Thank you all, your words are so comforting to me..
I was tested for everything back in December, everything came back clean.

I know that this has nothing to do with me. I am mad at myself for not paying attention to all those little things, those little one offs that made me think for a second over the years, but I would just brush them off.. I would think.. nah, he wouldn't do that, he loves me..would it have made a difference...no it would not have. H would have just lied and lied some more to cover his other life.

I will never understand the why..I will never have the answers.. because there is nothing and I mean nothing that STBXH could ever say that would make this rational or sane. There is nothing he could ever say to me that would make me let him back into my life. He is sick, I can not fix him, not my job to teach someone to be a good person. He needs help that he will never get, that is not my problem anymore. I know that I was a good wife, I was happy, I loved him probably always will, but this... this is not fixable.he is a sick, sick man .I will still pray for H to get help, seek peace, I hope someday he heals himself. I can not even to begin to imagine the pain in his head. He must feel something deep inside with all his demons.. who knows..

Yep, I need to find a good IC to fix me, sort this mess out in my head now. The trama, the abuse..I am dumbfounded (DnJ, thank you for that word)

God has brought back a old friend into my life. She has been so amazingly supportative to me. Helping me GAL, been going to lunch and out for cocktails. Introducing me to all kinds of new people. I caught a small glimpse these last few weeks of a new life. But I plan on taking it all very slow. Found out I am incrediable shy now...which if you new me that would make you chuckle.. I have always been outgoing, confident and bubbly and fun to hang out with... but that girl is buried right now.. someday we will see her again. Baby steps...

Another surgery this Thursday, herna by the incision from my last surgery.. Mom is coming down to stay and take me to the appointment. I did not tell Mom and Dad all of the sick details about H. I will not tell his mother either. She has enough pain in her life, she dosen't need this to. I know it would do good for anyone.

Start new job on the 4th, I will need to focus on that now, which I think will be good for me. I don't feel ready to do it, but I know I have to.. I have to for my own sanity...


Thank you all for being here for me, with all my heart, thank you

Stella

to be continued, maybe they will make a lifetime movie about my life someday..lol