Saving Pack through D, Pack_19 part V

[Pack_19]

Hi all,
I hope you are all safe. First I must ask about Sandi, I imagine she has not been back. I listen to my audio with her messages to me weekly so in a way she is still very present in my head (and yes that is how hard it is being for me to fully move on).

I have been away cause recently I had a minor accident on the motorbike, a young lad opened the door of a car while in a traffic queue when I was passing by and I got stitches on my left leg and a broken collarbone so I am mostly getting help from my parents with the kids. I cannot exercise and it is killing me, I am at home and all these thoughts about my past life, how much W has hurt me and how I need to move on with my new life knowing it is now me the one who would not take her back based on my newly found self respect and principles.

Before the accident I was sailing in full GAL mode. I bought the BMW M with part of the earnings from the house in Munich (something in my brain says I should use my money in a clever investment instead but this has been a dream since I was a little boy and I have studied and worked hard for 20 years for this moment). The car is just, wow!, I cannot wait to take it to a track day in a racetrack close to home. I also ran my first marathon on 3:50. I was on pace for 3:18 but at km number 38 I got a massive cramp on my left leg. Still I managed to put myself together and I finished running after I walked for 1 km. My sister was there on her bike cheering, as I came into the finishing line I broke down on tears, I was telling myself "Pack, all the days crying at home, all the long evenings running to burn down your fears, hurt and frustration, they have all come to this. You owe this to the new man you have become".

I can only say this will not be the last one I run. I have a new goal for my PIES, do one under 3:30! The kids are doing great, last weekend it was hard as the little one did not want to go back with W after we had a great day watching Ferrari win again in the F1. I gave S8 my ferrari hat and told him, son put this on, today we win again! And he asked me, dad who are you supporting? I think he was all confused after last year of us supporting Max Verstappen, hahahaah it was a great day.

I avoid all interactions with W except children related emergencies. My brain goes into pain, fear and anxiety every time I approach her. I think I have finally learned interacting with her is fire, and all that can happen is that I get burned. We are not D yet, W must have learned about my new job and the last time her L came back to mind all of a sudden she wanted alimony. So we have shared custody, she wants more than it is fair from the house and alimony. I know I should put aside finances as business, but it is not about the money, it is about making and stand against W to show her I am now a rock she wont be shaking again with threats and manipulation never again. My L told me that due to the law in Spain and our large salary gap, any judge would give me a generous alimony to pay. I am not sure if you can understand me, but it is enough that W has kicked me out of her new life and make me responsible for all but now I need to send money monthly to this stranger that she has become AND suffer the time I have to live as if I had no children because we dont interact. I must be still broken inside but my mentality is, if I am going to life a single life, let it be a proper one, and if I am going to be a star of a father, I want a strong and loving woman next to me. I need to work a lot on these thoughts, I know I have friends, loving family, two treasure of boys, health and a great career and that makes me a very fortunate man.

I struggle with being alone. I know I am still work under construction but I have not met anyone worth my time and having sex with women I occasionally date feels good from a physical point of view but let's be honest is meaningless and doesn't really allow me to put into practice all I have learned about mean and women properly. Someday I will be ready, I just need to keep pushing, keep working on myself and being the best father I can be. The girl in crossfit, I just made a joke on IG about the weight she was lifting. I tend to brake the ice with intelligent sense of humor. I guess she was not interested, period and moving on.

Updated PIES

P - Get back to crossfit and smash my PRs. Marathon under 3:30, keep practicing my sexual kung-fu, work on my diet and keep up the new looks and improve my diet.
I - Grow as a team leader in the new company, learn as much as I can from google cloud. Read my books on R and women. Improve my driving and riding skills.
E - Practice active listening with everyone, be more social and open. Never pursuing any woman. Love, respect and admire the new man I have become. Put children above all in my life. Detach from W and accept my M is no more.
S - Talk to God, ask him for help moving on and leaving my thoughts that question how I have growth and improved through this hell. Accept I could never control the outcome, focus on me and improving as a man and father.

Pack_19,

As bad as you were in the detachment & no pressure/pursuit, you really excelled at pouring your emotions into physical activity and transforming your physique and style. With all the running, biking, and cross fit over the past two years I bet you're a physical specimen and feel great about that! Love all the self-help and relationship resources you read as well.

I have never felt this good and I think it scatters to other aspects of my life. When I am emotional, feeling down or questioning my growth I go for a run or do some serious weights in crossfit. I feel more of a man, I feel I can be a leader to my children, I feel stronger, more confident and I honestly blame myself for never having taken it seriously while I was married.

Good for you. I'm generally against D and think married couples should work through their issues, but as been stated on this board ad nauseum marriage takes two willing parties and your W is clearly not willing. You can rest easy knowing you fought for your marriage for two years despite repeated infidelity, disrespect, rejection and hatred from your W. Time to take a stand for yourself, let go, and move on.

The line about repeated infidelity really hit me hard. I need to detach further but reading the words still burns a fire in my chest. Thanks for telling me the things I have to listen to, I will use these messages as fuel to keep moving forward. I have cried many days in the loneliness of my home. It is time to become an amazing man.

You're not responsible for the D. You may not have been a perfect husband, but can rest assured you stood for your marriage. You just can't control your wife...this is her path.

Someday I will be able to talk all of this with my children but yes God knows I gave it my best. I radically changed my life and demolished all I had built for a chance that never existed. What a nice piece of learning for Pack. You know, of all the times she has seen me since the accident wearing my right arm on a sling, not once has she asked me how I was and what had happened. Not that I care as I did in the past, it just makes me think she must really hate me.

That's alright. Almost all of us struggled. Just keep learning from it and improving going forward.

I'm glad to hear you got a new job, sold the Munich house, filed for D and are moving on. You've made so much progress on your PIES, especially physical, and you're sounding much stronger emotionally and form a detachment/no pursuit perspective.

Your most recent posts show growth and I think you're doing great. Keep it up! We're all rooting for you!

I feel stronger emotionally, thank you. I know I have to put extra effort on the emotional and mental strength as well as how I value myself when it comes to relationships with women. Can I please ask for some advice on how to handle the D thing? I want to be free from this past that only brings me pain and misery but I am not going to surrender financially to a person that has destroyed all we had just to get away from me because, as she said, she cannot be happy next to me.

Thank you all, I really needed to recharge batteries after the accident and reading your comments is perfect for that!

So many great people in this board, thanks!