Dawn… I do think you are personalizing this. I’m a stepmother as well and I have a great relationship with my SD22. However, I came along seven years after her birth and had nothing to do with the demise of the relationship between her mom and dad (such as it was…her mom “dated” him when he was engaged to his first wife). In fact, his daughter met both me and XH at around the same time. I am the reason her dad was in her life at all and her mother, as difficult as she is, recognizes this and has told SD how happy she is that I am still in her life and still a big support to her. We aren’t friends but we do have an amicable relationship. It wasn’t easy to get there though because SD’s mom and XH hated each other and I often got the brunt of that from both sides. I became the go between, despite it being an unending source of stress, with the hope that not having to deal with the mom would enable XH to build a better relationship with his daughter. As I have written about on here before, though, it was all for naught as he f’ed it up anyway. So I give stepmothers all the credit in the world…it is a difficult job and it was a horrendous job for me for years.
As you pointed out, though, you came along after his marriage to their mother had ended so you weren’t part of that. This is not that situation and that makes a huge difference. She and XH dragged our kids into their affair by introducing them to her under false pretences months before I had any idea she even existed. A completely selfish move that did not, in any way, reflect any kind of consideration for our kids’ wellbeing. That’s not my definition of love. That aside, I do recognize and appreciate that she is good to my kids and I’ve never said otherwise which is why I write about my feelings in this forum and keep them from my kids. They are my feelings and I get to have them. Maybe I’ll feel differently in a few years, maybe not, but that’s for me to decide.
DV, for clarification, I think you and G are both amazing moms and I wasn't insinuating that either of you don't put your kids first or that you run your XHs and their OW down to your kids because y'all are mature adults who just don't. You both handle that balance well. I also wasn't trying to downplay your feelings or G's because I haven't lived either of your situations. I was merely agreeing with Don that the more who love the kids the better, assuming the other person involved does indeed love and accept the kids. Does it suk? I can't speak to that since I have never given birth, but I would guess it does indeed. Of course you are entitled to your feelings and changing them when you see fit to change them whether that is sooner or later is totally at your discretion.
Yes, I do take discussions of stepparents personally because I have sacrificed for my daughters, helped them financially, dried their tears, bandaged their wounds, and all of the other things a "real" mother does, but in the next breath have been told to my face that I'm not a "real mother" or even a "real woman" because I have never carried a child in my body. F that! I can assure you, and this is not just bragging, that I was a better mom to my XH's daughters than their own mother and their grandmother (their MOTHER's MOTHER) will be the first one in line to tell you that. I must be doing something right if the mother of their mother told me to my face I was a better mom than her own daughter and she appreciated all I did for those girls. I stood in the gap while their own mother ran off and screwed anyone who looked in her direction then chased a married man all over the country trying to pin him down while his wife at the time was pregnant, no less. So, while nothing you said had anything to do with me, I still stand by my agreement with Don that the more who love the kids the better.
As far as your specific situation, DV, your XH is a jerk and you handle it all with class and grace. I can see why you don't cut him slack but I do appreciate that you said that even despite your feelings for him you can appreciate that his partner does care for your kids. That takes a STRONG woman to admit (as both you and G have several times).
Sorry for the hijack. I really do think you are awesome and I apologize for taking things personally. Step-parenting is just a big touchy subject with me.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
And not to hi Jack, DV seems to have very healthy boundaries. I had mine when my D and OW wanted me to go to a hockey game with them. I couldn’t do it. So I sent my daughter, with her to go watch OUR sport, and even leant OW a team shirt because my D asked me too. Did it hurt me for them to share what my daughter and I have as our special thing. Yup. Did it make me happy she was able to bring my daughter to a her favorite sporting event? Yes.
It’s not easy. And it’s not linear with feelings
This is a great example of what I’m talking about Ginger. It is not black and white and it is not linear. Like you, most of the time, I am just fine but I do have triggers and I’m honest about that. That’s why I am grateful for this forum. If it didn’t exist, I might have sent that passive aggressive text and then regretted it the next morning because I do want to keep things cordial between us. But I learned a long time ago that sometimes it is just better to do nothing which is what I did and today I feel good about it. I think your decision to send your D despite your inner pain around it illustrates just how amazing of a mother you are. Your boundaries are just fine, IMO. (((HUGS)))
I don’t want to speak for DV, however, it’s not about being or acting like a blended family. It’s not that DV isn’t doing what’s right for the kids. She keeps a good friendly, although not friends relationship with the ex and the Wife. She doesn’t keep that because she really likes them, just like I don’t keep mine because I really like them either . It’s good for the kids. We both know it. And it’s good for us too I’m having a collaborative flexible realationship which also benefits us when it comes to parenting.
Like I’ve explained myself, it’s like having 2 very real situations you are trying handle and the feelings that come with them. Just because we do it, doesn’t mean we won’t be affected or triggered by certain things. I think the momma bear still gets triggered and we still haven’t forgotten why we are sharing our children with this OP. So yes, certain things are triggering. It doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate the stepparents being good to our children and caring about them. I know I am Grateful. OW had to pick D 14 up from school yesterday when she called upset about something and I was on a plane. I am thankful she did that. But I can’t forget how she became another person who does those things for her. It’s tough to feel both sides of the coin and separate the feelings.
We are not a blended family, but these are people that are now married to our childrens parents. Those worlds are going to collide. And DV, you handle it like a champ
What Ginger1 wrote really resonates. There's two separate aspects to the situation. One can want what's best for the kids' sake and be friendly to facilitate that, and still be hurt or have triggers related to the Ex and affair partner helping to raise their kids. The two are completely opposite emotions or viewpoints but unfortunately intertwined. As parents we need to take the high road and do what's best for our children, even if it hurts us.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
As you pointed out, though, you came along after his marriage to their mother had ended so you weren’t part of that. This is not that situation and that makes a huge difference.
And I totally agree w/DejaVu6 here. There's a world of difference between being the step parent that had an affair with your spouse and broke the family vs. the one who comes onto the scene years later and played no part in it - much easier for the LBS to accept the latter than the former.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Dawn… I was that step mom for my SD as well so I completely get where you are coming from. Overall, I do not have any issue whatsoever with how OW treats my kids. I know she is good to them and they are extremely loveable so I have no doubt that she loves them too. But…the fact that she met them while he was still married to me (her idea or his, doesn’t really matter) shows such disregard for them that I won’t ever forget that. That is a decision that tells me all I need to know about both of them and whose interests come first. It’s definitely not my kids’.
BTW… I also agree with Don. I do think that kids benefit from having many people love them. Doesn’t mean I have to be completely happy with who those people are.
Mr. Ex-DejaVu if you are reading this you are a D-bag and I would like to kick you in the nuts.
Oooh, oooh, me too! He's in the Dirtbag All-Time Hall of Fame here! Definitely in the top ten, and I'd venture in the top 5 worst H's of all time. The level of lying and the length of time and the suffering it caused his wife and children? Truly beyond the pale. Horrible.
Your ExH and his AFFAIR PARTNER read your threads? Yikes. Classy people.
Did you miss that part of my story BL? That’s where the title of my thread came from. I had an angry text from OW one day about how she and XH had found my thread and had read “every single post” (over 1,000 she said) and that she was upset about what I had said about them. She seemed to think that my version of events was somehow skewed because it didn’t line up with XH’s version…the man who has made a career out of cheating and lying to his significant others. She even dared me to use their real names - clearly not understanding the importance of it being an anonymous site. It was completely bizarre to me that they would stoop that low but even more so that she would then tell me about it…like somehow they were the wronged parties. XH has never said a word to me about it. I’m sure he was none too happy that she did either because I know he is smart enough to know how offside it was/is.
Anyway… at the time, I thought I would just stop posting but then I got really mad that they had violated my privacy in that way and I decided I wasn’t going to allow them to take away the one thing that had kept me sane while all this was going on. DnJ suggested that, rather than run away and hide, I choose to “live in the light” which is what I ultimately decided to do. Hence the name of the thread.
I had (naively) assumed that since the divorce was final and they have gotten married, they would lose interest in what I was doing and stay off of the site but apparently that’s not the case. I guess XH thinks there must be some advantage to knowing what I am thinking instead of just moving on and taking what I choose to show/tell him at face value. Personally, I have no interest in knowing people’s inner thoughts about me and if I were him, having lived his life the way he has, I would definitely not want to know.
Seriously though…XH (or OW… I know it is at least one of you)….because I know you are reading this… do yourself a huge favour and just stop. There is no benefit to you coming on here and looking for inside information. XH - If you truly want to be a good role model for our children, you need to start walking the walk instead of talking the talk. Start with this. Do the right thing. Stop reading my diary. Let me have my thoughts and work through my negative feelings in the best way I know how. You are not doing yourself any favours by reading about the times you p*ss me off. If it is significant enough, I will let you know. If there is something you need to know, just ask me. I am not being dishonest… I don’t tell you certain things for a reason. These are MY feelings and you aren’t entitled to them. You are (both) living the life you want so please, just go away and let me live mine.
Oh yeah, I forgot - skanky ho got her panties in a twist because you told the truth about exH's lying and betrayal - I'd forgotten.
But she thinks she's won the prize because she's got a guy who would cheat on his wife for years and lie about his health to do it? She's gotten exactly what she deserves. And he's gotten exactly what he deserves, a woman of low character.
Thank goodness in a few more years DV you won't have to have any contact beyond weddings and graduations. What a blessing that will be.
I appreciate your support KML but I don’t think she is an awful person. I think she needed someone and he was there and he needed an escape and she was there. I don’t begrudge them any happiness… I really don’t. And I definitely don’t want to roll the dice on my kids having to deal with a second stepmother so I honestly hope it works out for them.
Anyway…hopefully they will just stop caring about what I’m doing and move on from needing to read about it. There is a tiny chance I’m wrong and it was a coincidence that I got his text when I did but I highly doubt it. I learned long ago that when it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck…chances are it’s a duck. This is especially true when it comes to XH. I know he was not thinking about taking them anywhere. He just read what I wrote and needed to prove me wrong. I’m super okay with it though… my kids get to go on a cruise now…lol.
Like I’ve explained myself, it’s like having 2 very real situations you are trying to handle and the feelings that come with them. Just because we do it, doesn’t mean we won’t be affected or triggered by certain things. I think the momma bear still gets triggered and we still haven’t forgotten why we are sharing our children with this OP. So yes, certain things are triggering. It doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate the stepparents being good to our children and caring about them. I know I am Grateful. OW had to pick D 14 up from school yesterday when she called upset about something and I was on a plane. I am thankful she did that. But I can’t forget how she became another person who does those things for her. It’s tough to feel both sides of the coin and separate the feelings.
We are not a blended family, but these are people that are now married to our childrens parents. Those worlds are going to collide. And DV, you handle it like a champ
So much this Ginger!!! You hit the nail on the head. TBH…I don’t know OW well enough to like or dislike her… I just dislike what she did. Anyway, that aside, your example was exactly right. OW took D14 to a medical appointment a month or so ago when neither I nor XH could. She texted me some questions, I sent her information she needed to pass on, etc… it worked out really well and we had a really positive exchange. I was grateful she was able to do it but like you said, I also haven’t forgotten how it came to be that she was in the position of taking my D in the first place. I’m sure there will be many more situations like this in the years to come where I, too, will feel both sides of the coin. And that’s okay. We’re entitled to feel that way. Unless you have been through it, it is very hard to describe what it feels like to give up 50% of your time with your children, the two people you love the most in this world, to a complete stranger. And not only that but you also have to hand them over every week to the one person in the world who is responsible for the most emotional pain you have ever felt in your entire life (talking about XH, not OW). It really is bizarre when you think about it.
