we're done again (#3)

[BL42]

mako,

Good to see an update. I just re-read your thread again to get the full background/context.

After basically dropping the second bomb the end of July, W finally moved out in October.

Sorry the recon didn't work out but it never sounded like she was fully "in" and you mentioned the relationship being in a bad spot for years, so glad to see you're moving forward.

She is about 45 minutes away, and we each have the kids every other week. The older two go to school near my house so on her weeks she brings them over in the morning and picks them up after. That’s really nice cause I get to see them every school day. The youngest goes to day care close to my house, but I don’t usually see her.

Fantastic you get to see your kids on a regular basis during your "OFF" weeks. I have the same luxury in my sitch based on my virtual job and work schedule. Definitely a concern of mine with the D to miss out on half my kids' lives, so have done anything I can to stay engaged.

At first we were selling the house, then I was going to keep it and buy her out, and now I am going to sell it again. It is too big and the land is too much to take care of with one person, we’ve only been here less than 4 years so I’m not very attached, and I don’t particularly like the area. I actually like W’s area, there is a lot more to do there and we used to live there so I am familiar with it. I also dislike being so far from the kids, and it would be 45 minutes closer to my dad and the rest of my family. So I’m thinking of moving around there. I think it would be better for both me and the kids (me a place I like more, the kids not having to commute so far half of the school days).

Sounds like you've given it some thought so don't want to argue with your pros & cons, but believe you should really think about a move like this. Being 45 mins away I assume the kids will have to change schools and perhaps lose some friends? Not the end of the world - many families move (I did in 3rd grade for my dad's job) - but another disruption for them to consider. Also, right now YOU are their home base. They're familiar with your house/town/school. The presumption of the court is typically to have the kids stay in the school/town they're used to unless both parents agree. You get to see them almost every day because W needs you to help before/after school, but if you move closer that may change. And what is W has OM in this other town and you see them around or they break up and she decides to move 45 mins somewhere else? Right now you're the stable constant for the kids and have "home field advantage". You'll be giving that up.

Hate to frame it in a competition between parents because ideally that should not be the case in D, but it often does happen so even if it doesn't feel that way right now, guard yourself against it. I know based on my ExW's family exFIL feels exMIL played every card to "win" the kids. Hopefully that won't be the case in your sitch; just be mindful of the "advantages" you currently have. Hate to sound cynical, just want you to factor in the advantages you currently have.

If it's really best for your kids and for you, then go for it.

I told W early on that D is her want so she needs to deal with the logistics. We have a separation agreement from last March so the financial stuff is agreed to and D wouldn’t be hard, we will just need to have a lawyer finalize certain things with my pension and retirement accounts. I am not in a rush because once it happens I will be paying her almost $2000/month (state formula based on incomes), so if she wants that she can deal with it. She is lazy and I can see it dragging on like this for some time. Whatever, we are D in my mind so it doesn’t matter when it officially happens.

I like the sound of saving $2000/mo - I feel you there! - just make sure to consult with a L to make sure the longer marriage isn't biasing spousal support or any other potential consequences of dragging it out.

I think morally I would not date while still married but I am not ready to date yet so it doesn't matter.

Same here. I respect that stance. You'll be able to say confidently to your kids (and yourself) you dating did not factor into the demise of the marriage / splitting up the family.

One of the more interesting things, to me, is that I am not at all attracted to her anymore. As of last May or June I was still very attracted to her, but now that is not there at all. I think that’s a very good sign for how my detachment has gone.

Agreed - sounds like you're making progress w/detachment.

Being a single parent of three is a lot of work, so on my weeks I am mostly swamped.

I hear you there!

The kids are doing worse than me. The middle one seems fine and never talks about any of this. At least once a week the youngest asks me when Mommy and Daddy will live together again and then goes on about how she wishes that would happen. The oldest has gotten violent at school at times and got suspended once, and he has explicitly said he’s acting out cause he's mad that we are splitting up. He’s in IC too now so I hope he can work through that. I think a lot of times when I get sad I’m sad for the life that I wanted them to have that I know they now won’t. I can do my best for them but nothing will be the same as having their parents together as a loving family. I know I will be alright, they are still my biggest concern in all this.

This is the heartbreaking part to me. You & I having worked to process through everything know we'll be alright, but hate to see anything bad happen to the kids...especially something so life changing and dramatic as splitting their family apart.

Wow your stbxw travels 45 mins everyday on her week so it’s an extra hour and a half out of her day.

I'm also shocked that she does this commute all the time. And it's worse than just commuting because it's here and back twice, so 3 hours a day in the car on her week. Can't imagine her gas expense. [censored] for the kids to spend so much time in the car too. She claimed there were no reasonable places to rent near by, I looked a bit and thought her standards were too high and also thought she was biased because one of her friends from work lives near there, who knows?

Three hours a day! Never doubt the determination of a WW lol. She can’t be liking this gases prices right now lol. Boy your kids are young too and are going to resent her for doing this to them.

This does seem crazy. How can a parent move so far away from your kids' home base? It also sounds untenable. There's another poster (Drh2001?) who's W went as far across state lines and almost as far away and he has the kids most of the weeks. The kids are going to resent her for it, and she's going to start resenting it as well. I know you're considering moving to be closer, but she can't have banked on you doing that. Wonder what her long term plan was? Likely didn't have one. It's going to cause on a strain on her and any potential OM too I bet.

So as always I am curious if an om has popped up?

I have no idea if an OM exists, I wouldn't be surprised since if you recall she was buying new lingerie and carrying around condoms a year ago so why not now.

I wonder if the 45 min move wasn't about another man more so than a reasonable place to rent. Though, like you said it doesn't matter now. Your kids being a little older you'd think you might get a clue about it from them. At least she didn't move a guy right in with them off the bat.

Keep up being a great dad to your kids and keep staying busy on your OFF weeks. You're making progress. You'll get there...