Re: alanon. I thought about it a bit. I mean, the addict in my life has been for 20 years, is it silly to go? I’m not having to deal with her anymore. ( that sounds bad, not the way I meant it) but I guess the aftermath was still there. When I was 8 I actually attended a lot of my moms NA meetings. They are the same as AA meetings. I was there because there was no sitter. I remember some of it. The serenity prayer always sticks with me. I have my moms NA book. Lots of her friends in rehab signed it. It is also a great read. My mom was a lot like me in a way. There for everyone. The positive person who helped the other addicts out. Meanwhile, she suffered inside.
Re: me being hard on myself. Many people seem to think that, lol. I have always been OK with being mediocre. I was an average student. I never excelled at anything Growing up. I was just there. I was not memorable . I always had friends, friends was never an issue. Thankfully? My mom was clean from the age of 8-17 and I could feel OK having friends over . Although she was the “cool” mom who gave my friends cigarettes.
I am hard on myself on a very particular way. I hate to hurt others, and I hate when others hurt. And I think I would allow myself to hurt to take away another’s pain. Not healthy, I know. Given all my life experiences my empathy is strong and I’ve been in a lot of positions where I have felt some serious emotional pain. So I am always scared to cause that for someone else. If that makes any sense. But other peoples emotions aren’t my responsibility.
I have also seen many people not take responsibility for stuff in their lives. Make excuses why what they have done is Ok. I used to be very stubborn when I was much younger get, have a hard to admitting to being wrong. I had a lot of my dad in me. I felt like admitting k was wrong about something made me a bad person. I also know I got on my high horse often and was less forgiving for a period of time ( thanks dad) and it hurt my marriage a bit. I take fault. In my ex’s family you could be sh!try and get away with it. I never let anyone get away with. There were times I should have sucked things up and I didn’t. I spoke when o should have [censored] up, and I shut up when I should have spoke up . I believe in learning and growing . And I’m hard on myself because I have no problems admitting when I’m wrong and learning from it, and I want to grow. But I think pendulum swung and I take responsibility for lots that I shouldn’t now. I also feel like if k keep working, I am open to change and seeing my flaws, that I will eventually be lovable and someone might choose me.
I am sorts of messed ip. Still at 41. I wish I was just simple and clueless sometimes . I think I have had too much experience of the hard stuff in this world, and I simply know too much. I hope my daughter knows enough in this world to grow, but not enough in this world to be heavily affected by pain in hardship. So far, so good
