Renee - that is eactly what I meant by victim mode. Your h is blaming you for his actions. In some way these MLCers feel like victims, unsuccessful, no matter what the reality is. Look at your h. In order to feel good about himself hehas married someone very considerably younger [and at 26 someone in their 40s is a LOT older] He is also angry withyou for how he feels . . . .
I don't know about your son. Growing up without both parents is tough on kids, and it is hard for them to see the situation fairly and with any degre of objectivity. I hope he will grow up and see things a differently. It must be very tough for you.
I'm so glad I found this forum. It's really helping a lot.
I have a question though. I've read Sandi's threads and other MLCs that went through the process. From what I understand, they did not snap out of the fog until they hit rock bottom.
This only occurred when they realized they were going to lose their spouse and kids.
However, can this rock bottom only happen at the end of the MLC process (withdrawal, acceptance etc). Or can you snap them out of it say in the early stages like anger, before the affair/replay happens.
Or if you initiate divorce in replay, are you basically just guaranteeing the end of your marriage?
This only occurred when they realized they were going to lose their spouse and kids.
If your W is truly in MLC this will take a really long time to play out.
Originally Posted by BTBNR
However, can this rock bottom only happen at the end of the MLC process (withdrawal, acceptance etc). Or can you snap them out of it say in the early stages like anger, before the affair/replay happens.
You can not snap her out of it. It is a journey she must go completely through. No shortcuts.
Originally Posted by BTBNR
Or if you initiate divorce in replay, are you basically just guaranteeing the end of your marriage?
If you initiate divorce you will highly likely end up divorced.
And if you don't initiate divorce you will also highly likely end up divorced. Don't make decisions about filing for divorce based on hopes she'll return - make it based on the business of protecting your assets. Some situations call for filing, other situations call for simply implementing natural consequences of their decisions. But I do recommend consulting a lawyer just to find out how to protect yourself financially and what the likely outcome would be if you do divorce. Don't make any big decisions like moving out until you have consulted with a lawyer to see if it would hurt you in a divorce.
This is libbyasking's thread and over a decade stale. Just a piece advice using the forum...you'd probably be better off asking these questions in your own thread, so folks can respond to you directly and specific to your situation.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Thanks LH. I've spoken to a therapist and they've told me my wife is in MLC. I'm just not so sure, yet, because I havent seen any of the crazy behavior people speak about. She's a great mom. Hasnt neglected any of her responsibilities etc. No excessive spending or purple hair (you get what Im saying).
She's also not angry. But she's completely indifferent towards me, feels absolutely nothing for me right now and doesnt care about the pain inflicted through words pre BD. But she seems happy in general. Happy around our friends. We're friendly at home after BD, zero fights etc. She initiates a lot of conversations, mostly about the kids. BD was where I got the ILUBINILWU speech. Just in limbo for now while I do my work and I'm not sure where this goes.
What I have seen is rapid weight loss from exercise (60+ lbs in ~6 months). Talk of plastic surgery (completely out of character). A total infatuation with OM (I havent been able to confirm it's reciprocal or there is contact, jury is still out). A new look, a new wardrobe. Excessive phone use. Actively putting herself out there on social media to attract someone etc. Its heartbreaking to watch in the background.
If it is MLC then I think its at the beginning stages of replay (infatuation confirmed, possible EA, actively seeking PA with intent, just not sure if she's got there yet).
But what if it's not MLC and more wayward. I know the steps are the same, but do they hit rock bottom sooner and if so, how do you help them to hit rock bottom so you can turn things around faster?
Or is rock bottom losing an affair partner and spouse and kids at the same time at which point you need to let them play things out? I could never forgive a PA. If its inevitable I'd rather save my kids and I the pain.
I know the steps are the same, but do they hit rock bottom sooner and if so, how do you help them to hit rock bottom so you can turn things around faster?
Or is rock bottom losing an affair partner and spouse and kids at the same time at which point you need to let them play things out? I could never forgive a PA. If its inevitable I'd rather save my kids and I the pain.
NOTHING - and I do mean NOTHING you can do to make them hit rock bottom.
And for each person it is a different thing and different time.
Its possible that they will never hit rock bottom.
My mother never did - I will say that. I thought when she went to jail it might help but it did not.
Worry about YOU and things YOU can control not her and things you have no control over
What I have seen is rapid weight loss from exercise (60+ lbs in ~6 months)
Are you sure about this? Because weight loss in women from exercise alone is not this rapid. In fact, weight loss is mostly from diet although exercise is necessary to keep the weight off. And 10 lbs a month weight loss is extremely difficult for most women without either an extreme diet or drugs. (Or a medical issue like hyperthyroidism, colitis or other). What exactly have you seen?
What I have seen is rapid weight loss from exercise (60+ lbs in ~6 months)
Are you sure about this? Because weight loss in women from exercise alone is not this rapid. In fact, weight loss is mostly from diet although exercise is necessary to keep the weight off. And 10 lbs a month weight loss is extremely difficult for most women without either an extreme diet or drugs. (Or a medical issue like hyperthyroidism, colitis or other). What exactly have you seen?
Yes diet and exercising every day. She looks amazing. The transformation has been unreal.
What I have seen is rapid weight loss from exercise (60+ lbs in ~6 months)
Are you sure about this? Because weight loss in women from exercise alone is not this rapid. In fact, weight loss is mostly from diet although exercise is necessary to keep the weight off. And 10 lbs a month weight loss is extremely difficult for most women without either an extreme diet or drugs. (Or a medical issue like hyperthyroidism, colitis or other). What exactly have you seen?
Yes diet and exercising every day. She looks amazing. The transformation has been unreal.
