Brave Little Gerda Knows More Now

[Gerda]

Oh Gerda.

I am so sorry. All of this. It’s unfathomable. There are so many parts of this whole experience that are unfair and frustrating. My heart aches for you. I wish I understood the legal aspects to offer advice or encouragement. But I don’t. I feel like I can’t offer much at all, other than to let you know I see your pain, I am sitting here with you in as much as I can be, and I am so sorry. Sending you lots of hugs and love. And prayers that things turn around soon for you. And that these negatives are offset by some pretty amazing positives.

El

Thank you so much for these kind words, Elbereth -- it really helped a lot to feel your care. The worst part is always the loneliness, and I think that's what hit me so hard about the hearing with the new judge. She hadn't taken the time to look over any of the case, any of the three years of papers and admitted not having read my response papers. But then did something extremely unusual in penalizing me for filing a motion, by forcing me to pay his legal bills. It has a chilling effect on me, thinking that I can't advocate for me or my kids out of fear she will do that again; and also because my H in his delusion is going to trial mostly to get me to pay his 150K legal bill. Before this hearing, I had no fear of that because I "knew" no judge would tell a single mom with no lawyer to pay the legal bills of this absolute total deadbeat dad who refused to follow our agreements to resolve for two years. Now I don't know.

And DnJ, thank you also for checking in on me. I really was hoping for your hug. I am sorry that I have not read your thread in ages and hope all is okay. About proof -- you are right that it's all a wild card even with proof but I felt I had no choice when my daughter was threatening self harm and engaging in some mild self harm in addition to seeming like she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I assure you I had beyond ample proof, I had literally 75 pages of exhibits of proof of changes of circumstances of all kinds. The judge openly admitted to not reading my response papers, saying she had not received them from the previous judge and muted me when I asked why I couldn't get interim child support or why H could claim our kids on his taxes without providing a penny of support and not having seen them for that entire time. Honestly, it was bizarre. Or biblical -- e.g., Pharaoh.

I wonder if I am starting to sound a little crazy, it must seem like so much bad luck in the court system has to be something I am eliciting. I have wondered this at times. (And it's a pattern for me, to feel that who I truly am is not getting through even though I feel I am so clear and honest. Even here on these boards.) I do think pro se litigants irk the judges except the kindest ones. But other than that I think it was just bad luck. I have a friend here in my city who went through a similar situation with an MLCer who did many even crazier things than my H. His judge was very kind, very thorough and laser-focused on the children. His experience was the complete opposite of mine. Someone told me before my first judge was assigned that I would be okay representing myself unless I got Judge X because Judge X did not care about children (and had never been married or had children) and spent her summers in a famous nearby vacation spot with all the high powered divorce attorneys. I got Judge X. And it seems like the new judge who replaced her in divorce court also does not care about children. H's L told her that I only filed for a change in custody to delay this process, and that is why she penalized me.

Today I got one of those insane texts from H, which I have not gotten in a while with him telling me to stop alienating our children and do as the judge had "implored" me to do, to ensure a close relationship between a daughter and her father. He has never admitted he did anything wrong that could have caused that, never wondered why she still doesn't want to see him more than once a week. But he got her to write him all these creepy lovey texts and then he tried to show them to the judge. In his text today he told me he had the texts to prove that D12 wants to be with him and that I am keeping them apart. He never asked what caused this sweet and innocent little girl just a year ago to threaten she would kill herself if she had to see him again or why she has not wanted to sleep over at his place. I have not seen my MLCer get our judge on his side since the early days, before she knew him a little more. This new judge took on day one believing all the lies -- at one point she even said to me, "Mrs. X, your husband is under oath!" as if shocked that I would doubt his word.

But the loss of the custody request is bearable to me. It's the fact that she punished me for trying and that she set a precendent of me paying his legal bills.

Anyway this is all a lot of blah-blah-blah. I know all the details are kind of pointless, I have to find a way to get back on my path, which is looking for the fastest evacuation route out.

My message to any who are reading along is to remember -- if your MLCer is a narcissist, they don't want to finish divorcing you. They want to prolong the drama for as long as possible and to look for ways to get other people to hurt you when you go dark and they can't hurt you anymore. They will use your kids, your finances, the court system, anything they can. They will convince people that you are a bad person and the cause of all their suffering. I have sent dozens of settlement offers to H, his L and even tried his friend and his mom once. Yet he is still trying to go to trial to get me to pay his legal bills by claiming that I delayed this process and "forced" him to keep litigating. He is still trying to get out of our buy out agreement and to force a third-party sale, even though he will make less this way than accepting the buy-out he agreed on two years ago. He wants to see us pushed out, he can't stand that I would stay here and keep the kids in their home. He will literally make 30% less on a third-party sale after taxes and broker fees, etc. He has spent 150K I think on legal fees to try to get me out, two years after I agreed to a 50-50 split on a buy out. It's just not about any pragmatism for these NPD types of MLCers. It's about destroying you.

For the most part I am still trying to walk in the light and to pursue my dreams and to just extricate myself from this situation at a huge loss. But this last conference made me finally understand why people sometimes go for blood in a divorce trial. When someone tortures you for this long, wants to see you suffer this much and will keep the kids in tied in knots for so long in so many ways, you start to want revenge. I will keep battling that in myself and pray that God will keep me from that temptation and just help me get out as fast as I can and help me find other ways to provide for my kids than trying to get anything out of this terrible man or this Bleak House level court.

Will go back to Lent fast now after this MARATHON post but thanks to the two friends who delivered some love here, it helped a lot, truly. And I will try to check in after Lent and see your replies, if any, then.

Love, light and courage -- and CLARITY -- to all.