Last week D6 was really upset at bedtime. We moved to our new city before she turned 2, but she was telling me I was "always mad" in our old city, and never liked my job. Then she asked if I ever loved mommy, and if so, then why did we one time go in a separate room and "mommy thought you were going to hurt her." Unbelievably inappropriate. She said her Mom told her these things.
I brought my concerns to XW about the messaging, and she called me "horrible" and "emotionally abusive". She said she never said those things to D6. We had an agreement for me to have the kids next weekend when I have family visiting, but XW said she will no longer honor that agreement now.
D8 and S10 are in IC. They are quiet and reserved about things. D8 clearly has some emotional issues going on, having outbursts from time to time but refusing to say how she's feeling, for instance.
I'm concerned about all the messaging to my kids. Even though my XW freaked out in denial, I still feel right in pointing out the behavior so hopefully she thinks twice next time she decides to put our kids in the middle or discuss inappropriate things with them. There is no other explanation for D6 saying these things to me. And XW's reaction was so strong and defensive and diversionary that it tells me what I need to know.
I'm really sad for my kids, and knowing that some level of this stuff will continue throughout our lives. I do believe that just being the best dad I can is all I can do -- I just wish my XW could let things go so our kids could be more emotionally healthy. Or that I could do something else.
Sometimes I think about talking to my kids about some things, but I am very very cautious about putting them in the middle of adult topics that they don't need to be exposed to.
U, this is rough. Obviously, I am not an expert in how to deal with this stuff. I have seen a lot of friends go through similar though. And a couple of family members. What I can tell you is that confronting the EX over things like this rarely goes well. We men like to take action. "Ex said something inappropriate to D6, I cannot let that go!" Well, the problem is you really need to. Unless it is something that is physically risking the child, you, unfortunately, have no control over what she says to them and tells them.
However, as the advice above from others says, just be the best dad you can be. Kids are smarter then we give them credit for. They also have more wisdom and insight then we give them credit for. When a child sees how wonderful their dad is, even though their mom is constantly telling them how awful their dad is, the child will see it for themselves and realize that what mom is telling them doesn't match up to the dad that they see and experience.
So as hard as it can be you need to learn to take the high road on this stuff. One of my best friends growing up had his parents split up. It was awful, I spent a lot of time over there and in the middle of the split things were really tense. His mom cheated on his dad. She eventually left him for the other man. She would tell my friend how awful their dad was. However, his dad fought for custody of him and his brother, and won. He was a great father throughout it all, and afterwards. His mom got them every other weekend, but as the two of them got older they began to skip those visits. No matter what his mom said about his dad, he saw that it wasn't true. Truth has a way of winning out.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
