and said that my daughter happened to be there as well. She said they were questioning her about how my sister was doing and she said she kinda just rehashed what I put in the group message the day it happened. She said the kinda kept diggin. She said I don’t know if you want to tell them together or separate but we need to do something, I said ok, just let me know. She paused and said ok, I will let you go and that was the end.

[Kind18]

So, you interacted with her and spoke to her again?

The advice to this point has been fairly clear. Stop communicating PERIOD.

And I agree with Steve, the 24 hours is not disingenuous, it’s so that a LBS who is struggling with emotion can digest things and respond much better. If the LBS is kicking goals and responding without emotion, then there’s no need for time. It’s not to punish the WS, in fact has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with improving the LBS position.

[Dink]

I wasnt sitting around waiting to hear from her, I also knew she was over my sons house as she goes every Tuesday. The call lasted maybe two minutes. I acknowledged and when she said we have to do something I said ok. That was it. One thing about her is she is a very needy person, even the week
I was still at the house before going to other house we had a discussion and she was crying saying she doesn’t know why she is so needy. I know I did nothing wrong this time over the last five years except probably be to focused on making tthings so easy for her by doing everything because of her many health issues, and probably walking on eggs shells to not rock boat because of all the hurt and pain I caused those 9 years. She said she came back last time because she seen what it was doing to me and the kids. And maybe her saying to me this time she wanted a divorce and me actually saying ok for the most part, and saying I won’t try to stop you like last time, and finally left and have not for the most part pursued her, or contacted her…yes a couple slip ups here and there. I left and have seen her twice in the last maybe month. In doing all that the last five years and I spent so Much more money than I should have On stuff trying to make her happy again, like the lake house and trips etc , which has cause me to have a lot of Credit Card debit. I spent almost all my time with her , rarely going out, and probably did it out of fear, as we have discussed a lot on these boards. We both absolutely love our family life, we do a lot as a family. Our kids always tell us how luckY we are because they want to do stuff with their parents and have fun doing it. They say to us all the time there friends wished they had that type of relationship with their mom and dad as a family. I turned into a better person overall and really did change for the better in many many ways, she told me she feels like she made me the perfect husband for some else. However in doing so kinda lost a little of myself by really not going out. I was so focused these last five years on righting a wrong I did the long years of not being there at all for her. Any obviously I still dropped the ball this time around at different times of maybe not listening as well as I should or being tired.
And falling asleep when i kinda knew she wanted to talk more. The thing is, I do believe over she was in a lot better place with our relationship,and always would say that every night was cuddle time and we did every night. She would say that this is my favorite place in the world and I do believe she meant it, but I know now that the times I would drop the ball like I did all those years and occasionally even the last 5 years that it may of triggered to those years and cause her flashbacks or something, I don't know. Or maybe she came back the first time because of the wrong reasons, and yes her love did come back, and she seemed happier alot of the times, but because she never went back to consoling to work thru the past hurt it never got to the point it should have and she still felt like something was missing, and reaching out and talked to this other guy recently. I know she was still struggling with those years thinking I had multiple affairs, which I did not, I had one. Now did I talk to other woman here and there yes, but not in a slippery Sloan kinda of way. After the depression and stuff I felt after finally ending my affair years earlier, and having it cause so much depression and sadness for me and for what I did, I never wanted to go there again. I just struggled so badly returning to my self because of the guilt, and as I written before, the unexpected death of my brother a few l years later , then after that the onset of dementia with my father and eventually his death a few years later. Jus last year in August when we we were both suppose to go to this Mega 80s concert with our kids, but she got sick and couldn't go. She told me to still go, and I did because it was with my kids. Well the next day we were setting there and she said, well last night while you were gone, I went down the rabbit hole. She said she scrolled thru all of my Facebook all the way back to the beginning, and noticed two woman that commented or like a lot of my stuff. One lady was someone I sold a car to, as I am a Sales Manger at a dealership. She was a huge Prince fan, as am I, and we talked a lot about it . Occasionally this woman would text me stuff about prince and we would converse a little. She was married and I had meet her husband when she signed for the paperwork. One night about 6 months or so after she bought the car from me, she hit a deer. Well that night this woman texted me and said she hit a deer what do I need to do? I had falling asleep and my wife checked my phone and seen the message and went crazy. Asking who this is and why is she texting you. I was honest I said I don't know. I sold her a car, and she said then why is she texting you and not her insurance company again I said I don't know. I told her that her and her friends hand tailgate with us at a fort to all game with my sister and the kids, (my wife couldn't go because she was sick) and she was a customer. The next day she called two of my sister who were at the tailgate yelling at them saying how couldn't you tell me about this etc. this was in 2014. After that day I text the girl and told her not to contact me anymore that it really set my wife off, and this was in 2014 and I have not heard from her since. Well the night I went out to the Mega 80s with the kids, she messenger this woman asking her if she could talk to her about her relationship with me. The next day when she told me she went down the rabbit hole, we had plan to go to dinner and were driving and received a message back from this woman say yes you can call me and gave her number, as we are driving she said do you want to tell me the truth before I call her, I said I did. I said im going to pull over and you can call her. So she calls and said hi this is scott wife, I was wondering if you could tell me what your relationship was with my husband, as he has already cheated on me once. And the woman said, well I bought a car from him, and we had a common interest in prince and he gave me ticket to Michigsn State football from the dealership a and we talk a little about prince. It was just a platonic friendship. Which is the truth. . I was not attracted to this woman sexually, but had a good personality . My wife has always been a VERY jealous woman, and that caused me some anxiety at times. But she has always and still to the day thinks I had more than one affair, but I know in my heart I have not and didn't even have a emotional one or anything else. I know she is still stuck in the past with the emotional dessert I was and the thoughts I had multiple affairs which I didn't , and all of the baggage from the past is something she cannot get past, because in her head She believes more than one happened. At least I have a clear conscience on that part. I know from what she told me when we meet last week to discuss some preliminary stuff, she told me she hasn't been as sick and hasn't had and migraines since I left, that maybe all the emotional stress and turmoil she has inside her from the years, and without me being at house and not pursing her, has maybe improved her health some which I am happy for at least.

[BL42]

Dink,

Just a tip - it would be helpful if you broke your longer posts into paragraph format...makes it easier to read.

I wasnt sitting around waiting to hear from her

Good.

I also knew she was over my sons house as she goes every Tuesday. The call lasted maybe two minutes. I acknowledged and when she said we have to do something I said ok. That was it.

What would happen if instead of answering the phone you let it go to voicemail? Or, even better, you didn't even notice the call because you were out to drinks with friends, at the gym, out for a trail hike, or at a movie theatre?

One thing about her is she is a very needy person, even the week
I was still at the house before going to other house we had a discussion and she was crying saying she doesn’t know why she is so needy.

Don't ease her into the transition, making it easier to D you. It's probably comforting to her to have both OM for excitement and you as a tie to her old life. What if you completely removed that as an option and made her feel what it was like?

I know I did nothing wrong this time over the last five years except probably be to focused on making tthings so easy for her by doing everything because of her many health issues, and probably walking on eggs shells to not rock boat because of all the hurt and pain I caused those 9 years.

It's great you improved things for 5 years. However, 9 years previously is quite a long time. It may have been better to dig deep and work hard on the main issues rather than gloss them over and walk on eggshells. Regardless, you can't change the past. You can only move forward.

She said she came back last time because she seen what it was doing to me and the kids.

Seems believable. I'd believe her.

And maybe her saying to me this time she wanted a divorce and me actually saying ok for the most part, and saying I won’t try to stop you like last time, and finally left and have not for the most part pursued her, or contacted her…yes a couple slip ups here and there. I left and have seen her twice in the last maybe month.

Yes, you moving on might make her think. Don't expect an immediate reversal though. Especially if she's tangled up with OM it's likely going to take a long time if at all.

In doing all that the last five years and I spent so Much more money than I should have On stuff trying to make her happy again, like the lake house and trips etc , which has cause me to have a lot of Credit Card debit.

Talk to you L, but typically it's not YOUR credit card debt. It's on both of you as marital assets, so don't take that on financially.

I spent almost all my time with her , rarely going out, and probably did it out of fear, as we have discussed a lot on these boards.

Read and watch YouTube videos about attraction. Often the guy will give up hobbies and interests to appease a woman but that makes him overbearing and less interesting. Start focusing on yourself. Go out and have fun. Start hobbies and get involved in things. Work out. This will make you more attractive.

We both absolutely love our family life, we do a lot as a family. Our kids always tell us how luckY we are because they want to do stuff with their parents and have fun doing it. They say to us all the time there friends wished they had that type of relationship with their mom and dad as a family.

Losing the sense of the nuclear family is perhaps the #1 fear of folks on this board. I wanted that for me and my kids, and miss it at times, but also had no control over it. It's great you cultivated such a close relationship with your kids. Leverage that to to stay as involved as you can in their lives, regardless of what happens with you and wife.

I turned into a better person overall and really did change for the better in many many ways, she told me she feels like she made me the perfect husband for some else.

This is common thing for WASs to say to LBSs. She's probably being honest. She does recognize you improved but right now thinks she can't FEEL differently about you. Those feelings may change over time.

However in doing so kinda lost a little of myself by really not going out.

This is very common, and also why a big piece of advice is GAL. What are you doing to GAL???

Dink - You have a lot of reflection on your relationship history and your past actions and your W's past concerns, and that's fine - use that to self improve and certainly if you need to use the forum as a medium to vent and "get it all out" - but what we want to hear is what are you doing to grow moving forward? What GAL are you doing? How are you making yourself more attractive and a better life going forward with or without your W?