I just found out Friday there is indeed another man…..so that is the end for me
Sorry to hear Dink. Very predictable. Affairs are acts of anger -- she has built up a ton of resentment toward you, and since she's avoidant, she hasn't given voice to any of it or worked any of it through. I'm not saying you've done anything wrong, or that you deserve her resentment, it could be completely irrational, but the point is that it exists.
Once people have affairs, they *initially* feel guilty and will beat themselves up about it, but eventually self-protection takes over and they refuse to believe that they are bad people.
So if she's not a bad person, then the reason he did a bad thing must have been because *you* drove her to it, you made her do it, and therefore *you* are the bad person and she is the victim.
Once she gets there, she'll seek any evidence to reinforce his viewpoint and will reject anything that contradicts it. That's why she will vilify you and nothing you do will be good. You simply can't win because she's an expert at confirmation bias at this point.
Virtually no one gets any real remorse -- the wayward spouse will feel sorry for themselves for "how you made them feel" about the affair, but they won't really feel remorse for their actions because they convince themselves that they were justified and that you were to blame.
