I am so sorry to hear this Stella. I agree with others… trying to understand the “whys” truly is a cheeseless tunnel (as they like to say around here). I had a lot of those questions as well. Four years later… still don’t have any real answers. For a long time, I imagined that XH and I could sit down across from one another and, now that the “truth” was out there, have a real honest conversation. At one point, he even told me he would have that conversation “in a few days” when he was “ready”. Guess what?? A few days came and went and not a word. It’s been over three years since he told me that. Not holding my breath…lol. That was one of his MO’s… when your wife wants real answers to real questions, agree to give them to her but not right now. Let some time pass and make her ask the question again. When she does, agree and then put her off again. Eventually she will forget about it or just stop asking. Lather, rinse, repeat. If I had a $1 for every time XH and I did this dance, I’d be retired by now.
I, too, had a lot of the same “how could I be so blind” questions. I beat myself up for that for a long time because I am a smart person. More than that though, I am an honest and trusting person and like a lot of honest people, I projected my own way of being (moral code)onto him. I couldn’t possibly lie to and cheat on the father of my children so he couldn’t possibly do it either. I didn’t see it because I wasn’t looking for it….same as you. And why you? Because people like him can only have relationships with people like us. If they married someone like them, it wouldn’t last six months.
Really proud of you that you aren’t going to tell his mom the stuff you found out about him. I found out about XH’s double life at the same time as his mom so we didn’t talk about it initially. But anything I’ve found out since, I’ve kept to myself. She and I have a relationship separate and apart from him and she is my kids’ grandmother. My telling her everything I know wouldn’t hurt him, it would hurt her and I have no interest in hurting her any more than she has already been hurt. She doesn’t deserve that and, frankly, I’ve moved on. You will get there too my friend. Big (((HUGS)))
