The light approaches... slowly

[Core]

It never ends, does it U? This sounds awful and the sadness you have in your concern for the kids is completely rational.

Last week D6 was really upset at bedtime. We moved to our new city before she turned 2, but she was telling me I was "always mad" in our old city, and never liked my job.

It sounds like her mom is doing one of the big "donts" in divorce and is talking bad about the Ex and also is using the kids as emotional dependents. They are being mom and dad for your ex, and its confusing - shes the adult. Your D6 has a pure love for you and cant understand why the other person she has pure love for is upset at a person such as you. You are Dad, her only one, surely she must feel weird hearing her dad put down.

she asked if I ever loved mommy, and if so, then why did we one time go in a separate room and "mommy thought you were going to hurt her." Unbelievably inappropriate. She said her Mom told her these things.

Your ex seems to be talking to your d6 like she is one of her own girlfriends. Unbelievably inappropriate indeed.

I brought my concerns to XW about the messaging, and she called me "horrible" and "emotionally abusive". She said she never said those things to D6.

Good on bringing up the concerns, at this point there is no sense keeping the peace, it seems exposing this is the next best way to handle it. Gaslighting is something else here. Its like she is looking at herself in the mirror and calling you everything she sees.

U-We had an agreement for me to have the kids next weekend when I have family visiting, but XW said she will no longer honor that agreement now.
C-the system is so broken, throughout this whole things your ex threw up so many red flags. I hope others know more here. I'd say document to go for full or more custody of the kids in the future. They should be in a happy home.

U-D8 and S10 are in IC. They are quiet and reserved about things. D8 clearly has some emotional issues going on, having outbursts from time to time but refusing to say how she's feeling, for instance.
C-Signs of being afraid to speak out.

U-I'm concerned about all the messaging to my kids. Even though my XW freaked out in denial, I still feel right in pointing out the behavior so hopefully she thinks twice next time she decides to put our kids in the middle or discuss inappropriate things with them. There is no other explanation for D6 saying these things to me. And XW's reaction was so strong and defensive and diversionary that it tells me what I need to know.
C-from an outside perspective hearing your side of this, this is spot on.

U-I'm really sad for my kids, and knowing that some level of this stuff will continue throughout our lives. I do believe that just being the best dad I can is all I can do -- I just wish my XW could let things go so our kids could be more emotionally healthy. Or that I could do something else.
Sometimes I think about talking to my kids about some things, but I am very very cautious about putting them in the middle of adult topics that they don't need to be exposed to.
C-I think you're right to hold off on bringing them in to adult topics yet I also get....what are you supposed to do when just the other side does it? It probably feels like youre just sitting there and not fighting back. I know some who had a spouse with BPD and they did everything the could to turn the kids against the more mentally healthy spouse. Once the kids got older, they saw it for what it was. Maybe some hope in the long run but hopefully something else can be done in the short run as well.