Clearly a glutton for punishment

[Valeska19]

V- I promise you, it’s not as simple as the morning texts. I’m not that difficult now or shallow. It’s the double and triple texting until I spoke up about it. And other things. When you have nothing much but a few pictures ( I’m honestly not attracted to his pictures, and by that, I don’t mean he’s ugly. I just feel zero excitement towards them) I’m not being some stick up B because he’s texting in the morning. He does wake up early, this I know. Trying to make it big on the stock market or something. I’m also not shallow, It happens to be one of my favorite chain restaurants and maybe he is excited to get out, but repeating it over and over is a lot of pressure for someone I have never met . I am going into this with an open mind though. But whatever the result is at the end of it, I’m going to be perfectly open and honest.

I never said or thought you were any of those things... It was more jokingly than that but my point still stands for me. Your feelings and perceptions are yours. If you feel pressure from his communication style.. that is not for him to own rather than for you. You can still decide to not pursue this guy and that's fine... just a suggestion to do it without judgement because of your own past struggles.

UR- quite honestly, it’s been my biggest breakthrough I think. Maybe the one I was waiting for. I am very much me and I am genuine. I just hold back the parts where I want to call on [censored]. I think sometimes it’s because I’m being an unreasonable B- itch. But no, I need to just let people know what’s up. With M, I would do it sometimes. He would defend himself…… then he would actually show me something . Like when I told him I was done telling me daughter when we were around friends and family on my side, she had to not mention he was my BF because of his son. I told him it just wasn’t fair or right and upsetting to me. He got defensive. Then must have thought about it, and made that grad display of asking me to be his GF in front of his son and D . I’m sure it has to do with my childhood and maybe even my adulthood. I call my dad on his sh!t as an adult, never goes well. I called my mom on her sh!t never went well. My cousin who I’ve had a Rocky sister like relationship with, I call her on her shot, rarely goes well. It’s probably because I am truly a nice and accommodating person, and cool as a cucumber until I’ve had enough. Then I have had enough, and you know, it, lol.

I want to come as I am with absolutely no fears anymore. And obviously, I know I’ll be fine if someone doesn’t like it. Look at me. I’ve been surviving forever. The one way I have not been find since my last relationship is I can’t get close to anyone anymore and I can’t feel safe with a guy. It’s a crappy feeling. And I’m sure that also has to do with me never being able to feel safe with my own parents. Mostly my mom. I was a really good kid growing up. Trying to do everything right. I’m hopes of my mom maybe finally caring. Nope, really never happened.

I'm dealing with this in therapy myself at the moment. It's not fun so I feel ya. Have you done the work on what feels "safe" for you?

So, my hope is, I can be vulnerable again, I can show the pretty and the ugly, and I’m appreciated for both. Not out of desperation from the other person. BecUse someone still likes the good stuff, and understands the bad stuff.

I think this is a valid goal... but have you accepted the pretty and ugly in yourself first? You seem pretty hard on yourself sometimes based off of what you have posted. That the need to be good, do everything right, seems to have followed your into adulthood.

I hope tonight's date provides a little relief from the stress you are currently facing.