we're done again (#3)

[mako]

I’ve been gone a long time, figured I’d come back and do an update.

After basically dropping the second bomb the end of July, W finally moved out in October. She is about 45 minutes away, and we each have the kids every other week. The older two go to school near my house so on her weeks she brings them over in the morning and picks them up after. That’s really nice cause I get to see them every school day. The youngest goes to day care close to my house, but I don’t usually see her.

At first we were selling the house, then I was going to keep it and buy her out, and now I am going to sell it again. It is too big and the land is too much to take care of with one person, we’ve only been here less than 4 years so I’m not very attached, and I don’t particularly like the area. I actually like W’s area, there is a lot more to do there and we used to live there so I am familiar with it. I also dislike being so far from the kids, and it would be 45 minutes closer to my dad and the rest of my family. So I’m thinking of moving around there. I think it would be better for both me and the kids (me a place I like more, the kids not having to commute so far half of the school days).

I told W early on that D is her want so she needs to deal with the logistics. We have a separation agreement from last March so the financial stuff is agreed to and D wouldn’t be hard, we will just need to have a lawyer finalize certain things with my pension and retirement accounts. I am not in a rush because once it happens I will be paying her almost $2000/month (state formula based on incomes), so if she wants that she can deal with it. She is lazy and I can see it dragging on like this for some time. Whatever, we are D in my mind so it doesn’t matter when it officially happens. I think morally I would not date while still married but I am not ready to date yet so it doesn't matter.

We don’t interact much. We discuss logistics with the kids, most often by text, and that’s about it. Like I said she does drop off/pick up every day on her weeks, but half the time she doesn’t even get out of the car. We still don’t communicate all that well, the biggest problem of our marriage, but I think we do enough as necessary for the kids.

One of the more interesting things, to me, is that I am not at all attracted to her anymore. As of last May or June I was still very attracted to her, but now that is not there at all. I think that’s a very good sign for how my detachment has gone.

How am I doing? I am ok. Being a single parent of three is a lot of work, so on my weeks I am mostly swamped. On my off weeks I have been mostly fixing up various things prepping to sell the house. I am very much an introvert and I don’t need a lot socially, but I have been getting out there a little and doing enough GAL for me. I still get sad sometimes. But I find I’m not missing what I had as much as I’m missing what I wanted—I always realize that what I had wasn’t cutting it and I'm idealizing things. I am in IC and that’s going fine.

The kids are doing worse than me. The middle one seems fine and never talks about any of this. At least once a week the youngest asks me when Mommy and Daddy will live together again and then goes on about how she wishes that would happen. The oldest has gotten violent at school at times and got suspended once, and he has explicitly said he’s acting out cause he's mad that we are splitting up. He’s in IC too now so I hope he can work through that. I think a lot of times when I get sad I’m sad for the life that I wanted them to have that I know they now won’t. I can do my best for them but nothing will be the same as having their parents together as a loving family. I know I will be alright, they are still my biggest concern in all this.