Pregnant, Abandoned Twice, OW Affairs MLC? the Lot

[BL42]

AnnKay,

I hope I do not appear like a bad mother for wanting to have some time away from home and away from my son. It can be hard at times to be in the house both physically and mentally.

Don't worry how you appear to others; be true to yourself. It's OK to give yourself a break and get some time away for yourself. Remember a part of DB'ing is GAL, which I'm sure isn't easy 6 months pregnant, so enjoy your time with your girlfriends and come back refreshed for your son.

H accused me of all sorts of things when he left that are just untrue but made me feel as if it was my fault. He accused me of not being as 'active' as OW. I run 4 times a week and do pilates and yoga twice a week. He accused me of not letting me have his own time, yet I was OK with him playing sports away from home hours at a time. He plays cricket so one game will take up to 8 hours. We also go out at least once every week separately with our own circles. I kind of see now that I was probably too trusting and he is treating me like pushover.

This could very well be about him and not you. It's quite possible you could be the absolute perfect woman in the world and he would still act this way. A person's bad actions are often more about their own issues than yours. It's a balance. Do take time to honestly reflect on areas you can improve as a person, especially in relation to the marriage, but on the other hand don't spin on thoughts like "if I only ran one more day of the week" or "if I only let him play cricket two days a week instead of one"...those sorts of items are not reasons to have an affair and get a divorce and if those are the issues it was never about you in the first place.

After saying I am going to go to do the test when it suits me no matter what, H insisted that he drives me there and stays with me. I think this is another control aspect as when he thinks he is losing control with me not relying on him he feels he has no reason to give in.

Imo it's OK if you let him go and OK if you decide to do it without him, just make sure you're comfortable emotionally and then stick to your guns.

Another thing I have told H is to stop love bombing via text in a clearer "your actions speak louder than words. It is confusing for me when you say things via text yet you are staying with someone else. I do not think this should continue." He did not say much after this.

Good you stood up for yourself verbally, but also know you can't control what he does so you saying that doesn't stop him from love bomb texting again. The question how will you enforce this boundary if he does it again? What will your actions be?

Today, after he picked up our son he sat down with me saying how he wants to comfort me. He hugged me tightly, kissed my hands and stroke my pregnant belly. I was not sure how to deal with it that I just distracted him or tried to get away from him and dealt with my son. I know this might be the hormones, but I did feel vulnerable and it makes me want more attention and affection. I also cannot say I don't like it, but I am not entirely sure how to think of this. I told him as he was leaving home that it confuses and hurts me that he does this and he just said sorry.
I am no longer as angry with him as before so is it really that bad that sometimes I get some comfort from him? I understand his decision, and it feels like I am doing that for my own comfort and not to make him come back.

To me this sounds like emotional manipulation on his part. I'm sure you have a lot of hormones and emotions and feel vulnerable being pregnant with his baby. I don't know what the "right" response is - maybe others do - but don't let him manipulate him. Remember, he's living with another woman. I think you should give a lot of thought to what your boundaries are and how you will enforce them so that when he insists on driving you to an appointment, or love bombs you with texts, or kisses your hands and strokes your belly you know in advance how you will respond with actions and are firm about it.