Create the life...

[Elbereth]

On a positive note, I met with my financial folks and got some details on my situation for the divorce as well as some idea of how my future might look. And even if it isn’t the greatest, it also isn’t dire. So that did rest a lot of fears in my head and gave me some comfort.

Work is getting even more crazy. Key management and employees are jumping ship. All our expenses and work are being micromanaged by the parent company. My invoices are now being paid over thirty days late, and I am not secure in knowing that the hours I continue to work will be paid. I also have no contract. So a lot of insecurity and stress there too.

My STBXH texted me to ask if I could meet him for a drink. I thought WTF? At no time since he moved out has there been a meeting for anything other than working through something that needed to happen. Definitely, nothing that is social like a drink. It seemed very out of the blue and I didn’t even realize he was in town (without the OW apparently). I replied that I preferred to text and we just discussed the kids and parents and nothing specific. I did hear that he saw his sister after I did, so maybe that triggered something. I also heard from one of his friends that he reached out to him as well…which was the first convo in a very long time. I know I shouldn’t try to analyze any of these behaviors, but it’s hard not to after so much time where things have been going the same. Maybe he’s starting to awaken to the damage that he has done. If so, then that is a good thing.

Mentally, I am just in freeze mode and I’m struggling to get myself out of it. With all the loneliness and uncertainty in my life along with the unease about what is happening in the broader world right now (and a real danger of WW3) I’m really finding it difficult to move forward. I forced myself to go for a walk yesterday and I’m trying to do self care. I think I have been such a strong person in my life and all of this has just shattered me so much that I am finding it hard to function now that I no longer feel any control over my life or my future. Logically, I know this is not fully true. I logically realize there are things I can do that I do have control over, I’m just struggling to get my body to do them. I’m reading the Abandonment book and it has exercises to counter this, so I hope to try to get into those. Some of this is also probably around learning how to handle my emotions without the antidepressants. As I have been on them for so long, it makes sense that I would have to relearn some of the ways of getting through them. That was my goal after all for getting off of them. And I was tired of feeling numb…even if feeling frozen is pretty similar.

Well, it’s the weekend and I should try to focus on some tasks on my plate that I’ve been putting off. Thanks friends for listening and for being here for me. And for your encouragement.

El