Pregnant, Abandoned Twice, OW Affairs MLC? the Lot

[AnnKay]

Here in the States, you would file an "Order for Temporary Support" so that H has to be committed to supporting you and the children until a divorce is finalized.

Thank you for your detailed reply, Kml.
There may be something similar here by way of child support, but this requires assessments and some parenting plan to be in place. Unfortunately H is in some sort of weird depressive limbo that it is hard to get him to even talk about any planning. I have all the documents drafted and ready to go nonetheless.

If he wasn't contributing to the savings accounts, where was his money going? Did he make that much less than you? Or was he maybe spending his money elsewhere? Other women? Drugs or gambling? Hiding money?

Yes, my concern is the same with you. I am sure he would have spent it on the OW at some point. He makes around 30K more than me, so he has no reason why he would not be contributing. Our expenses are also very manageable as we initially planned to save more to buy a bigger house. At the beginning of the marriage, we had a series of conversation and agreements about the amount both will contribute to the savings and to daily expenses, rent, etc but as time goes by, he just shut down more and more. This is a little of a sore point for him every time I brought it up so I just stopped.

I have to tell you - when I hear that he "got depressed" and left you years before - my spidey senses start to tingle. I'll bet you he was having an affair then too. It's even possible he has cheated on you off and on over the years. Turns out my ex probably was.

Parts of this story sounds a bit like my ex, and what I am about to tell you comes from that experience. First of all, a guy who walks out on his pregnant wife and toddler son has SHOWN YOU WHO HE IS - a selfish person. (And one with bad taste in affair partners, since she's a whackadoodle who spies on her affair partner's wife and threatens suicide. What a peach.)

I am at the point now where I can't really take anything he said to me in the past as remotely true anymore, so it is quite possible that he did have an affair. I have no proof, but it does not mean he did not hide it.
Did your ex go through depression as well or was there OP involved in the separation?

Second - even if he comes back, you can never trust him again. A guy who will do this now, is likely to become a repeat offender when you get older, or life gets more stressful, or the kids are a handful, or someone in the family gets seriously sick, or he turns 50 and goes into a panic about aging. I bet if you look back on your relationship, you'll find that you have been the one accommodating him and making it work. Once that genie is out of the bottle - once they see an affair or leaving as an option - it's very hard for them to return to a state where they would never consider it. You deserve better.

Thank you, Kml. I need to be reminded of this sometimes. When I look back at our relationship or talk to friends about their relationships, I do realise that I was probably either too accommodating or tend to overlook the important stuff/red flags. He is turning 50 in 3 years, but it is no excuse for doing what he did.

Four - Even if you're not decided yet about divorce - which I understand, this is very new - definitely follow your lawyer's advice about protecting yourself financially. You can always remarry if he truly comes crawling back and does all the things necessary but as others have pointed out, you can't always get that money back, and you will need it.

Fifth - I hope Australia is where you wanted to live and not where he maneuvered you to in order to be in the country he wanted when divorcing. If not - if you'd really like to return to the UK to be near family who could help you with the kids - talk to your attorney about your options.

I am still thinking and considering my options. I have taken steps to secure my finances, and received step-by-step advice regarding divorce, but I just cannot focus on it at the moment. I do want to stay here and possibly buy a property on my own when all is finalized, but again, I am weighing all the options and will decide when there is enough headspace to think about it. At the moment I am focusing on the birth, pregnancy, finishing off tasks at work and finalizing my handover.

I'm so sorry about this whole mess. But realize that reconciling for the sake of the kids can be a mistake. That was part of my motivation when my ex cheated when my kids were 12-15; years later they told me they were always waiting for the other shoe to drop - which it did several years later. Only in retrospect did I see that my ex was a narcissist, and our marriage worked mostly because I accommodated him in so many ways.

I am starting to see this too. My son is only 3 but a couple of weeks ago he saw a show about different types of families on TV and he turned to me to say "I have a small family: me, Mummy and baby." Dad was not considered a part of his family.
I think my son is disappointed by the way his Dad acts and I don't want him to think that anyone can just treat a woman and his family so badly and be welcomed with open arms.