Can she go through MLC without having an affair?

[DnJ]

Hello BT

I’m sorry your world has been turned upside down. I completely empathize and understand your feelings of being lost. As difficult as it is, give her time and space. You’ve told her you think she is in crisis, and she is has agreed to seek an opinion from an IC. She won’t want to hear your diagnosis, so best to not bring that up again.

You mentioned children. How many do you have? How old? How long have you been married?

However, one thing I could never forgive is an affair. Never. Ever.

You will likely be surprised at what you can forgive as you walk your journey.

So can she get through this and reach acceptance without having an affair or is it just a matter of time? I'm not sure how I'm supposed to get through this. 4-5 years? How am I supposed to survive?

The number of these people who have affairs is staggering. Realize something about an affair: It is not a wholesome relationship. It is built upon lies and deceit, and that makes a terrible foundation. An affair has nothing to do with you. It shows the character and hurt of those involved.

As for, is it just a matter of time. From my experience, and many others around here, if you are asking those questions it is likely the affair is already happening. Ensure you utilize protection if zero intimacy were to change; you do not want STD or some such.

BT, we all start out blaming ourselves for the affair and behaviour of our spouse. Go easy with yourself. Only take responsibilities for that which is your’s.

Listen carefully, you will survive this. Honest. You will.

How? Focus upon you. Give your W space and time. Let her sort things out. Do not push or pressure her; for all that will just push her faster out the door. Dig deep for patience and bite your tongue often; for she is likely to bait you into arguments to further her justifications for leaving.

Post often. This is a excellent safe place with many kind and compassionate folks with much hard earned wisdom.

Focus on you, GAL, 180s, detach, are all good suggestions and necessary for healthy progress. It sounds like you have been reading for a bit, and I’m glad you reached out. That does take some courage. Posting makes what’s happening, will makes this more real for you; and that is a good thing. Denial takes a while to get through.

She hasnt exhibited any crazy or irrational behavior yet. She's an excellent mom. I just dont recognize her because of the hurtful things she's said and the pain she's inflicted over the last 2 months. The speed of the deterioration of our relationship in the last 2 months is something I cannot understand.

If you like, please expand upon this. What has her behaviour been like? Did this all appear to just start two months ago? Anything significant happenings two months ago?

She may be in a crisis or emotional turmoil, although you say she is not exhibiting any irrational behaviours. Confusion is a fairly significant hallmark of crisis. And a crisis usually starts 18-24 months before bomb drop. Any deaths, weddings, or such recently or within two years?

MLC or not, your path is the same. Detachment. And become the best version of yourself. Yeah, I know, plenty of inner work.

Two weeks in, I know you have lots of questions. Ask away. Everyone needs a certain level of understanding before they can let go and detach.

Hang in there.

D