Hi D,Andrew & BL
Yes, my STBXH is a lost, damaged soul. This is so much to process, so I am all over the place. It is too much to even think about. I did tell his friend I do not want to hear anymore of the disgusting details.

I actually have alot of pity for H, he is battling demons that I can not even begin to understand. It is sad, and I think I was the only thing holding him to reality. He will/is spiraling out of control. I will not be part of it anymore. I can not. I will always love the man I remember, in the way I remember my M and him. H needs help, help that I can not give him nor at this point do I want to. He needs so much professional help, that he will most likely never get. I truly fear that this will not end well for him, how can a person hold so many demons inside before it crushes them mentally??? I fear for his life, the good hearted loving man that I knew will crush under the weight of all of this if he ever accepts what he has really been doing all these years.

I think H will be lost forever, he will never face the truth of his life and choices. He is a addict. He is lost to me and reality.....

No, his mother does not know any of this, I will not tell her any of it. That is her son, she only has him and him her. He would deny it anyway, and it would serve no purpose. Our M is over, any chance of R is over. This is way way too much for me to process... 21 years of lies and cheating and lord knows what else.

Everything H has said know makes sense to me..."you will never beable to forgive me"... because I did not know the depth of his deception, a life time of it. I think he loved me in the only way he could, but not the way one should love, cherish, protect and honor a wife. No one in the world deserves to hear the things that I have heard.

I was grateful for this friend to finally come clean to me. He told me he could not live with himself if I gave H another chance at our M. Not after what he has seen over the years, after seeing how hurt I am, and how I was willing to forgive H and work it out. H will never never never admit to any of it. He will continue on this path of destruction to his dieing breath. He will take his secrets to the grave...He will continue to drink more and more to cover the pain of who he really is.. It is really sad, my heart breaks for him. I would have walked through hell with him, but now... at this point in time... I have to fix me.. H is on his own...

There is no reason, going forward for me to see him or talk to him. I know that this has nothing to do with me or the person I am. I am a sweet, loving, caring women.. I have a big heart and I love big. This will scar me for the rest of my life.. not sure how it can't.. Thanks D, I am a good person, I will not change who I am because of what he is.

I don't know what the future holds for me. Just day by day for now... But H will not be part of my life, that I am sure of now. So yes, in a way this is good for me, it has slapped me in the face that I am doing the right thing by moving forward with divorce. I was on the fence about the whole thing and really believed that we could R..but I do not feel that way anymore...

I got my name off of the credit cards today and Tuesday I am going to get my own phone plain and figure out the cable.. those are the last 2 things I need to do now. H sent some make shift spreadsheet for what he owes me and already transfered money to my account.. I sent it to my L did not even respond. His calculations make no sense....so the L's can handle that..


Thank you all for being here for me through this. I will continue to post any updates, but the D will happen. I am ok with it now, that is the only choice