My Story P4...Acceptance of the MLC Madness

[BL42]

Eagle3,

I don't think LH was trying to personally insult you. I'll second what Giner1 says that maybe it's a cultural / language barrier.

The full quote is "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” and is often attributed to Albert Einstein though the true origins are unclear.

Not that you are insane or a bad person, but what LH was getting at is shown right here in what you wrote in response:

The only thing I didn't do was give him up on him emotionally, for 3 years I picked him up when he fell hard. And yes, that was wrong, but if you have shared your life with someone for 18 years, it is very difficult to let that person down. Like DnJ said, he keeps coming back, and I've allowed this. Only the last time he came back (this was 2 months ago) he said that he did not come back to save our M, but because he was so stuck and needed a safe place to land. His actions and words the first weeks told the opposite, however, in the last weeks a complete turnaround (wanting back to OW2, expression of aggression, etc.) which made me realize that I have done enough for him.

Mentally I have made the right decisions, emotionally until recently not. Yes, that was because I loved him deeply.

You're saying you were (maybe are?) still emotionally attached after 3 years and repeatedly welcoming him back, so LH is saying you can't expect different results if you keep doing that same action.

Ground Hogs day is a movie where a guy wakes up and lives the same day every day without anything changing.

Interestingly...the movie LH references is an apt analogy for this board. A good DB study. Groundhog Day is a romantic comedy from the '90s starting Bill Murray. It's pretty funny and worth watching for anyone who hasn't. IMO the plot actually closely follows the script of a DB'ing effort we promote.

Murray's character is a pompous jerk to those people he interacts with, including his (female) co-worker. He gets stuck in this small town where he relives the same exact day over and over and over again. However, over time HE changes. He learns to take an interest in and care for others (his friend the insurance salesman, saves the kid from the tree, feeds the homeless man), he works to improve himself (takes piano lessons, reads poetry, learns the heimlich...etc.), becomes a better man and only then ends up attracting his love interest.

I'd be curious what others who have seen it think.

[Eagle3]

Thank you LH, DnJ, Ginger, Bttrfly and BL42 for sharing your opinions.

It was my attempt to say that three years later you are doing the same thing expecting different results. Also known as the definition of insanity.

For what it's still worth, it was this sentence that hit me really hard.

One of my favorite quotes fits here "you can ignore reality but you can't ignore the consequences of ignoring reality".

Not this one. Taking into account that written language can sometimes hit a lot harder. And after what I've been through with EXH the last few months, I couldn't have this yesterday.

I have been through the pain you have and don't want to see you going through it over and over. I hope you find peace.

Eagle I apologize again I just get frustrated when I see good people like yourself abused by these blood sucking leaches and destroy perfectly good families. If I saw your STBXH I would like to kick him in the nuts. Definitely not a metaphor lol.

I’m more fond of the above two statements LH. Thank you for that 😊

As Bttrfly and DnJ stated, yes, I did everything I could to keep my family together, to help my EXH in any way I could. Remember, MLC is a different kind of animal to deal with, and my EXH couldn't be the more typical MLC’er out there. For many of you this is not important, for me this has been crucial.
But the main thing is that in the meantime I have not forgotten to continue living and to further develop my own life together with the children, and this without EXH.

Already two years ago I started to go out with friends again, contacted old friends and expanded these friendships again, started to do sports, went on trips with the children and with friends, etc.

In the meantime I'm divorced, I'm selling our home and I'm looking to buy something new. And yes, I'm looking forward to it, to finally have a place of my own where I can build new memories with my children while their still teenagers.

That is why it is now easier for me to switch quickly, because everything is almost arranged now.

Would I have handled it differently if I had known beforehand what would happen in those 3 years, I most probably wouldn’t. I have also learned a lot about myself. Learned to have patience, to be able to be forgiving and compassionate, even in the most difficult circumstances and last but not least, the lesson that was the hardest for me to learn, is not to avoid the conflict when being walked over and ignore a person when their behavior is total unreasonable. That was a very difficult step for me.

EXH occasionally sends messages in a very short and rude manner. I hold my ground and refuse to answer. He will eventually stop it I guess, if he doesn't, then so be it.

Murray's character is a pompous jerk to those people he interacts with, including his (female) co-worker. He gets stuck in this small town where he relives the same exact day over and over and over again. However, over time HE changes. He learns to take an interest in and care for others (his friend the insurance salesman, saves the kid from the tree, feeds the homeless man), he works to improve himself (takes piano lessons, reads poetry, learns the heimlich...etc.), becomes a better man and only then ends up attracting his love interest.

So, if I read it right, even Murray wasn’t stuck forever. He eventually learns to move forward?

[bttrfly]

yes, he changes and moves forward. it's a movie worth seeing.

[Eagle3]

Got a message from EXH the beginning of this week to tell me he would pick up all his belongings today and tomorrow morning.
I briefly answered "OK", his reply "Was not a question"...LOL

So today, when we were all out of the house, he came and picked up his stuff. I was not surprised to see that all the wine was gone (we have (should write "had" now) a wine cellar with about 50 bottles in it) and he took all of it, even the wine racks, as well as his favorite beer glasses. Must be the most important thing he had to take with him. He can have it, the addiction can continue.

That, his clothes, and work related stuff are also gone. I'm curious what he will take tomorrow. His bike, golf sticks, tennis bag and ski equipment are still here. I hope he will take those as well, so I don't have to take care of that anymore when I move out.

In the meantime the kids are doing so well. Since EXH is gone again and because they now they don't have to see him currently you clearly notice that the burden has fallen from their shoulders.

S17 is celebrating his "last 100 days" in high school (I think you all call it that) this week.
He is having the time of his life. He was already dressed like a maffia man, a scottish man (with the skirt), ABBA, and tonight is the big party. I took a picture of him every morning with his costume on.

Twins14 had their first meeting with a therapist and were both excited to go.
Afterwards they told me in detail how it went, they both want to go again so this is going in the positive direction.

Their grades are going in a better direction.

I also went again to a female therapist for the first time yesterday. Not the same person I saw straight away after BD, I've decided to go to someone else. I really had a very good feeling. Went to her once a few months ago, now I've decided to go once a week. Not to talk about EXH anymore, but to face my difficulties and to deal with those.

This Friday I have an appointment for a possible new house (still to be built) and on Saturday also 1 appointment (already excisting house). I can't buy yet because I will only now for sure that our house is sold by the end of this month but want to check out some things already to learn what is on the market and at what rates.

Tomorrow GAL night with a very good male friend to a fancy restaurant, on Sunday morning big walk planned with a close girlfriend.

I wish you all a very nice and hopefully sunny weekend!

[kml]

Just message him and say "Hey, you forgot to take your sports equipment - should I drop it off on your porch?"

[Ginger1]

I’m proud of you. You are taking control of what you can . Awesome

[DejaVu6]

Really great update Eagle. Hope you find the perfect house for you and your kids. (((HUGS)))

[Eagle3]

Thanks!

In the meantime things went quite well the last days.

I didn't hear anything from EXH anymore which helps a lot.

Only one thing I saw by accident...I have some Sonos devices in my home and wanted to put on some music from spotify but apparantely his spotify account is linked to this and I could see all his playlists etc. What I saw actually made my head spin again. OW2 made several playlists for him called, "sad songs", "melancholic lads", "you are my rocksta" with several songs in it, quickly closed them again and then one with his name and only one song in it, "Just the two of us"...
Isn't that extremely childish at that age? LOL

I also deleted his playlist which he shared with me since years. All the romantic songs he has put in it these past 2 weeks...seems the limerence is back in full again.

Anyway, had a great weekend.
Friday night extremely good time with my friend, on Saturday evening, a bit unexpected, I had a very good girlfriend over for dinner and on Sunday a huge walk with another girlfriend.

I also went seeing two houses but not yet what I'm looking for. I'm sure I will find something in the weeks to come. S14 joined me since he also wants to have some input. Can only support this.

Two weeks to go and the house will hopefully be sold by then. Fingers crossed!

I actually still need to send an e-mail to EXH in regards to the split of our TV account, Netflix, Spotify,... as I don't want to see all his history anymore but I'm not in a mood to get any reaction from him right now. I'm actually afraid for the answer I will get again, I simply can't stand it anymore. I guess he went too far the past weeks...
Therefore I will wait a few weeks, maybe other things will still come up that need closure and I can do it all at once then.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Eagle

Yes, fingers crossed that the house sale goes through. It’s nice to see S14 wanting to give input and be in the process of finding a home. The family home is an upheaval in his life too, and being involved helps with buy in and moving forward. Basic change management skills.

I actually still need to send an e-mail to EXH in regards to the split of our TV account, Netflix, Spotify,... as I don't want to see all his history anymore but I'm not in a mood to get any reaction from him right now. I'm actually afraid for the answer I will get again, I simply can't stand it anymore. I guess he went too far the past weeks...
Therefore I will wait a few weeks, maybe other things will still come up that need closure and I can do it all at once then.

Fear. The worry about a possible future response, which entangles and paralyzes.

If fearing his possible answer or retort - don’t ask him, tell him.

I found out the providers of those services do not spilt them. Accounts are awarded to only one of the parties in a divorce. Ask yourself, what do you want to do about the TV, Netflix, Spotify, and such accounts? Do you have lots of purchased songs and movies and such? Assuming you do not, let go those services. No need to fight for them.

A suggestion. Take yourself off those accounts and send an email to XH stating those are now his. No questions to ask. No answers needed. No more surprise playlists. No more strings. Fresh new accounts for you, with only your content on them. You can make your own closure on this, if you want. You do have control.

Have a great my friend; and hoping the perfect house comes along soon.

D

[Eagle3]

Hi DnJ,

They are actually all in name. (I used to do all the family finances), so I have the power to delete him, and to change my passwords so he can’t enter them anymore. I simply tell him that via e-mail that soon they will be closed for him?