Clearly a glutton for punishment

[Elbereth]

I met my STBXH on OkCupid. I think I was a match for him and he reached out first. Previous to meeting him I had been corresponding with a guy who lived part of the year in another state. We wrote a lot, he was funny, our letters were long and I was so excited to meet him in person. When I finally did, there was absolutely no physical chemistry. We went out a few more times to be sure, but in the end there was no physical attraction. He was a great guy and we remained friends, but no attraction.

So when my STBXH reached out to me, and was writing me long notes (which was his style), I was very resistant to engage. I ended up being short in my answers and waited until we met in person to fully engage. And look, he turned out to be a covert narcissist.

My point is, that dating in any form is really hard. There can be so many reasons why someone comes across as they do, and it could be for completely valid reasons. It is very hard to know a person by just the written words. You miss so many other signs or parts of expression. It is easy to misunderstand someone in writing, and I think many of us are guilty of adding extras like emoji or words to try to control how a statement might be taken when written. If they only could see me smiling they would realize what I am trying to say! I also think that it is really hard to know someone after only a few dates. But, you do have to have something that keeps you interested if you will want to move forward, and I think if that is not there on a date, then that is a sign to stop seeing that person.

I am not ready to pop into the dating pool again just yet, but when I do, I will most likely do OLD again. I do think it’s a great way to meet people outside of your own pool. Plus, having the profiles allow you to narrow in on people that at least have shared interests in common (which only physical attributes are seen at the bar scene for example). I think what I have learned is that meeting someone in person is the best way to tell if you want a second date. So yes, I will start with a few short communications to establish initial interest, but then I think a coffee or drink date in the next best choice. If you enjoy that quick date, then you can move on to something longer like dinner. Each time only moving forward if you are still finding anything of interest there. If you are spacing out and not feeling interest, that is a sure sign that this is not a match.

Looking back, there were red flags immediately on my first real date with my STBXH. So, even though I ended up with a poor choice that time, I think I have learned a lot about how to identify red flags now, and I would feel a little better about dating in the future. Sure, I think it will be harder as I will be much more picky on my choices and more critical of behaviors (and probably more suspicious), but that is because of what I have experienced in my life so far. That is okay. I do think I will need to be careful about remaining curious and open and not overreacting to perceived red flags. I think the discomfort of dating at our ages and after divorces, etc has affected how we all come across. How could it not? So be open enough to to dig deeper, but also discerning enough to spot the solid red flags. That will be my goal anyway. Easier said than done I suppose.

I am also planning to try to find some meetup groups to find others with similar interests. Or clubs, or other groups based on activities I enjoy. I’d love to meet someone more organically through one of these other outlets if at all possible, but OLD will still have it’s place. I think the key for me will be to try to enjoy each encounter for what it is versus looking at any of these encounters as long term. For me, I think I will feel too much pressure if I try to look at any of these encounters as possible long term partners. But that is just me.

Anyway, I’m not sure if any of these musings are helpful or not. Ginger, dating is not easy…but I admire that you are putting yourself out there anyway.

((Ginger))

El