Living in the Light VII

[Dawn70]

Dawn… I do think you are personalizing this. I’m a stepmother as well and I have a great relationship with my SD22. However, I came along seven years after her birth and had nothing to do with the demise of the relationship between her mom and dad (such as it was…her mom “dated” him when he was engaged to his first wife). In fact, his daughter met both me and XH at around the same time. I am the reason her dad was in her life at all and her mother, as difficult as she is, recognizes this and has told SD how happy she is that I am still in her life and still a big support to her. We aren’t friends but we do have an amicable relationship. It wasn’t easy to get there though because SD’s mom and XH hated each other and I often got the brunt of that from both sides. I became the go between, despite it being an unending source of stress, with the hope that not having to deal with the mom would enable XH to build a better relationship with his daughter. As I have written about on here before, though, it was all for naught as he f’ed it up anyway. So I give stepmothers all the credit in the world…it is a difficult job and it was a horrendous job for me for years.

As you pointed out, though, you came along after his marriage to their mother had ended so you weren’t part of that. This is not that situation and that makes a huge difference. She and XH dragged our kids into their affair by introducing them to her under false pretences months before I had any idea she even existed. A completely selfish move that did not, in any way, reflect any kind of consideration for our kids’ wellbeing. That’s not my definition of love. That aside, I do recognize and appreciate that she is good to my kids and I’ve never said otherwise which is why I write about my feelings in this forum and keep them from my kids. They are my feelings and I get to have them. Maybe I’ll feel differently in a few years, maybe not, but that’s for me to decide.

DV, for clarification, I think you and G are both amazing moms and I wasn't insinuating that either of you don't put your kids first or that you run your XHs and their OW down to your kids because y'all are mature adults who just don't. You both handle that balance well. I also wasn't trying to downplay your feelings or G's because I haven't lived either of your situations. I was merely agreeing with Don that the more who love the kids the better, assuming the other person involved does indeed love and accept the kids. Does it suk? I can't speak to that since I have never given birth, but I would guess it does indeed. Of course you are entitled to your feelings and changing them when you see fit to change them whether that is sooner or later is totally at your discretion.

Yes, I do take discussions of stepparents personally because I have sacrificed for my daughters, helped them financially, dried their tears, bandaged their wounds, and all of the other things a "real" mother does, but in the next breath have been told to my face that I'm not a "real mother" or even a "real woman" because I have never carried a child in my body. F that! I can assure you, and this is not just bragging, that I was a better mom to my XH's daughters than their own mother and their grandmother (their MOTHER's MOTHER) will be the first one in line to tell you that. I must be doing something right if the mother of their mother told me to my face I was a better mom than her own daughter and she appreciated all I did for those girls. I stood in the gap while their own mother ran off and screwed anyone who looked in her direction then chased a married man all over the country trying to pin him down while his wife at the time was pregnant, no less. So, while nothing you said had anything to do with me, I still stand by my agreement with Don that the more who love the kids the better.

As far as your specific situation, DV, your XH is a jerk and you handle it all with class and grace. I can see why you don't cut him slack but I do appreciate that you said that even despite your feelings for him you can appreciate that his partner does care for your kids. That takes a STRONG woman to admit (as both you and G have several times).

Sorry for the hijack. I really do think you are awesome and I apologize for taking things personally. Step-parenting is just a big touchy subject with me.