WW: "I'm not going to let you make me feel guilty"

[LH19]

[quote=Drh2001] She told me she will "unblock my number" so for a short time we texted about the kids. One morning I was driving my kid to school and she said "Mommy doesn't like it when you talk to her cousin."

So she has you blocked and you have her blocked. Shouldn't be much communication.

I did text exWW to tell her that my keeping in touch with this person has nothing to do with her and wasn't done to spite her or cause problems.

So as others have said, no need for this text.

She wrote back and had the nerve to tell me that it hurts her when I talk to her cousin and crosses a boundary.

Si how about practicing validation here? "I understand why you feel this way."

I told her not to talk about herself and boundaries in the same sentence and reminded her that she destroyed my relationship with her sister and another friend of the family.

So this is you trying to control her.

She responded that I had lost the respect of her sister and another friend even though they were the ones who aided and abetted her adultery and told her to cover her tracks, delete her emails etc.

Why are you mad about the destroyed relationship with her sister when she helped her leave you?

There was nothing abusive or rude about the texts I send her. Her last text to me was "Good bye"

Well trying to control someone is abusive and I can understand why she said good bye.

I told her I would block her again and did. I also blocked her email. The only contact we have is through Google calendar which is solely used for the kids.

So if there is an emergency with the kids how can she get a hold of you?

Why should I have to lose my existing good relationships with ppl because exWW dug a hole for herself?

Well you don't necessarily have to but some relationships are lost during divorce. Unfortunately it is part of the process.

On rare occasions, if I'm in the neighborhood, I'll stop by with the kids so they can still have that contact with family. Obviously I told the cousin that I could no longer attend family events since I am divorced but I'm ok with stopping by to check in on her. Why should the kids be deprived of family?

I see nothing wrong with this and you should continue if you like.

exWW has not changed her attitude one bit. She is still wayward in every sense. She resents me because I refuse to speak with her and says "you can't make me disappear". She doe not want to accept that things have changed due to her actions. She wants everything to continue as it once was with no consequences of any kind. The fallout from her actions has affected the family and extended family.

Well you know from Sandi's thread they do tend to live in fantasy land.

I wrote exWW a final email telling her that if you can't take ownership, accountability and responsibility for what you have done, then I want nothing more to do with you and please don't ever contact me again.

What does taking ownership, accountability and responsibility for what you have done look like? An apology? A gift card? I am curious.

I recently read something interesting, that if you start acting friendly and chummy with a wayward, it teaches kids that it's okay for a parent to commit adultery, break up a family because in the end, everyone will be friends again.

I think there is some validity to this article. Lots of open ground to being cordial on kid related items and being BFFs.

If I were to go this route I would be disrespecting myself and next thing I would be chummy with OM.

Again lots of open ground up to BFFs with OM.

Associating with an exWW would be akin to swimming in a pool and expecting to get out without smelling of chlorine.

huh?

Sandy was correct when she mentioned waywardness is like a disease that affects everyone around a WW and I don't want to disrespect myself by associating with her.

Are you afraid you will catch it?

On a reddit threat it spoke about no contact having an effect - first there is loss of the BS, followed by "loss consciousness" which is awareness the BS has disappeared. Then comes "fault consciousness" which is when the wayward realized that mistakes have been made and a line has been crossed.

Just so you know most don't ever realize/think they did anything wrong.

Without "loss and fault consciousness" a wayward will never become fully aware of what they have done and the effects it has had.

I would not hold your breath DRH.

I'm not doing this to get her back because I don't think I would ever want her back even if she did have a change of heart, but neither will I just accept her decisions and her bad behavior because she still has that very resentful, disrespectful and rebellious attitude towards me.

Hmmm. You are not sure so best not to burn a bridge.

She keeps saying what she has done is in the past and I should just move on and let it be but I told her I am living in the present with the consequences of what she has done in the past and they will reverberate into the future.

She's right you should move on. Can't change the past.

So I maintain no contact with exWW and that's just how I like it. I am slowly rebuilding my life and starting to get back into shape. It's a long process though.

It is a long process so keep moving forward.

I told exWW that we could never be friends after what she did and I have stuck to this.

I understand your decision, I just think you should tweak some things.

During the early days after she moved out, she would break the custody agreement and pick the kids up on days and times that weren't hers.

Why did you not contact your lawyer?

She would lie to my kids and tell them she was separated when she was living with me and the kids all the time she was conducting an affair.

Yeah WWs are pretty $hitty people.

She left the marital home and moved immediately to OM's home, while telling me, "anyone would think I left you for OM."

huh?

There was a lot of projection and gaslighting from her to me.

Most certainly but I bet it went both ways.

This is why going dark is necessary. You cannot control a wayward mind nor should you attempt to. They are, as Sandy put it, "in complete rebellion."

Well dark with contact regarding kids.