From twilight zone to crucible-IMPORTANT PM POST

[MJontheMend]

"And they lived happily ever after???" Don't believe it for a moment! You'll still have your challenges, and backsliding is a real possibility.

Of course you are right, Tim. What I meant was that while lately I've been kind of compulsive in my need to post here, I no longer feel that way.

I've been thinking some more about useful advice for others. One thing I now believe to be true is this; you only need to take baby steps in this process if YOU don't feel differentiated enough to handle yourself through more than that. Everyone has to go through the "crucible" sooner or later. It's not productive to take baby steps just because you are worried about your spouse's reaction to bolder moves.

The other thing that strikes me is how true the last chapter on spirituality in PM seems now. I'm not a very religious person and I didn't really "get it" until now. It seems to me the idea of what it means to be "faithful" to your marriage has been degraded in our society. Not cheating and not leaving are not enough. You have to choose to bridge the gap of "knowing" that will always exist between two people no matter how close. You have to bridge that gap with your faith.

I think perhaps this is a good analogy for why some marriages can survive "crucible" events and others can't. If you and your partner are both strong and differentiated, you are like the supports on either side of the gap to be bridged. If you are both willing to do some work to construct some planking, you can get very close to meeting in the middle. But, the reality of our existence is you can't really bridge the gap completely, you have to take a leap of faith.

I was able to put my faith in my husband because though he has disappointed me, he has never betrayed my trust. I believe that he is at heart a "good" person and that is why I love him. If you don't believe that about your spouse, then it's as though you believe the support on the other side of the river is rotten and weak, you will never really be able to commit yourself to building the bridge if you feel that way.END OF SERMON.

P.S. I did the eyes open orgasm thing too. Guess what? My H always keeps his open!