I haven't posted much lately, although I have been following your sitch with lots of empathy (and I wish we had a way to connect for a walk, because we are in the same area).
Originally Posted by Elbereth
This depression that I am in right now has been hard. I just feel shut down. I’m not feeling suicidal or anything like that, I just feel frozen and stuck and honestly very tired. I’ve been sleeping a lot. I feel overwhelmed. I feel dread. I’m tired of feeling this way, but I’m struggling to move past it. I know that I will get there at some point, and I am trying to be kind to myself and just allow myself to feel these feelings. I do think that even though I feel frozen that I am moving forward at a snails pace…I’ve been learning a lot and that knowledge is being processed and that is also why I feel these waves of depression… I think (and hope) that this new wave is my dealing with the traumas that I was blind to before. Before I just felt stabbed with a knife, where now the knowledge is helping me to see what organs were affected, so my focus has shifted to healing those. If that makes any sense.
I couldn't have put my feelings better. I am not completely hopeless, I still have hope. But I often find myself stuck. Emotionally? Physically? Not sure how to define it. Someone threw the word 'languishing' out the other day. But I don't even feel like that defines it (as in the 'post'-covid sense of 'languishing'). I am fighting hard, internally, for a right to exist. And yet, I know I have so many reasons to exist and if I look back, I can even say that I not only 'existed' but also did amazingly well, given the circumstances. So what is it?
I am used to thriving. I am used to feeling happy and grateful for that which the gods bestowed upon me. Have I struggled? Yes. Deeply. But in the past, the struggle hinted at a better future as-yet-to-unfold. So I just trusted. But for some reason now, I can't quite 'trust the mystery'. Maybe it's covid. Maybe it's the fact that I have been deeply engaged in a relationship with someone who likely has a personality disorder and have been burned so badly/deeply? I don't have the answer. But I find (cold) comfort in the fact that others are also there with me too.
