Need advice please

[BL42]

Dink,

What I meant about the 2nd time in 3 years was we told the kids three years ago we were getting a divorce

Right, so there is history of them knowing about divorce; it won't be completely out of left field.

When we talked to the kids it was a bitch

How did they react 3 years ago? Your sitch is different than mine w/adult vs. young kids.

but I let her do most the talking

That sounds like a good approach, both back then and this time around.

on the ride home together she was pissed about because she said it made her look like the bad guy the one to blame

Well she is the one in an active affair and asking for a divorce. You're not responsible for her feelings or making her look in a better light to your kids. Don't broach the specifics of her actions, but you don't need to speak up in her defense either.

And it was may long ago affair that caused this.

Your past actions and affair were wrong and contributed to the decline of the marriage, but you can't change them now. From your perspective you've tried over the last 5 years (or however long) to improve your actions and the marriage. That's all you can do. You have to let the rest play out.

So again im the one who didn’t want the divorce and she feels again like she is going to come across as the bad guy again and the bothers her.

Again, she's the one having an active affair and pursuing divorce. If that makes her feel like the bad guy that's on her, not for you to fix. Like last time I'd listen and let your wife do most of the talking. If your adult children ask you directly be honest but short and to the point, perhaps "I don't want the divorce, but won't stop your mother from pursing it". Don't get angry or smear their mother with her current activities. If your W brings up your past affair be honest and straightforward "Yes, I did 13 years ago. I am deeply sorry and feel terrible about that, but have done everything I can since to be a better husband."