V- I promise you, it’s not as simple as the morning texts. I’m not that difficult now or shallow. It’s the double and triple texting until I spoke up about it. And other things. When you have nothing much but a few pictures ( I’m honestly not attracted to his pictures, and by that, I don’t mean he’s ugly. I just feel zero excitement towards them) I’m not being some stick up B because he’s texting in the morning. He does wake up early, this I know. Trying to make it big on the stock market or something. I’m also not shallow, It happens to be one of my favorite chain restaurants and maybe he is excited to get out, but repeating it over and over is a lot of pressure for someone I have never met . I am going into this with an open mind though. But whatever the result is at the end of it, I’m going to be perfectly open and honest.
I never said or thought you were any of those things... It was more jokingly than that but my point still stands for me. Your feelings and perceptions are yours. If you feel pressure from his communication style.. that is not for him to own rather than for you. You can still decide to not pursue this guy and that's fine... just a suggestion to do it without judgement because of your own past struggles.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
UR- quite honestly, it’s been my biggest breakthrough I think. Maybe the one I was waiting for. I am very much me and I am genuine. I just hold back the parts where I want to call on [censored]. I think sometimes it’s because I’m being an unreasonable B- itch. But no, I need to just let people know what’s up. With M, I would do it sometimes. He would defend himself…… then he would actually show me something . Like when I told him I was done telling me daughter when we were around friends and family on my side, she had to not mention he was my BF because of his son. I told him it just wasn’t fair or right and upsetting to me. He got defensive. Then must have thought about it, and made that grad display of asking me to be his GF in front of his son and D . I’m sure it has to do with my childhood and maybe even my adulthood. I call my dad on his sh!t as an adult, never goes well. I called my mom on her sh!t never went well. My cousin who I’ve had a Rocky sister like relationship with, I call her on her shot, rarely goes well. It’s probably because I am truly a nice and accommodating person, and cool as a cucumber until I’ve had enough. Then I have had enough, and you know, it, lol.
I want to come as I am with absolutely no fears anymore. And obviously, I know I’ll be fine if someone doesn’t like it. Look at me. I’ve been surviving forever. The one way I have not been find since my last relationship is I can’t get close to anyone anymore and I can’t feel safe with a guy. It’s a crappy feeling. And I’m sure that also has to do with me never being able to feel safe with my own parents. Mostly my mom. I was a really good kid growing up. Trying to do everything right. I’m hopes of my mom maybe finally caring. Nope, really never happened.
I'm dealing with this in therapy myself at the moment. It's not fun so I feel ya. Have you done the work on what feels "safe" for you?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
So, my hope is, I can be vulnerable again, I can show the pretty and the ugly, and I’m appreciated for both. Not out of desperation from the other person. BecUse someone still likes the good stuff, and understands the bad stuff.
I think this is a valid goal... but have you accepted the pretty and ugly in yourself first? You seem pretty hard on yourself sometimes based off of what you have posted. That the need to be good, do everything right, seems to have followed your into adulthood.
I hope tonight's date provides a little relief from the stress you are currently facing.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
And I’m sure that also has to do with me never being able to feel safe with my own parents. Mostly my mom. I was a really good kid growing up. Trying to do everything right. I’m hopes of my mom maybe finally caring. Nope, really never happened.
G - have you ever tried an ACOA group? I know alcohol wasn't involved, but in many ways you are like an adult child of an alcoholic - having to be the little adult, never getting what you need from your parents. I think you would find it helpful.
But the study shows it DOES work for most people. That's the point. It's where most people are meeting their partners.
I leave it to Don to respond to this statement.
I think I found the study. Its mentions that a higher percentage of people meet or date using online dating which is likely true however we've been in a pandemic and less people are dating overall so the higher percentage doesnt correlate with success for more people it just means more of the few that date, find each other online. If the entire world only used online dating, and one couple formed while the rest of the world was single, then the rate of matching with online dating versus other methods would be 100% in their model.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
We got some old data then and the other point remains. Lived experience is the best evidence. Stats and analysis is often about perception and what message one wants to get across.
-Sorry for the hijack Ginger
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I don’t mind the hi Jack. It all depends on what we identify as “works”. Does getting a date mean it “worked” does getting a match mean it “worked” does getting married mean it “ worked” For me personally, I don’t feel OLD has worked. The longest R o got from it was a year. I’ve went on many many dates, I’ve gotten a lot of matches. But I’m still over here single and grinding at this. Do I know people who have had LTR’s or marriage from OLD? Yes. Do I know “most” people who do? No. Is it sucking my soul dry as of now after all of these years? Yes. But I think dating in general is.
I did go on the date last night although I had a crappy day and had so much to do. Went and picked my door from Home Depot on the way. I said I didn’t need help getting it in the car. I was struggling an a bit getting it to fix and a guy in the parking lot losing the car came over and offered to help. I was very thankful. I always feel this sense of relief when I get a reminder there are still kind strangers in the world.
As for the date. He’s a nice guy. No doubt. He recently lost weight and it was apparent he’s stil hasn’t updated his wardrobe, his clothes were too big. It looked like he was playing dress up in dads closet. He did smell good though. He was perfectly a kind man. He eluded to some medical problems he had, what he used to do for a living , how he lost that job and ended up in the one he had. Went on about his “dorky” hobbies in detail and I found my mind going elsewhere, lol. I noticed I didn’t laugh at all. Not much of humor there. When we sat down, he told me he told his boys where he was going tonight and what he was doing. He said “I told them not to text for the play by play” he said they are interested because they want to see him happy. This is what I mean by too pressure! Dude, don’t tell me that! Time to Pay came and I offered to pay half. He said “ no, I am old fashioned, when I like a girl and I invite her out, k pay” and he took out his cash. Hug at the end of the night.
I tried to probe a little because I don’t understand how he has a house with a pool and a hot tub on a pizza delivery man salary. And I’m pretty sure I figured it out. His job wasn’t all that high earning before either. I think he is on social security disability and the pizza place pays him cash. Something isn’t adding up how he would have to pay alimony, because is certainly not the high earner. He was scared at COVID and just chose not to work at that time. How he survived, I don’t know. Something just wasn’t adding up.
Well, I got the text that he had a great time and wants to go out again. So now it is my responsibility to not ghost and be honest.
Yeah, it stinks when the ones you like aren’t interested or interested in real dating ( I mean, there were probably 2 of those for me) and the ones you aren’t interested in want a second date. Deja, I imagine this is much what you felt like with your guy. I mean, this guy on paper wasn’t even right for me, but the dread and zero connection is something you kind of can’t change. But I did take Valeskas suggestion and went in there with an open mind. It just didn’t end up taking a turn for the better.
Re: alanon. I thought about it a bit. I mean, the addict in my life has been for 20 years, is it silly to go? I’m not having to deal with her anymore. ( that sounds bad, not the way I meant it) but I guess the aftermath was still there. When I was 8 I actually attended a lot of my moms NA meetings. They are the same as AA meetings. I was there because there was no sitter. I remember some of it. The serenity prayer always sticks with me. I have my moms NA book. Lots of her friends in rehab signed it. It is also a great read. My mom was a lot like me in a way. There for everyone. The positive person who helped the other addicts out. Meanwhile, she suffered inside.
Re: me being hard on myself. Many people seem to think that, lol. I have always been OK with being mediocre. I was an average student. I never excelled at anything Growing up. I was just there. I was not memorable . I always had friends, friends was never an issue. Thankfully? My mom was clean from the age of 8-17 and I could feel OK having friends over . Although she was the “cool” mom who gave my friends cigarettes.
I am hard on myself on a very particular way. I hate to hurt others, and I hate when others hurt. And I think I would allow myself to hurt to take away another’s pain. Not healthy, I know. Given all my life experiences my empathy is strong and I’ve been in a lot of positions where I have felt some serious emotional pain. So I am always scared to cause that for someone else. If that makes any sense. But other peoples emotions aren’t my responsibility.
I have also seen many people not take responsibility for stuff in their lives. Make excuses why what they have done is Ok. I used to be very stubborn when I was much younger get, have a hard to admitting to being wrong. I had a lot of my dad in me. I felt like admitting k was wrong about something made me a bad person. I also know I got on my high horse often and was less forgiving for a period of time ( thanks dad) and it hurt my marriage a bit. I take fault. In my ex’s family you could be sh!try and get away with it. I never let anyone get away with. There were times I should have sucked things up and I didn’t. I spoke when o should have [censored] up, and I shut up when I should have spoke up . I believe in learning and growing . And I’m hard on myself because I have no problems admitting when I’m wrong and learning from it, and I want to grow. But I think pendulum swung and I take responsibility for lots that I shouldn’t now. I also feel like if k keep working, I am open to change and seeing my flaws, that I will eventually be lovable and someone might choose me.
I am sorts of messed ip. Still at 41. I wish I was just simple and clueless sometimes . I think I have had too much experience of the hard stuff in this world, and I simply know too much. I hope my daughter knows enough in this world to grow, but not enough in this world to be heavily affected by pain in hardship. So far, so good
