So last night was, for the most part, good. H called me while I was at the gym, then again while I was at the tanning bed (my new guilty pleasure--if he can smoke, I can tan! ). First vmail said he had had a "bad" conversation with roommate; it also sounded like he was rationalizing why I hadn't answered the phone. The second one he sounded pretty concerned, asked why I hadn't called him back yet since it was well after I got off of work.

I called him back as soon as I got in the car. He sounded pretty relieved. Now that all this stuff has happened, he seems to have gotten more nervous about where our R is headed. I think it's the guilt eating him up again... H asked me if I was headed home, I said I was, and he asked if I would go to the gym with him. So I said okay.

The gym has been an interesting stress point for us. After the first seperation, we were supposed to have a workout day together. This was before I had an idea how to handle my panic attacks, and I got completely freaked out several times. So I never wound up actually going with him--something I know he was wanting, in retrospect, to feel closer to me.

I had already been yesterday, but I agreed to go and spot him. Even though I knew I was going to do a lousy job. Part of my path forward is to force myself out of my comfort zone, and get used to that uncomfortable feeling, a little at a time, until I can handle it. Yeah, I did a bad job of spotting. I ignored his cranky comments while he was working out. Before, this would have bothered me, but now I realize that it just means he's concentrating on something else. But I still did it! I told H that I didn't really know what I was supposed to be doing, and he said that if I had let him work with me (which I had backed out of so many times before) I would have known. So I told him to work out with me, then. He thought about it, then suggested maybe he, BIL2, and I all three go to the gym together. I think he's trying to introduce another element to help me stay calm, which is very sweet. But, whatever, it still sounds fun.

H said he was hungry, but it was late, so he decided he wanted to just go buy some groceries anyway. On the way over we discussed roommate. I guess she's suspicious of his moving out--which will leave her with no place, since she's not on the lease--and was acting very nice to him the night before. So that he was surprised and couldn't just go ahead and tell her. (I guess H can't be mean even when he's planned to when someone is being nice...mental note...).

On the drive to the store, H mentioned some female name I hadn't heard before, that she lived somewhere in the area. I've been practicing not letting my jealousy get me, so I just kept my mouth shut. But, H is incredibly perceptive--and could tell I was bothered. He asked what was wrong. I told him that I didn't want to harass him, like I promised. I think he figured it out, though, because he let it drop. But this was where something went weird in my head.

I started thinking about how roommate had sat in the car. In the passenger seat. Where I was sitting. Now, I know for a fact nothing happened. But all of sudden, I felt like I was going to get sick. I was even still feeling weird once we walked into the store.

H could tell I was being distant. I just told him I was feeling funny. He asked what was wrong, and I said nothing (we were in a store!). I finally told him that I would wait out in the car. He looked sort of panicked, asked if I still wanted to be with him. I said of course I did. H told me that I hesitated, and wanted to know why. Great...digging a hole fast...so I told him I would just wait outside.

Well, I couldn't stand to sit in the car, so I walked a little while away and sat down on the rails to one of the cart corrals. Absolutely broke down in tears. I really should have seen this whole thing coming. It was much worse after we got back together from the first seperation. But I hit that point again where I was having doubts. I kept thinking it didn't make sense why I wasn't happy--I had what I had wanted! Then I thought maybe I just wanted him since I couldn't have him before. All of the stuff with roommate had suddenly started bothering me again--I think because, before, my strategy was just to tell myself it didn't matter since we weren't "together." Well, now we were, and she's still living there.

I had a good cry. A really good cry. Kept thinking I wanted H to come out and give me a hug. Then it dawned on me...clearly I didn't want to get away if I wanted him to hug me.

I was about to wander back in when H came out. It actually took him a minute to find me--said he thought I had left. I told him I wouldn't do that...I had his keys! He looked pretty worried, stayed back from me and everything. I told him to give me a hug, and he did.

He leaned next to me on the rail. Started smoking--guess I stressed him out. Ooops. He asked me again if I wanted to be with him, and I said that I did. That I think the whole thing just had hit me again. It's kind of like when you're pushing against a wall...and you push, and push, and put your whole weight into it...all of a sudden, over it goes. And you go falling with it because you weren't expecting it! (I gave him this analogy, too.) I think I just sort of crashed down from all the emotions.

And I explained to him about how all of the sudden roommate was bothering me like crazy again, how what had made me feel better before was my idea that I didn't have any "claim" on him. He protested that he was taking care of the situation--and I told him I knew that, that's one of the reasons I didn't want to tell him. I'm not trying to make him feel any worse than he already does! I told him it was kind of weird because I felt like--even though it wasn't true--he had moved in some gf right after I left. That I was really weird she wanted my cat, and that he was trying to be nicer to her, in asking her to leave, than he was to me. I also told him that I knew the reason he had been so horrible to me (and hadn't realized it until much later) was because he was hurting, really badly, and he starts acting prickish as a defense.

H asked if it was my fear of being in a relationship that was panicking to me again (I've had it at every stage, except the wedding, of our R and every other one I've tried to be in). I told him no, but I actually think, now, that was part of it. He then told me I had panicked him, but that he deserved that after what he had put me through. (See...with the extreme guilt again...) I told him that it didn't matter. He then volunteered to give me full access to his money when he leaves for basic. It's not that he didn't trust me before, but I think he needed that barrier (seperate money) to feel in control. And that he was looking forward to, in the future, us having a family together.

H dropped me off back at my place again. We held for quite some time in the car. I didn't want to go, and he didn't want to either, but he was supposed to work early this morning. I told him we were fine, and for him not to worry. I could tell he was still a little bothered. But I told him that everything would work out okay.

H called me, briefly, after he drove off. Just to say ILY and good night.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]