Friday night we had a big argument. I screwed up again.. After meeting on Thursday and informing her I too was onboard with divorce I had to go to the lake house to get stuff and she said that was ok, as she wouldn’t be there. I had type a closure type letter that I left for her when I went to lake house. It just basically said even in those years I was emotionally unavailable I did still love you, even though you said I couldn’t have if I did what I did. I said that is why I never left.. I said I am telling you this for you to know, and for me to find closure. And it did make me feel better as I finally accepted the end to our marriage and seemed at peace. Friday night she texted me at about 7 am to say thank you for the letter, it was very hard to read and made me cry but I appreciate you being honest and telling me. I reply no problem. I was at the house I am staying at and she was at her mothers who is a block away and I said I do have something here for you if you want to pick it up and she said what is it and I said you will see. She said ok, it better not upset me. I said it shouldn’t . It was a writing I did for her years ago that she really liked. She said she would stop on her way to lake house. She stopped and I was lying down, and she came and said so what do you have, I said it sitting on stove. She went to stove to get it and came back and said why didn’t you tell me that this was what it was. I do want it but I didn’t need to get it tonight. She said it’s like you manipulated me by not telling me what it was, and got pissed. Then of course stuff got heat and we went back and forth until she finally left about a hour later. I did truly want her to have it And too see her again because I did know it truly was the end. We unfortunately rehashed old wounds and she said im done being controlled and manipulated by you and left like I said about a hour later. The very next morning she called me at about 10 am to tell me that her grandma who is going to be 101 in July who just had hip replace surgery three days ago had a major GI bleed and was on the way to the hospital. She said she wanted to apologized for how thing escalated last night and ask if we could return to more of a civil tone like when we meet Thursday. I said yes. She threw out a lot of hurtfull thing at me Friday, which maybe I deserved. She then later that day texted me to give me a update on Her grandma. I was very upset At how things escalated Friday night, and some of hurtful things she said whether warranted or not, And I was just being courteous in my reply. The today my sister called me and said she would come over today to help me with some stuff at the house im staying at to get it ready to sell. When she arrived we were talking a little about what happened the night before with my wife and I. Abou a half hour after my sister arrived she started down and said she wasn't feel very well and thought maybe she need something to eat, so we were going to go get something. When she stop up she started walking towards me by the door and then just stopped, and I said are you ok, and she didn't say anything. So I went up by her and she said something do feel right and she collapsed. I caught her and her eyes were just staring straight ahead and I keep saying her name but she did respond, the suddenly she star blinking and said that was weird. I slowly helped her up and she said ok I might need some fresh air. I'm holding her and we walk a few more feet to front door and I open it and she steps outside, and again say something doesn't feel right and was looking straight ahead with like a blank stare and collapsed again and I caught her and keep yelling her name and she did respond and when I helped her sit down she started blinking her eyes and so ok, thoat was so weird again. She asked for a drink and I got her one, and she said she was feeling a little better and I said I think I need to take to to the ER and we went to have her checked out. At ER the took her back and I waited for her. While I was waiting I sent I message to our family group chat which includes my three kids and their spouses and me and my wife. My wife tried calling me but I didn't answer, then she tried calling me 5 times over the next 2 hours and sent me three text telling me to please call her. I never did but I did keep them all updated thru the group chat. They finally cam out and said the ran test did a car scan, ekg and everything looked normal. The think it had something to do with a new medicine she recently started. I know I should have probably respond to my wife, but the previous night just had me not wanting to. I still haven't return a call or text, but she is aware that my sister is ok from our group message. I truly do know this is over, but after the way things went down the last couple weeks I just didn't want to allow my self to let her try to comfort me at this time ...
Dink, yes you are right. This was a screw up. You talk to your STBXW wayyyyy too much. It is obvious you are trying to hold on. People say things, and they do things. The things they do belie their true intentions. The things they say are not indicative, they are only what is convenient, comfortable, and necessary at the moment. So when you say you know it is over, but then your actions are the opposite of that, people have to look at the things you are DOING and not the things you are saying. If a stranger (me) on the internet can pick up on this, then you have to understand that she (your STBXW) certainly can too!
Manipulation attempts are one of the worst things a LBS can do in their situations. WASs almost always see right through them. This is why we encourage LBSs to DB (GAL, 180s, detach) truly and sincerely for themselves, not to try to manipulate the spouse back to the marriage. Is it hard? Yes! Especially if you have a history of controlling and manipulative behavior. 180s/self-improvement DEMAND working on those behaviors. Dink, we've seen a lot of the LBSs here. Some come here, listen to the advice, work on themselves, and improve. Lots of examples of that. But others come here, read the advice, respond (and even sometimes argue) with it, then go and do what comes intuitively and natural to them. Those latter LBSs struggle mightily because they are unwilling to try to change what got them into their situation to begin with.
I am not saying all of this to 2x4 you. I am simply pointing out what I am observing. The chorus here is to back away from her, give her time and space, do not be so available to her, and certainly do not try to control and manipulate. And then you go back to the same behaviors you always engaged in.
I really like the way you handled her with your sister in the ER. Not calling her back. Not responding to her texts. I would like it EVEN more if you gave her what she wants and removed her from the group message ENTIRELY.
At this point you need to go dark. (LRT) You need to never answer her phone calls, certainly never call her. If she texts with a direct question, answer it in as few words as possible, but not right away (remember you are out GAL!). No greetings and salutations. No closings. No courtesies, just business like. Yes and no questions should get yes or no answers.
Ex: Her: How is your sister doing? You (30 minutes later): She is much better. Her: Okay I was really worried about her. You do not respond since there was no question. Her after some time: Did you see what I texted? You after 20 minutes: Yes Her: Why are you not responding? You after 30 minutes: Really busy
That's how you should be interacting with her now. She fired you as her husband. You need to stop trying to continue to be that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
