What do you mean by anger hasn’t hit yet? Could you elaborate on it?
I was referring to your anger towards your W for her actions. Think of the 5 Stages of Grief.
Most of us LBS are in Denial at first:
Originally Posted by Jq25
At first, I thought it was not a big deal, was trying to be reasonable
and then quickly move towards Bargaining:
Originally Posted by Jq25
and was trying to work it out LOL by being nice, a door mat as you will and followed by all other mistakes LBS make at first.
and many go into Depression (I certainly did for a few months).
But when things settle down and you're past the initial whirlwind the Anger can hit hard. I think right now you're still a bit shell shocked and haven't fully taken it all in. Don't be surprised if and when an intense anger towards W and OM pops up.
Keep in mind it's not linear so you might be feeling really strong one day and then something hits and you get angry the next and realize you haven't fully gotten over it. It's a process.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Jq, you've mentioned a couple of times about becoming a nice guy. What do you mean by that?
It means treat your spouse as a boss. It seems like a trend these days women like more feminine type guys. Friend of mine left her “@ss h0le - H” for sweet nice guy.
Hmmm. This is the opposite of what we normally recommend. First of all, most people have the wrong idea of being a "nice guy". As if being nice somehow entitles them to certain things. I am sensing the idea that you think being a nice guy will mean your marriage would be save.
True nice guys are nice because it is who they are, no expectations. When you are nice for someone else's benefit, or because you have an ulterior motive, then that isn't being a nice guy, that is Nice Guy Syndrome. We sometimes recommend a book called No More Mr. Nice Guy, you may want to check it out.
The truth is, there is nothing nice about most "nice guys".
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Jq, you've mentioned a couple of times about becoming a nice guy. What do you mean by that?
It means treat your spouse as a boss. It seems like a trend these days women like more feminine type guys. Friend of mine left her “@ss h0le - H” for sweet nice guy.
Please don’t take it out of context. Please, please I wanted to say, nice guys who are in touch with their feelings. I know, I need to learn how to be more Vulnerable, be more upfront with weakness.
I am not sure the research supports your original thesis that women prefer more feminine men. Where are you getting that?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Jq, you've mentioned a couple of times about becoming a nice guy. What do you mean by that?
It means treat your spouse as a boss. It seems like a trend these days women like more feminine type guys. Friend of mine left her “@ss h0le - H” for sweet nice guy.
Please don’t take it out of context. Please, please I wanted to say, nice guys who are in touch with their feelings. I know, I need to learn how to be more Vulnerable, be more upfront with weakness.
I am not sure the research supports your original thesis that women prefer more feminine men. Where are you getting that?
Steve It’s not research, it’s just something I saw with couple friends. It’s just they are with new partners that 180 degrees different from their Xs. Just kind of odd….
My wife started an affair now it’s progressed into a relationship with super nice guy, yet said that she will need to find another A..H… like me….
Steve It’s not research, it’s just something I saw with couple friends. It’s just they are with new partners that 180 degrees different from their Xs. Just kind of odd….
My wife started an affair now it’s progressed into a relationship with super nice guy, yet said that she will need to find another A..H… like me….
Meh. WAWs and WWs always think their LBHs are rear holes. As far.as OM, the grass is always greener... Until it isn't. I'm afraid you are barking up the wrong tree with this nice guy theory. If you have been a controlling jerk, then yes stop being that. But becoming a nice guy isn't the answer. You cannot nice her back to the marriage. It is a common mantra on this board. LBSs think after BD they have to become a Stepford spouse to win back their WAS. It doesn't work that way.
Jq, have you read Divorce Remedy?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
my L is saying that all this crazy rush is because she wants to get married and/or pregnant.
She only knew this guy for less then a month tops before D me came up.
I have not read your thread in detail so I may lack specific context, but wanted to provide some clarification on this.
WAS take a lot of time thinking through their actions. When they are thinking through things, they often fake their actions and things seem good in the marriage. When they let the LBS know they want out of the marriage, they have thought through their decision and have complete confidence in what they are doing. They want to move full speed ahead on their new lives, which in turn means they want to rush closing the lid on their marriage. She may indeed be pregnant or want to get married, but I have a feeling the reason for the rush is the excitement she perceives in her new life in general i.e. a life without you.
My advice, is to believe none of what she says, and only half of her actions.
She is likely turbulent at this time, chaotic. She likely doesn't know what she wants.
As far as others go, and where nice guys come in. There is a difference between whom a modern woman will say they are attracted to and whom they really want to pursue.
Like men, women have some dual needs that sometimes don't match up with one person - someone to provide security and provisions (nice guy), and someone to stir up feelings and emotional connection (other dudes). Most guys are a mixture of both with leanings one way of the other. Some balance it well.
Society says women like nerds and personality, yet as it has always been, they select men with more masculine traits like height, drive, confidence.
However medicines and such like birth control can throw things off course to a degree in my opinion.
Do what works for JQ25. Becoming someone else would be short term or impossible to keep up. Be a better JQ25. Whether you D or R, you'll be better off growing yourself. She was attracted to you and your traits once before. Maybe she feels she wants something else. Often feelings are temporary.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
My wife started an affair now it’s progressed into a relationship with super nice guy, yet said that she will need to find another A..H… like me….
Also Jq, in my time here and in counseling for my sitch, I learned a WW doesn't know what she wants but will keep you hooked. She'll give you crumbs to keep you around, in case things don't work.
Are you the backup plan for her or alternatively in your eyes, the way you see fit, can you push yourself to be a prize?
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
my L is saying that all this crazy rush is because she wants to get married and/or pregnant.
She only knew this guy for less then a month tops before D me came up.
I have not read your thread in detail so I may lack specific context, but wanted to provide some clarification on this.
WAS take a lot of time thinking through their actions. When they are thinking through things, they often fake their actions and things seem good in the marriage. When they let the LBS know they want out of the marriage, they have thought through their decision and have complete confidence in what they are doing. They want to move full speed ahead on their new lives, which in turn means they want to rush closing the lid on their marriage. She may indeed be pregnant or want to get married, but I have a feeling the reason for the rush is the excitement she perceives in her new life in general i.e. a life without you.
Very well said, I wonder has anyone here turned this around?
