Need advice please

[SteveLW]

Dink,

So I texted her and said we need to tell the kids this weekend we are getting divorced and she said we can meet tomorrow to discuss how we want to do it.

Do you want a divorce? I can certainly understand if you did considering her PA, but got the sense you did not, in which case the board generally recommends not initiating R talks with your spouse or discussions like this.

I then said, this would of been much easier Telling the if last weekend didn’t happen,

This comment has the sound of blame and pressure in it, which is not recommended.

to which she replied I know how you feel, I felt that way most of our marriage…

She feels that way currently, and your affair and distance in the marriage likely was a factor, but remember just because she says "most of the marriage" now doesn't mean that was really the case. The WAS/WS often initially rewrites the marriage in a negative light.

She told me she wanted a divorce And I said ok, not knowing really about other man and as I wrote prior I lost it when I found her at Other man’s house.

Unfortunately you don't have a choice in the matter, whether you knew about the OM. Saying "ok" (or saying "no") doesn't enable it (or prevent it) in any way.

Her tone had no resemblance of any regret, or compassion what she did

This is very common. It's more common the WAS/WS shows no remorse, and rarely does the LBS get an apology for the affair.

It’s just sad

Definitely a sad situation. Sorry Dink.

I at least have shown compassion and apologized foe my hurt from way back. She is definitely a wayward spouse. Bitter to the end even though this was her

Continue to show compassion if you can. You'll be better off for it, even if the anger makes you want to be mean.

When you talk to the kids, keep your personal emotions and bias out of the picture. Resist the temptation to blame your WW or show her in a negative light. Focus on what is right for the kids and be in the right frame of mind.

Agreed. Especially because in your situation for anything you throw at her she'll come back in your face with your affair.

I totally agree with what you have said and i definitely will put all the recent hurt behind for now when telling the kids. They are my main priority going forward.

Good.

As I have learned I can only control myself and my emotions.

Very true.

This will,be the second time in 3 years we will be telling them this news.

I'm confused. Thought you said they had no idea there were marital issues? Sounds like you had the same discussion a few years ago and this won't necessarily be a shock to them?

Not that it changes anything but i have this pit in my stomach that she is going to hugely regret this
When she has cleared from her fog…maybe im wrong just a feeling. I’m much stronger this go around than I was last time.

Don't spend much time dwelling on a potential fog. Even if it's true it'll likely be a long time before it lifts, and it doesn't change how you should act moving forward...focus on your own self improvements and making your life happy with or without her.

Dink the advice from both BL and MLC are SPOT ON!

I especially like the advice from BL on her "fog". Yes WWs always have a wayward fog. Some come out of it, some never do. Most take a long long time to. Over the weekend I was at an event where some friends of ours that split up were both there. Several years ago she cheated and left him for another man. He was devastated, but picked up the pieces, D'd her. Met another woman and remarried her. His new wife was at the event too. It took over 10 years but her fog is now lifted and she regrets what she has done. But her ex-H wouldn't take her back now for all of the tea in China!

Assume the fog is permanent and move forward with your own life with that understanding.

Hang in there, get through this next hurdle (telling the kids) and look toward the light at the end of the tunnel. All of the reading I've done suggests that men have a much higher chance of landing on their feet with a new relationship than women do. Apparently that disparity grows higher as the age of the couple goes up. The books on read on female infidelity and the aftermath were pretty clear that the research shows that LBHs are much more likely to find lasting happiness in a new R than women are. They showed a lot of statistics on this, the fact that women make up 50.1% of the population, that women live longer than men, etc. So just look towards a bright and happy future to come, even though it is hard to see now!