I don’t mind the hi Jack. It all depends on what we identify as “works”. Does getting a date mean it “worked” does getting a match mean it “worked” does getting married mean it “ worked”
UUUUuuuummmm getting dates means it is working, that is what OLDing is for. If you were sending out resumes and were getting job interviews but not getting the job, would you blame it on your resume or your interviewing skills or maybe the job wasn't the right fit?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
For me personally, I don’t feel OLD has worked.
That's because you have one goal in mind and that is a LTR. Again this isn't OLDings fault.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
The longest R o got from it was a year.
I'd say that is not bad. 50% of people can't get a date. 35% of people can't even get a response to 1 message.
Here is MY opinion on OLDing based on experience, research etc. OLD is great for the top 10% of men. They own the market and have the choice to date any woman they want. To be in the top 10% your SMV (sexual market value) includes the following: You must be a least 6 feet tall, you must make at least 6 figures and you must be good looking and in really great shape. Most of these men are obviously confident and well ad versed in "game" strategy. No need to have just one when they can have them all with little or no effort. When you read woman writing in their profiles "please no games or hookups" this is exactly what they are talking about. That got played by a 10% probably at least a few times. Then next 10-40% of men can get matches and dates based on what is thrown aside by the top 10%. Women typically prefer to date up (hypergamy) so 9s will only date 10s 8s will only date 9s etc until they have had enough. If you don't believe me Dejavu is social proof on the board 1 out of 200. Eventually a woman may get tired of getting played and will give us average Joes a chance. So for the bottom 50% for men and women it can be a rough go. Either no dates or not returned messages. Remember we are all just monkeys with our lizard brains banging away on our cellphones swiping on what our brains perceive are a match for reproduction and survival.
Like I said, OLD isn’t working for me. I’m not looking to just hook up, then yea, I could say it worked for me. If I am looking for something that can turn serious, then no, it has not worked for me. It’s a relative and personalized and some stupid statistics that are horribly skewed and don’t account for preferences don’t give the whole picture.
Absolutely. Being accommodating and so flexible and forgiving of too much sh!t probably pisses guys off and comes off as not genuine. It’s annoying, quite honestly.
I think what you're talking about is someone who is a people pleaser of the hopeless variety. and, no, it's not genuine, nor does it engender a feeling of trust.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Well put, butterfly! Being truly flexible and forgiving are good qualities.
@Ginger, sorry your date didn’t go swimmingly. Props to Home Depot guy if he helped you without the goal of swapping digits! I was hopeful coming in with such low expectations you might have a shot, lol. I’m curious—we’re you open about the items that caused you pause such as choosing alimony over custody or his excitement level to see if there was a misunderstanding? Was he bad company and you truly wanted to get home, or as enjoyable as an acquaintance and worth seeing if he grows on you?
I used to be a people pleaser myself. I know that probably didn’t come off so genuine. I’m aware and working towards changing it. I may try an al anon meeting rather than IC for now. It might help me relate and understand more of my own behaviors .
No, T- it was a first date. I didn’t delve into that. I didn’t feel the romantic connection, so there was no need for him to dig that up. I didn’t laugh and zoned out at one point of the date when he was detailing some internet hobby. I really do think he is a nice guy and would be a great match for someone, but that someone isn’t me. I told him that just now . No response. He usually responds in a second time Hey, maybe it’s my loss, who knows?
I hate doing it. But just like when a guy says the same to me, I feel the disappointment if I was interested, but he’s isn’t responsible for it just like I’m not responsible for his. Disappointment is just a part of life
. I mean, the addict in my life has been for 20 years, is it silly to go?
ACOA is different from Alanon - it’s for people who are dealing with how a childhood like yours is shaping their behaviors in their adult life. It doesn’t matter at all that your mom is gone. I do think it would be helpful for you.
As for LH’s comment about “hypergamy” - actually studies by OKCupid show that while both sexes aim above their own attractiveness in OLD, men do this a lot more.
G - sorry the date turned out to be a bust. This is a guy who should have been a coffee date. Talking about his “dorky” hobbies - do you think he might have been on the spectrum? I was reading a Ted talk synopsis about what makes people “creepy” - and how most of it isn’t actually what true creeps present as. Reading the description I thought people on the spectrum fit a lot of the things we think of as “creepy”. Which is too bad because they are often quite loyal and kind.
The truth is, the first online date is like the conversation you have with someone upon meeting at a party or a bar. It’s where you find out enough about them to decide whether you want to go on a real date with them or not. You just talked to this guy at a party and found out he’s not for you. Young people meet tons of people that way who aren’t for them before they meet someone who is.
Trying to think back on my OLDing days to see why it worked for me. First - I liked the OKCupid platform because profiles were fairly long and I could also see the score of how closely we matched on a series of questions about values and attitudes. That did seem to be a fair indicator. I think it helped me screen out a lot of incompatible people right off the bat.
Second - I think at least half of the men I dated were men I contacted first. Did this translate into “punching above my weight” because these men hadn’t contacted me first but were interested once we started talking? I don’t know. I know sometimes I was above their stated age range (as in, they stated something like 2 years older to ten years younger, and maybe I was 5 years older) but that seldom seemed to make a difference to them. (Maybe guys are just so tired of rejection that they’re interested in a woman who will reach out? Or maybe they had an antiquated idea of what a woman slightly older than them would look like and I messed with their preconceptions?)
Third - I was open to men of other races. 2 of my 3 longest post-divorce relationships were with men of color. (Although my exH was white, I had had relationships with a couple of African American men in my twenties as well). Plus the only date who picked me up IRL, Mr Big Lots, happened to be African-American as well.
Four - I scrutinized their profiles closely for clues. I think I was able to rule out a lot of people this way who would have otherwise been failed dates.
