Well...I just jumped over here from newcomers. So stats first off:
  • me: 24
  • H: 28
  • M: 2 years
  • R: 4 years
  • no kids
  • seperation officially lasted two months--this was our second go round at it (unfortunately)


I woke up Sunday feeling weird and insecure again. Something about us being "official" again shifted my brain. I had actually expected this, after last week--there was an incident where I was reminded of all of the old stress and pressure from the M. I wanted to call him...but I just left it alone, since it was fairly early, and I knew he would still be sleeping after work.

But H called me, asked me I wanted to eat and maybe to the gym with him. I told him of course I did, so he came over to pick me up.

We wound up at this Chinese place, with some food I had actually never tried before. H is always complaining that I never try anything new...heh... I ate some stuff that, for some reason, made me queasy to look at it. But I gave it a go! Shrimp with the head still attached (why this bothered me is beyond me...I love shrimp...it must have been the eyeball...), something that looked like a baby octopus, raw oysters... He told me that he was glad that I "do stuff" with him now. I guess he's talking about the drinking and dancing, as well. H commented that we were having a very nice time--sort of a treat for our reconciliation.

We headed back to my place, to rest before the gym. We wound up cuddling...which turned into ML. Which led to one of the best naps I have ever had. The window was open, a nice breeze was coming through. H was curled up with me. We were both out too long to make it to the gym, unfortunately, but I don't think he cared.

We talked some more. I could see he was feeling vulnerable--feeling very guilty. Asked me why I loved him. I told him that he was kind and caring, and that I fel safe with him. We talked about how I've never been with anybody else (unlike his extended history). How I'd only kissed three guys, and he was actually even the first guy to even get to "first base." He asked what was so special about him--if he had just been in the right place, right time. I told him that he was very considerate, never pushed on me what he wanted, and made me feel very safe. H told me that all of that made him feel very special. That he thought I was one of the most faithful, loving people he had ever met. He commented that it felt right with me. I told him not to worry about all the stuff that had happened--it's not uncommon for a marriage to go through a rough spot. He said it must be in the air...there are two other people at his job who are seperated now. I told him it's just the age group we're in, that's it's common, and we're all in the same "phase" of our relationships. This seemed to help him feel better.

I showered, while he went down to the car to get his books to study (which was supposed to have been the whole point of the day, anyway). He wasn't back up when I got out, so I stepped out on the balcony, to see where he was at. He was sitting in the car, on the phone. So I left him alone.

He came back up several minutes later. Much more stiff and obviously defensive. He sat down on the couch with me, and we started in on the math stuff. A few minutes later his phone rang, and he took it out on the balcony. After he came back, he commented, "She's really flipping out, thinking I'm going to move out." I had kind of suspected it was a long conversation with roommate, but my new approach is to not pressure him or ask questions, in an attempt to control my jealousy.

Not too long after that she called back again. This girl drives me crazy...and he doesn't think she has a romantic interest in him?? Yeah, right...

I could tell he was still pretty uptight, and I was getting concerned that it was me. I could tell I was falling back in the pre-seperation trap of getting hung up on his emotions, so I just asked him if something was wrong. He said he hated getting yelled out--then was quick to add it had been roommate. He said he hadn't broken the news to her yet that he was giving up the apartment, but that she suspected.

He also said he could tell I was bothered by her calling so much. I said that yes, it did bug me, but I was making an effort not to harass him for it. I just thought (and have always thought) she called him too much. H told me that he liked his friends calling him--and actually even volunteered that he has always taken his calls in another room, and told me it probably started when he was a kid. Not that that was what bothered me...just that that stupid woman can't get it through her head she calls my H too much.

H did say that she was getting kind of weird. Like she felt betrayed or something by the fact that he was going to move--which essentially forces her out of the apartment, since her name is not on the lease.

The discussion didn't last too long. The evening was actually pretty nice. Helped him study for the GED. I did notice I was starting to hang too much on what he was feeling again...fawning on him by getting him drinks and snacks or whatever. I need to be more careful of that, it gets me too hung up in what he wants.

H was nice enough to share his chocolate with me. (Yuuuummmm). He knows how much I love that stuff, and has a tendency to hog it.

We discussed me moving back down close to his family again. He offered to help pay for a two bedroom, but I said that it wasn't necessary. I want to get my finances straightened out, and don't want the extra responsibility right now. Especially if he is leaving for basic soon.

He asked if, once we were living together, if we could have two seperate bedrooms set up. That we would primarily sleep in one, but have the other set up for him in case he needed that extra space. I told him that I thought it was a good idea, and it actually didn't bother me in the least (which is true!).

I used to fall asleep on the couch while he was still in the living room--drawing, or watching TV or whatever. I asked him if had ever bothered him, having to get me to move to the bedroom. He told me no, that he had actually liked the fact that I just wanted to be around him. What had bugged him was when he would be busy on the computer or whatever, and I would start "demanding" (his word) attention. Good to know.

H definately prefers to pursue. He says the opposite, but it's pretty clear from his actions. The less I ask for/initiate sex, the more we have. The less I call him, the more he calls me and asks me to do stuff with him. The trick is to help him feel less pressured.

I feel pretty calm today. Yesterday I had actually been pretty nervous... One of the best tricks I've learned, for me, to help seperate the past is to mentally "pack a suitcase" and throw it off a cliff or off a train or something like that. LOL! I haven't talked to him yet, but I'm looking forward to it.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]