Oh my goodness! I am so sorry H has such a dark past and protected secrets. Definitely all about him, and not you!
Something to consider, it is good that H’s friends finally came clean and told you. I suspect they kept buying his lies that this is the last time, that he would be better, blah, blah, whatever, and therefore kept quiet. Folks really don’t speak up, even when they should. However, as I said, consider that these people are H’s friends, not your’s. Your friends do not treat that way. Lie to you. Keep things from you. And such. Be cordial and kind towards them, and treat them accordingly.
Yes, this news will be quite a shock. And after the shock wears off - anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. (((Hug)))
Originally Posted by Stella20
I will never understand.. my whole life has been one big lie. Did he ever love me?? I don't see how he could..Why did he marry me, why did he pretend for all these years? Why didn't anyone come clean with all of this to me? HOw could I have been so blind????? OMG, I can not even explain this, I can not wrap my head around it.
In time you will find understanding and acceptance. This does not mean condoning or granting some free pass or such, just that you will find peace with this.
How could you be so blind? Because you weren’t looking for it. You trusted H. Trusted his vows, and your vows. Trusted the path the two of you were on. Stella, that is not a fault! In fact, that is an incredible trait and sign of character. People often project upon others how they are inside. A cheater thinks/believes everyone is out to cheat them. A thief cannot leave his wallet unattended because they feel/believe someone would steal it. You trusted and loved, because you are good inside.
Clearly H is a troubled soul. He has problems and pain that precedes you, as his longtime friends have confirmed. I would think, and even believe, that H honestly did want to love you, wanted to be better; and even did and was for a while. Perhaps slipping and falling over the years, and not wanting the double life he was living.
The problem with lies, and twisted made up realities - they snap back. Reality reaches out and smacks one. For a person believing and living such lies, the snapping back of reality can spring them into the weeds so far they never find their way out.
Mid life is a transition. From work to retirement. From parent to friend. One has more life behind them than ahead; and for a hurting person who has been running, lying, and such, coming face to face with their accomplishments - or really their lack of life accomplishments - breaks them.
We all need a certain level of understanding before we can let go. Your newest discovery is a doozy. You don’t need to wrap your head round all this in a day.
Originally Posted by Stella20
So H's mom called me over the weekend. Asked me to stop the D and to keep fighting for H. I told her that I can not stop the divorce. That I have to protect myself finacially and I can not trust him to do the right thing when it comes to my future. I told her that I will always love H, and I still want our marriage, but I can not fight a one sided battle. Told her that H has not said that he does not want a D and He is still living with OW and having a public affair and acting like he is just fine.
It would appear that H’s Mom is unaware too.
For what’s it’s worth, do not let this new information change who you are. “I will always love H, and I still want our marriage…”.
Both of these are ok.
I still want my marriage too. The one I had/have held in my mind and heart. Of course my marriage is dead; I accept that. And I let it go. Yet, I have my memories. My view of things, and that was real. The past is immutable. Find peace with it. You have your marriage, in your past and memory. Let go the future.
As for H (and for me, J). Love him. It’s ok. You can love him, and not like his actions. Love H, and let him go.
Peace comes from better not bitter. Love the person. Forgive the sin.
H is a hurt lost troubled soul. Loving him or hating him will have little affect upon his path; it will have huge affect upon your’s.
Keep your heart soft and squishy. Keep your trusting outlook. Keep healthy boundaries. Be you. Become you.
Keeping moving forward, and live in the light. For you are worth such.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
