(Maybe guys are just so tired of rejection that they’re interested in a woman who will reach out? Or maybe they had an antiquated idea of what a woman slightly older than them would look like and I messed with their preconceptions?)
Third - I was open to men of other races. 2 of my 3 longest post-divorce relationships were with men of color.
kml, I think often preferences like age and race aren't fully thought out. Are they the vestiges of biases we've escaped from? Are we following rules for age +/- arbitrarily without considering our tastes? For age, my upper limit is where most women wouldn't attract me, but it's always possible someone is that 25% exception where I'm like "Definitely!" if she were to reach out. I think you and I not discarding people over unquestioned preferences and breaking rules helps a lot! Of course, if you're having good luck with such preferences and rules, that's also awesome. If it's working, change nothing. (:
I met my STBXH on OkCupid. I think I was a match for him and he reached out first. Previous to meeting him I had been corresponding with a guy who lived part of the year in another state. We wrote a lot, he was funny, our letters were long and I was so excited to meet him in person. When I finally did, there was absolutely no physical chemistry. We went out a few more times to be sure, but in the end there was no physical attraction. He was a great guy and we remained friends, but no attraction.
So when my STBXH reached out to me, and was writing me long notes (which was his style), I was very resistant to engage. I ended up being short in my answers and waited until we met in person to fully engage. And look, he turned out to be a covert narcissist.
My point is, that dating in any form is really hard. There can be so many reasons why someone comes across as they do, and it could be for completely valid reasons. It is very hard to know a person by just the written words. You miss so many other signs or parts of expression. It is easy to misunderstand someone in writing, and I think many of us are guilty of adding extras like emoji or words to try to control how a statement might be taken when written. If they only could see me smiling they would realize what I am trying to say! I also think that it is really hard to know someone after only a few dates. But, you do have to have something that keeps you interested if you will want to move forward, and I think if that is not there on a date, then that is a sign to stop seeing that person.
I am not ready to pop into the dating pool again just yet, but when I do, I will most likely do OLD again. I do think it’s a great way to meet people outside of your own pool. Plus, having the profiles allow you to narrow in on people that at least have shared interests in common (which only physical attributes are seen at the bar scene for example). I think what I have learned is that meeting someone in person is the best way to tell if you want a second date. So yes, I will start with a few short communications to establish initial interest, but then I think a coffee or drink date in the next best choice. If you enjoy that quick date, then you can move on to something longer like dinner. Each time only moving forward if you are still finding anything of interest there. If you are spacing out and not feeling interest, that is a sure sign that this is not a match.
Looking back, there were red flags immediately on my first real date with my STBXH. So, even though I ended up with a poor choice that time, I think I have learned a lot about how to identify red flags now, and I would feel a little better about dating in the future. Sure, I think it will be harder as I will be much more picky on my choices and more critical of behaviors (and probably more suspicious), but that is because of what I have experienced in my life so far. That is okay. I do think I will need to be careful about remaining curious and open and not overreacting to perceived red flags. I think the discomfort of dating at our ages and after divorces, etc has affected how we all come across. How could it not? So be open enough to to dig deeper, but also discerning enough to spot the solid red flags. That will be my goal anyway. Easier said than done I suppose.
I am also planning to try to find some meetup groups to find others with similar interests. Or clubs, or other groups based on activities I enjoy. I’d love to meet someone more organically through one of these other outlets if at all possible, but OLD will still have it’s place. I think the key for me will be to try to enjoy each encounter for what it is versus looking at any of these encounters as long term. For me, I think I will feel too much pressure if I try to look at any of these encounters as possible long term partners. But that is just me.
Anyway, I’m not sure if any of these musings are helpful or not. Ginger, dating is not easy…but I admire that you are putting yourself out there anyway.
((Ginger))
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
Sorry your date didn’t work out Ginger but good for you for giving it a shot. I do think it was a lot like I experienced with VP although we were probably a bit more of a match. We had a lot in common and similar childhoods…lots of things to build a friendship. However…there was no spark and like you observed in your date, I didn’t laugh much. That one is huge for me.
LH - Just need to clarify. When I said 1 in 200, I didn’t mean that I respond to 1 in 200 messages. I meant that about 1 in 200 profiles are appealing to me. Honestly…I am shocked at how little effort people put into their profiles or how many come across as having lost interest in caring for themselves. It’s like they decided to say… “here’s me at my worst…if you are interested, hit me up.” Ummm…no thanks, I’d rather be single. I actually don’t think I’m that picky. I’m just looking for someone who has their life together that I’m attracted to. Someone in that second 40% that you were talking about because that’s where I see myself as well. If I don’t find that person, I’m okay with it. I am finding myself increasingly comfortable with the idea that I might be single for the rest of my life. I’m okay with it.
Plus, having the profiles allow you to narrow in on people that at least have shared interests in common (which only physical attributes are seen at the bar scene for example).
It is easy to misunderstand someone in writing
I think what I have learned is that meeting someone in person is the best way to tell if you want a second date.
I am also planning to try to find some meetup groups to find others with similar interests. Or clubs, or other groups based on activities I enjoy. I’d love to meet someone more organically through one of these other outlets
Agree 100%--the perk of online dating is knowing you have interests and compatibilities and goals in common. You can get most of that from an activities group. Bar scenes, not so much! I remember I stopped doing "cold" pickups when I discovered, on a first date with a gorgeous lady I picked up, kids were a dealbreaker for her AND she had an off-and-on boyfriend.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
If you are spacing out and not feeling interest, that is a sure sign that this is not a match.
I agree in general and for this guy. Seeing first dates as JUST a fun encounter may help. Given how few second dates she goes on, hitting the pause button before saying "No" may help. Sometimes a spark takes time to develop. When you're not spacing out around someone, lol.
Well like I said, if you are not picky and you are only interested in 1 of 200 male profiles it definitely does not bode well for the male species.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I’m just looking for someone who has their life together that I’m attracted to. Someone in that second 40% that you were talking about because that’s where I see myself as well.
Well this is where the numbers don't jive D. 1/200 is .05% so you that is where you really see yourself. This is the problem with OLDing most people are unaware of where they are in the market. Like the main reason we are here. Unmet expectations.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
If I don’t find that person, I’m okay with it. I am finding myself increasingly comfortable with the idea that I might be single for the rest of my life. I’m okay with it.
See this is the key that will keep you from being frustrated by it.
LH - would you think it reasonable to go out to a bar 4 or 5 times before meeting someone you are excited to date? That would be about 1 in 200.
I’m not sure how my statistics would have looked, but maybe similar. I looked for people with 80% match or better on the questionnaire - presumably that left out 80%. (Not that I didn’t talk to some with lower scores that contacted me, but they were never a good match I found). I eliminated those with bad grammar - although I don’t need someone with a formal education, I DO need someone who is smart. Then eliminated the ones I clearly didn’t think I could find attractive IRL, or the ones that were weird (the guy in his bathrobe holding a live duck comes to mind!) . Eliminated the ones that had dealbreakers in their profiles (smokers, right wing conservatives, guys who haven’t listened to any new music since 1969, obvious misogynists, nude bathroom mirror selfies ). Eliminated those with young children. Eliminated those whose passion was boating (I have the world’s worst seasickness!).
So maybe the key to success IS being picky? At least, in winnowing down to a pile of likely candidates that you’re more likely to click with? All the guys I ended up dating that I met through OLD were smart. (Even crazy ExBF, although woefully undereducated, was smart in many ways. Spa Guy, although he only had a high school education, was brilliant and well- read.)
LH - would you think it reasonable to go out to a bar 4 or 5 times before meeting someone you are excited to date? That would be about 1 in 200.
So you are going to get a decent idea of 200 dudes going to a bar 4 or 5 times? That's like talking to 40 dudes a night.
Originally Posted by kml
So maybe the key to success IS being picky?
I think it's good to be picky and no one should settle for less then what they are looking for. I am just trying to explain why IMO why Don, Ginger, BL etc are frustrated by it. Deja views herself as a 40 percenter but is looking for a .05 percenter. That is a big variance. This is why men get 1 response in 120 messages and it can be frustrating and debilitating to your self esteem. That's probably why the half a$$ profiles because they have given up.
. Deja views herself as a 40 percenter but is looking for a .05 percenter. That is a big variance.
Let's also not forget that is just a interest. Then there has to be a mutual interest on his part. Then he has to not over pursue, say the wrong thing that turns her off. He has to set a date and then go on the date and they have to both have the very famous "spark". That cuts it down to about .0000001% lol.
