Create the life...

[Elbereth]

Thank you DnJ, your words and support are always a comfort.

Sage, thank you so much for following my sitch. And for sharing your struggle with similar feelings. It is very confusing isn’t it? Languishing does ring a bit true. But it feels incomplete. But I agree, defining it with words is hard. Maybe once I finish reading Atlas by Brene, I might realize there is a word for it. I am trying to have an open mind about the future. Know that it will get better and I’ll feel better. But in my soul, I don’t feel it yet. It still feels so out of reach. So far out of my imagination. In fact, I am struggling to even imagine it. It’s a really strange place to be. Sending hugs and compassion your way as well. Yes, I wish we could go for a walk together. Wouldn’t that be nice?

I’ve been dealing with a lot this past week. Trying to get prepared for the upcoming mediation, work is getting worse…three more people gave notice, and I have also been doing a lot of research and soul searching about the next steps I should take and timing. Now it’s just a matter of when I leave this job. I feel so frustrated to have to deal with this too on top of everything else. I lost the person I thought was the love of my life, I lost my dream home, I lost myself, and now I lose the job I had wanted for so long. I feel like I’m in a giant washing machine…sure maybe all the stains will come out and I’ll be better than new, but this tossing and turning and drowning in water is so damn hard. When will it stop? I don’t even feel like I’ve reached the spin cycle yet. And then I feel guilt for focusing so much on myself when people in the world are suffering more than me. Like what is wrong with me? I have a roof over my head, I have decent health, I have some money. Just suck it up.

I had a long convo with my brother last night about things and about my mom. I realize I have a lot of anger towards her right now. My mom is a wonderful person and was an amazing mom, but she is very stuck now in a very unhappy life. She lives very far away, will not travel and is very isolated. Every time I talk to her it’s same story but she refuses to do anything about her life. A million excuses. I feel so sad for her and wish so much that she had a different life. But all she wants to do is complain about it…and complain to me about it. And the burden of her unhappiness is more than I can bear in my current situation. This situation has been going on a very long time. I feel angry because I feel cheated out of a life with my mom. She won’t visit, we have to go there, and I want her here. Being there is being in her unhappy life. It’s also exhausting. She’s better away from it but she won’t go anywhere. I feel sad when others talk about how their mom was right there to help them when they are going through hard times. My mom will listen on the phone, but it’s not enough. Especially because her own unhappiness always becomes the biggest part of the conversation. And she will say things like “I just don’t want you to ever end up like me” and I get angry because the example she is setting is so bad. She used to be strong. I just find it so frustrating. And I feel sad that she will die so unhappy. But I also know I can change it for her. But it still makes the whole relationship so hard on me emotionally. I did try to set a boundary about not having every conversation be so negative, and it really backfired. She cried and lashed out and denied that she is doing what she is doing, so I have tried to change the subject or get off the phone etc. But it’s hard. She’s been dumping her sadness on me for so long that she is desperate to keep doing it. And I feel guilt because I know she really doesn’t have anyone else to turn to. My brother is much better at handling her unhappiness than I am. But our relationship was always different from theirs.

Anyway, I’m just trying to keep moving forward even at a snails pace. One day and one step at a time. I’m just tired and still very overwhelmed.

El