Hm. Forgot what I whiny, annoying, bi-atch I can be when I don't feel good...

So I talked to H last night after I got off work, to try to arrange seeing the movie. He mentioned he wanted to go with me when I looked at apartments, said he was going to be "spending a lot of time there" and wanted it to be a place we are both comfortable with. Which is a topic we have both discussed quite heavily recently--that all of the places we have lived, usually one of us has not really liked it, but not said anything about it. I'm thinking he's planning on halfway living there with me, just not "officially." Kind of like we were really together the last, oh, few weeks--but not "officially."

The interesting thing about the way it happened, was it gave us both plenty of space to feel comfortable. Something about the psychology of us being technically seperated let us sort through some problems, even though we were acting like a couple. I think that's what this new apartment is going to be like. H has said he wants to keep his entertainment center there, and even mentioned that he wanted his king-size bed at my place (because he would be sleeping there "a ton") and he take my double bed to his mom's, where he's technically going to be living.

I made sure we went to the movie late enough so H could make it. He was supposed to go to his GED class and then meet a friend to get back something he borrowed. So when I talked to him, he couldn't make up his mind what the best way for him to meet us was--if I should pick him up, or he should just meet us down there.

I wound up going to BIL2's ahead of H. I had been working on his computer, and had some more things I was wanting to do to it. So I hung out with MIL and BIL2. H left his place late, so he decided to meet us at the theater.

He was very happy to see me. I think I hurt his feelings a bit when he kissed me--and then I made a grossed out face and complained he had just had a cigarrette. But, I'm sorry, that's just gross, and he was supposed to have quit again anyway! So I got him a piece of gum, and then told him that was much better.

We were holding hands during the movie, and he was laying on me...it was so nice. He kept telling me he had learned that he never wanted to go through all of that again, that he just wanted to be with me all the time. (Um, yeah, I know him better than that.) MIL and BIL2 were making fun of us the whole time. Basically, it was a very normal night.

H took MIL and BIL2 back, so I could go ahead and go home. He said he would stop by to see me, though, later. I had just gotten into bed when he called me. He said he was on his way. I was just talking about how I was messing around with MIL and BIL2 before we went to the movie, and he got kind of funny, sounded upset, said he had to go. I asked what was wrong, and he said he needed to go, so I just let him hang up. If he wants to be left alone, that's usually best.

So he walks into my apartment, and I'm pretty sleepy, but very happy to see him. He walks up to my dresser, puts my bank card on it, turns around, and leaves. I was more than a little surprised. I went out of the bedroom door, asking him to talk to me. He just went out the apartment. I wasn't exactly dressed enough to go chasing after him outside. So I called him on my cell. He didn't answer, so didn't leave a message, and decided I was just going to go bed if he wouldn't talk to me.

Less than a minute later, he calls me back. I told him I couldn't believe he wouldn't even give me a hug before he took off. I asked him to tell me what was wrong, and he refused, kept saying he was leaving. Had a weird quality to his voice. I asked him if he was leaving me again, and he said no--that he was leaving everybody. H kind of worries me when he starts talking like this, so I asked him what he was doing, and he wouldn't tell me. Then it occurred to me I was pursuing--and that never works with him. And then I got kind of mad. Maybe not the best reaction, but it was late and I wasn't feeling good at all--if he wants reassurance, I don't mind, but when he won't even tell me what is wrong (or even that he just needs some time), then that's just stupid. So I started yelling.

Told him I couldn't believe he was trying to get away from me again. That I couldn't believe he wouldn't even give me a hug good night. And that if he wanted to go, fine, he should just go. He said he did, and hung up.

Not five seconds later, he called me back. Asked me if I wanted him to come up. (See, as soon as I stopped chasing him, he got uncomfortable and wanted to know what was going on.) I said of course I did.

He came back into the apartment, and I gave him a big hug, and finally spilled a lot of stuff. He said that he would never, ever leave me again. That all he wanted was to be with me all the time right now. That he didn't like the idea that he couldn't be with me more--even though he was the one who put himself in that position by being busy so much. He felt he made a hug mistake, and didn't know how to fix it. That he hated it when people assumed I and his brother were a couple, because he wanted them to know I am with him. And that he didn't feel like he was important to me anymore, and that he thought I was going to leave him. (Isn't that a little backwards???)

I did a lot of listening. I guess I shouldn't point out the next time someone mistakes myself and BIL2 as a couple when we're doing errands or whatever (hey, I just thought it was funny because...well...ew!...he's like my brother). And I also told him that I was hanging out with his family when he wasn't available--like when he's at work--and I would be seeing them a lot when he goes to basic. Probably not the best answer. In retrospect, I should have just validated his feelings, not justify my POV.

I did ask him what I could so that he would feel more important. He said he didn't. I told him that he was--and pointed out the times I had called him earlier. I'm a lot more independent from him than I used to be, and maybe he was expecting me to call him more like I used to once we were officially back together. I don't know. I also told him that, if I had wanted to leave, I had plenty of chances. That I loved him and wanted him. I'm not sure of that was the best response.

He did calm down. I held him, I touched him, I hugged him, I kissed him, I massaged him. I asked if I had helped, and he said that I had. He told me he didn't want to go, but that he had a lot of stuff to do. I was sort of clinging onto him (I just crave attention when I feel sick), and said he really didn't want to leave me, but that he had things to take care of. (This meant roommate, and that whole mess with getting out of the apartment.) That it was a day-by-day process.

He did look better when he left. I think some sleep will do him a lot of good, and he should be feeling better today. Maybe he was just having his day to crash and burn like I did earlier this week. I also think he had a lot of nights like that, where he didn't really tell me what was going on, while we were still in the sep. And those nights, I did leave him alone instead of forcing the issue.

So I left him a vmail this morning (w/o calling his phone), telling him that he was very important, that I missed him, loved him, and couldn't wait to see him tonight. That should give him a smile when he wakes up.

I've noticed I really miss sleeping with him at night. Clearly touch is a big part of my LL. I've realized that I feel closer to my H when I wake up in the mornings, after sleeping in the same bed with him, even if we don't spend all day together. And when we are together, I like a lot of the casual touching--holding hands, his hand on my knee, that sort of thing. So I was really enjoying the movie last night, since there was a lot of that.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]