Create the life...

[Elbereth]

Thanks all for the encouragement and understanding.

Yes, it is time for a new job. But even more so, I am thinking I may need to take a sabbatical from work. With the divorce happening, I need to consult with my L, but at this point, with my depression, the stress I am under, etc, I am not really seeing how I can move onto the next step without some release of some of my stress. I am consulting with a few more professionals before I make the decision. And my H is aware of what is happening at my work, so I do not think he would see my actions as manipulations in anyway with the upcoming divorce and mediation.

I would use the sabbatical to accomplish a few things. First, I would probably take an intensive course on a skill set that is in high demand, but related to what I do now. This will help me in getting a new job. I am self taught and mostly work ‘by the seat of my pants’ and lack proper training. Most jobs I see want to see specific processes or paths used, so having knowledge of these processes would benefit in getting a new job. I’d also spend the time working on my portfolio. Also, I will also be moving to an apartment during this time. So having the space to focus on downsizing would help. I may even hire an organizer to help me.

I know, you are thinking that this doesn’t sound like a sabbatical. I do not have the luxury to just take time off to heal and do nothing else. So, it is to remove a stressor and at the same time set myself up for a more secure future. This time will still be stressful as I will be moving to an apartment and going through the divorce, but at least the things I will be doing will help me instead of just moving along with a ‘sinking ship’ which is what I think it now happening with my work and my life. I do have some funds to live off of with some of the house sale proceeds, and I’m hoping that a sacrifice in saving that money now will pay off in spades later with a new job and a new start.

Either way, I am still working to make a decision and will have a better idea of what to do in the next few weeks. This depression that I am in right now has been hard. I just feel shut down. I’m not feeling suicidal or anything like that, I just feel frozen and stuck and honestly very tired. I’ve been sleeping a lot. I feel overwhelmed. I feel dread. I’m tired of feeling this way, but I’m struggling to move past it. I know that I will get there at some point, and I am trying to be kind to myself and just allow myself to feel these feelings. I do think that even though I feel frozen that I am moving forward at a snails pace…I’ve been learning a lot and that knowledge is being processed and that is also why I feel these waves of depression… I think (and hope) that this new wave is my dealing with the traumas that I was blind to before. Before I just felt stabbed with a knife, where now the knowledge is helping me to see what organs were affected, so my focus has shifted to healing those. If that makes any sense.

El